(2023) Week Two in Review
Welcome to the Week in Review. I feel like I missed something important...
[TNF] Philadelphia Eagles @ Minnesota Vikings
Real Talk: I would’ve skipped watching this, had I remembered Memphis/Navy was on at the same time.
One can be forgiven if you kept thinking both teams came in 0-1. The Eagles took care of New England but looked blah doing it. The Vikings should’ve beaten the Bucs but shot themselves in the foot with turnovers and penalties. The Eagles still need this game to keep pace with the Cowboys (who look to have a virtual bye with the Rodgers-less Jets).
Somehow this is all Kirk Cousins’ fault.
And it was “Second Verse, Same as the First” for Los Vikings: Big games from Cousins (364 and 4 TDs), Justin Jefferson (11-159) and TJ Hockerson (7-65-2) squandered by bad defense (Eagles ran for 259 yards and 3 TDs as a team - WITHOUT last week’s leading rusher, Kenny Gainwell), turnovers (4 fumbles¹, all in the first half) and no running game (Troy Hambrick² Alexander Mattison went 8-28, long of 7). These are all fixable things and 0-2 isn’t a death sentence in an NFC North where Green Bay and Detroit aren’t invincible, and Chicago is Chicagoing. But one more game like this and guys might start checking out.
Eagles 34, Vikings 28.
Though one of them was Jefferson falling victim to the “Through the back of the end zone = Turnover” rule. That rule needs to die yesterday.
If you get it, you get it.
Las Vegas Raiders @ Buffalo Bills
The question was never whether or not Josh Allen would bounce back from Week 1’s trash outing¹. It was “will the running game FINALLY show up to help him?” On Week 2, the answer was “yes.” The Bills had 183 yards as a team. James Cook had his best game as a pro (17-123) and Damien Harris and Latavious Murray each added a TD. Allen, BTW, had 274 and 3 on 31/37 passing.
Perhaps they stole Vegas Strippers’ mojo: They had 55 yards on 15 carries, with Josh Jacobs going 9 for -2 (you read that right). That “total”, BTW, is the lowest yardage put up by a defending rushing champ since 1950.² The Raiders were just bafflingly bad this game, scoring the game’s first points (a Jimmy G to Davonte Adams 16-yarder) before getting outscored 38-3 the rest of the way. I’d feel sympathy for DA RAIDAHS, but they’re coached by a man i despise (Josh McDaniels) and owned by a man I dislike more by the day (son of Al).
So fuck ‘em.
Bills 38, Raiders 10
The question is always “When will Josh The Reckless strike again?”
Steven Van Buren of the Eagles put up a matching -2 (on 10 carries) vs. the eventual-champion Browns on Dec. 3 of that year. (Thank you, Pro Football Reference)
Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinatti Bengals
It’s WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too early to say that teams have “figured out” Joe Burrow. But it can’t be denied that neither he nor the Bengals offense in general have covered themselves in glory. 304 and 2 with a pick is what we expect through one game, not two. Though that calf injury he reaggravated (the one that kept him out of the preseason) clearly didn’t help.
Though I’d be more concerned that an opponent just lined up and ran the ball down their throats for the second straight week (178 and 1 for the Ravens).
I’d be REALLY concerned as a league that RB8 might be developing (GASP) chemistry with the most solid veteran receiver corps he’s ever had (combined with rookie deep threat Zay Flowers). If Jackson can get be a consistent threat with his arm, he might indeed fulfill the promise of the true dual-threat QB (as foretold by the Dog Fighter and the Marble Layer before him)
Ravens 27, Bengals 24
Kansas City Chiefs @ Jacksonville Jaguars
You’d think holding Mahomes and the Chiefs under 20 means "we win." Or at least that Mahomes had to pull another rabbit out of his hat to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
Under 20 points and three takeaways? How bad did you beat them?
Lost by 8? Um, how?
Lackluster offense and gutless play calling down the stretch? Yeah, that’ll do it. Rookie OT Anton Harrison spending the game getting mauled by newly-extended Chris Jones couldn’t help either.
Chiefs 17, Jaguars 9
Los Angeles Chargers @ Tennessee Titans
Two weeks in and Charger “fans” are already calling for Brandon Staley’s head.
Might as well. It’s plain to see by now what the true problem here is:
Dean Spanos is a smeghead and this team will never prosper as long as his greedy incompetent hands steer the ship
The team is cursed and has been since they fired a 15-win Marty Schottenheimer. Granted, I thought they could’ve (and should’ve) cut him loose after last year’s legendary playoff collapse. But that was then, this is now.
Austin Eckler (ankle) almost certainly would’ve helped here.
And Ryan Overthehill¹ staves off the reaper for one more week.
