#NFL - Week 12
Welcome to the Week in Review, where we are staunchly #TeamDressing (#StuffingCanFOAD)
Buffalo Bills @ Detroit Lions
The Narrative:
The Bills are dealing with a short week made shorter by their unscheduled road trip last week, coupled with the (frankly inexplicable) decision to return to Buffalo for practice then fly right back to Detroit (They couldn't have found a spot to work out for the short week?). All eyes will be on Josh Allen and his sore elbow. (Which I still say they should sit him for for at least a week).
The upstart (!) Lions will look to make the Bills their fourth victim in a row, which would make their first four-game win streak since 2016.
The Outcome:
With a healthy Allen (or one who's merely sore instead of day-to-day hurting), they carve up the league's worst pass rush.
Here? They barely survive with some literal last-second heroics. Allen threw another red zone INT (his fifth in three games) and did more damage with his legs (10-78-1) than his arms, up until the final two drives. Von Miller leaving the game with a knee injury didn't help.
Heroics that were boosted by Lions mistakes: Jamaal Williams coughed up the ball in Bills territory. Jared Goff gave up a bad safety on a sack. Paired with the much-maligned defense unable to get stops in crunch time and inopportune penalties, and the Lions showed they weren't quite ready for prime time.
FUN FACT: Jamaal Williams has 13 rushing TDs on the season, three off the team record (Barry Sanders had 16 in 1991). He has six more games to break or tie the record.
Bills 28, Lions 25
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys
The Narrative:
The Giants come in off getting embarrassed by the streaking Lions and look to be down maybe half a dozen starters (including their top DB, Adoree' Jackson)
The Cowboys come in off their best game of the year, and will feature several players who were missing from their first game (including Michael Gallop and Jaylon Kearse)
Not to mention, a certain free agent receiver could be watching this game with an eye on which of these teams to sign with.
The Outcome:
For the first half, the NY Giants gave a middle finger to the world and defied expectations, with the depleted Giants defense "forcing" two Dak Prescott INTs and holding the explosive Dallas offense down, taking a 13-7 lead into the half. Granted, that was with a heaping helping of Refball:
- Rodarius Williams didn't get both feet in on that first INT.
- CeeDee Lamb got grabbed on that second INT.
- The illegal contact penalty that saved the Giants second FG was horseshit. The ref specifically said "While in the pocket." Replay showed Jones was clearly outside the pocket.
Then the Cowboys dropped the strap in the second half, scored 21 unanswered and utterly shut down Danny Dimes and the Giants offense. Zeke Elliot had his best game of the season, barely missing the century mark (16-92-1). Dalton Schultz made himself heard for really the first time all season, scoring twice. Shaking off those two first half INTs¹, Dak was nearly flawless, going for 262 and 2 for the game.
And of course, Tight End Whack-A-Mole.
The Giants scored a TD in the last seconds to make the score more respectable, but that was just stat padding at that point.
The Giants are ahead of schedule as far as returning to the elite goes, but they're not quite ready for prime time. The Cowboys showed that as long as they can keep from kneecapping themselves with turnovers and silly penalties, they can beat anyone. With Tyron Smith set to return within the next couple of weeks, the Cowboys could be poised to make a deep run.
Cowboys 28, Giants 13.
- One was a clear miscommunication between him and Michael Gallop (And he thought he had a free play to boot) and the other literally went through CeeDee Lamb's hands.
New England Patriots @ Minnesota Vikings
The Narrative:
The Vikes look to recover some dignity after getting pantsed at home by Dallas. The Pats look to prove they (Mac Jones in particular) can swing with the heavyweights.
The Outcome:
- Good thing these games don't use style points.
- Mac Jones looking like prime Tom Brady out there does not do wonders for the Viking's "pretender" rep.
- Letting Jones throw that much when they should've been eating clock does less for Matt Patricia's rep as a play caller.
- If Justin Jefferson gets hurt, the Vikings turn into the Jets.
- Still don't trust Kirk Cousins and you can't make me.
Vikings 33, Patriots 26
Denver Broncos @ Carolina Panthers
The Narrative:
Denver comes in praying their offense FINALLY gets on track.
Carolina comes in praying ONE of their QBs gives them an excuse to use their first rounder on another need.
The Outcome:
It's one game, but one team got their wish.
It's not the one with the $200 mil QB.
It got so bad for the Horsies that one of the Broncos defenders was openly yelling at Russell Wilson to get it together. Appreciate the sentiment and the fire behind it. But it's a little late for that, yes?
As an aside: Congrats to former Panthers HC Matt Rhule, who seems to be set to take over at Nebraska. Some people are
Panthers 28, Broncos 10
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Cleveland Browns
The Narrative:
One week away before all hell breaks loose in Cleveland.
Oh and I guess Tampa is looking like they don't actually suck.
The Outcome:
Of course, the moment I try to give TB12 and crew their props...
Jacoby Brissett saved his best for (probably) last, hitting two big completions in OT to Amari Cooper (who was atoning for a bad drop on 4th quarter 4th down), setting up Nick Chubb's game winner from 3 out.
Brady and the Bucs had their chances to close it out. The defense couldn't get stops and Brady was spray and pray all game long.
The Bucs are 5-6 and still in first place in the NFC South, pending the Falcons' outcome (see below). Mark my words, the winner of