Titans 27, Chargers 24 (OT)
Wish I could remember who to give credit to for that one.
Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons
Just give Rookie of the Year to Bijan Robinson already.
Robinson had 172 scrimmage yards (19-124 rushing, 4-48 receiving) and bailed out Desmond “Don’t Call Me John¹²” Ritter and the rest of the Falcon offense time after time. This culminated in his converting a 4th-and-1 to set up Younghee “Rock & Roll Hoochie” Koo’s 25-yard game winner, completing a 12-point 4th-quarter comeback.
For the record: Ridder was 19/32 for 237 yards, 1TD and 1 INT.
Ridder’s counterpart, Jordan “*hides Aaron Rogers voodoo doll*” Love had 151 passing and three TDs, but faded late and CLEARLY missed Aaron Jones, Christian Watson and David Bakhtiari (all injured).
At a minimum, it’s looking like the Falcons won’t be the NFC South’s cellar dwellers.
Falcons 25, Packers 24
Do young folk today even know who John Ritter was?
I realized immediately It’s “Ridder”, but I liked the Ritter bit, so it stayed.
Seattle Seahawks @ Detroit Lions
The Geno Smith Redemption Tour continues into Year 2. Geno of the Broken Jaw threw for 328 and 2 TDs, the second of which was a 6-yarder to Tyler Lockett in OT. He continues to keep up last year’s Pro Bowl level play and I, for one, could not be happier for him. Keep dabbing on the haters, Geno!¹
And nothing wipes out that “new Lions smell” like a loss where they went ultraconservative down the stretch going for the tie instead of the win. Dan Campbell said a bit of humble pie will do them some good in the long run.
Know what’s even better than that? A win.
Seahawks 37, Lions 31 (OT)
“Dabbing on the haters” is still a thing, right?
Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans
Anthony Richardson is looking more and more like RGIII by the moment: A phenomenal athletic talent who REALLY needs to learn how not to take a hit.
The #4 overall pick rushed for two scores in the first quarter, before bouncing his head off the turf on the second TD and going into the Concussion Protocol for the rest of the game. El Mustachio Magnifico played the rest of the game, going 171 and 1 in three quarters.
The Texans scored 10 in garbage time to make the score respectable. The defense needs to step up and take the pressure of fellow rookie QB CJ Stroud (30/47 for 384 and 2). Asking a young QB to win shootouts is a recipe for disaster.
Colts 31, Texans 20
Chicago Bears @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Wasn’t this supposed to be the season Justin Fields finally put it together? A true #1 in DJ Moore was supposed to be the final puzzle piece? Instead, Fields is showing he has two modes: “Make Plays With Legs” and “Make Bad Decisions With Arm.”
Seriously, I haven’t seen a young player memed this hard since Trent “Field Vision of a Rock” Richardson.
They’ve got plenty of time to turn it around... But this is the Bears. The last time they turned around a young QB and got right was never.
And Baker Mayfield (317 and 1) continues to make the Browns look like they chose the wrong QB (again).
Bucs 27, Bears 17
New York Giants @ Arizona Cardinals
Not sure which team came out looking worse here: The Giants, for needing a team-record 21-pt rally to beat The Great Tank or the Cards, for folding against a team that was outscored 60-0 through their first six quarters and didn’t have Saquon Barkley (ankle) for the final stretch?
The quest for 0-17 clears the second stage.
FYI: As I was reminded by ESPN Radio this morning: There’s a strong chance that the top four picks in 2024 could belong to two teams: The Cards have Houston’s pick (in exchange or moving up to #3 last April) and the Bears have Carolina’s (in exchange for moving up to #1 last April)
Giants 31, Cardinals 28
San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams
The most interesting narrative coming into this game was whatever is going on with 50-year old rookie QB Stetson Bennett. The Rams placed him on the non-football illness list (signing Brett Rypien to take his spot behind Matt Stafford), but won’t say what’s wrong with him, other than it’s something “Bigger Than Football.” Which sounds like Bennett is taking a mental health break. While I’m not about to cast aspersions on someone doing what’s best for them¹, I have to ask what the hell kind of pressure is a rookie backup QB under? What’s going on that he feels he has to step away from the game (presumably) temporarily? This is a two-time national champion QB. He’s seen pressure.
I suppose we’ll find out eventually. Or not.
As for the game, what was a tight affair at the half (tied at 1) turned into a slog in the second half. The Niners defense - dominant in Week 1 - looked equal parts dominant (forcing two turnovers to thwart the Rams’ comeback) and problematic (Rams WR Puka Nacua caught a rookie-record 15 balls for 147). If the Rams had any sort of ground game, things could've gotten dicey for the Niners.
Christian McCaffery went for 116 and 1 on 20 carries and “Mr. Relevant” Brock Purdy a turnover-free 206 passing in the win.
49ers 30, Rams 23
Seems to have worked out for Calvin Ridley, for instance.
New York Jets @ Dallas Cowboys
Another week, another demolition of a New York team.
After shocking the world in Week 1 with an epic beatdown of the Giants, #DemBoyz showed it wasn’t a fluke, dishing up more of the same against the Aaron Rogers-less J-E-T-S (Sucks to be you). Other than an admittedly nice 68-yard catch and run by Garrett Wilson, the Jets offense was completely shut down by the Dallas D. Dak Prescott went for 255 ad 2, pretty much doing whatever he wanted back there.
ESPN, in a desperate attempt to pump up the Jets (Who still have several national games coming up) put out a stat showing that Ceedee Lamb only caught one pass while being covered by Sauce Gardner.
Lamb had 11 catches for 143 yards.
I’m sure they were going for “Sauce is Awesome.” What they landed on was “Everyone who isn’t Sauce sucks” or “Mike McDaniel outschemed Robert Salah to a ludicrous degree” or “So why wasn’t Sauce glued to Lamb the entire game?” So gg ESPN.
People are screaming for the Jets to replace Zach Wilson (12/27 for 170 , 1TD, 3INTs) if they want to stay relevant in the playoff chase. Question: Who out there on the FA market is better? Carson Wentz? Colt McCoy? Nick Foles? What backup is worth the cost of a trade? Jacoby Brissett? Tyrod Taylor? Cooper Rush? The Jets made their bed when they brought in Rogers and didn’t trade/cut Wilson. And frankly, they’re not in that much worse position for it because that O-Line is cheeks and Rogers would’ve gotten knocked out of more than one game if he hadn’t blown a wheel.
As the schedule falls, the Cowboys won’t face a real test until Week 5, when they travel to San Francisco for the Sunday Night game. I'm betting that’s gonna pop the ratings..
Cowboys 30, Jets 10
Washington To Be Announced @ Denver Broncos
Oooh, so close...
The Sean Payton Broncos look vastly improved from last year’s model. Still 0-2 though.Maybe putting all that TLC on Russ and the offense, while seemingly ignoring that the defense kinda sucks ATM, wasn’t the best move?
Meanwhile Sam Howell (299 and 2) is proving that the Deadnames made the right call in sticking with him over drafting/free agents/Carson Wentz. And Washington’s front four is gonna be a problem for the rest of the NFC East.
Commanders 35, Broncos 33
(SNF) Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots
As long as they’re healthy, the Dolphins offense is nigh-unstoppable. Even when you get a (relative) lid on Waddle and The Cheetah, here comes Raheem Mostert for 121 and 2. With Josh Allen and the Bills struggling to get on track, the Fish could build up a nice little division lead before Buffalo knows what hit them.
And until the Pats show any sort of big play ability (or offensive consistency, really), teams are going to just ignore their run game, pin their ears back and come gunning for Mac Jones. And I don’t think this Pats team has the personnel to do that.
This was cool though¹
Dolphins 24, Pats 17
Seriously, how did no one think of “running start off of motion” until now?
(MNF 1) New Orleans Saints @ Carolina Panthers
At what point do you pull Bryce Young for his own safety?
Teams are just blitzing Young at every turn and the Panthers don’t just don’t have the O-line to protect him at the moment.
Which was fortunate for the Whodats, because they were cheeks for most of this game. Derek Carr looked almost as much of a rookie as Young, throwing some DIRE passes into double and triple coverage and the ground game did not take up the slack (Tayson HIll was the leading rusher - 9-75 - but mostly on gadget plays). They also gave up seven sacks and an INT, which helped keep the Panthers in it.
The Panthers are looking like another 0-17 candidate, but the year is still young (pun not intended).
Saints 20, Panthers 17
(MNF 2) Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers
Matt Canada’s last stand continues as he and the Steelers look to any sort of offense going vs. the TAKE US SERIOUSLY, DAMMIT Browns.¹
They still haven’t (277 total offense and 2 turnovers). But were luckily bailed out by timely defense (TJ Watt scored the game-winning TD on a scoop-and-score) and a suspicious no-call on Cleveland’s last play (seeing the replay that was D. Holding at a minimum).
All of which is overshadowed by a second-straight season-and-possibly-career-ending injury on MNF. This time Browns RB Nick Chubb got his knee torn up on a low (dirty?) hit by Minkah Fitzpatrick. Jerome Ford picked up the slack admirably (16-106)²
Both teams are struggling to get their passing games on track. Neither team looks like they’re going to get right any time soon.
Steelers 26, Browns 22
No.
I can only imagine the Browns and Kareem Hunt’s people have been talking since Sunday Night.
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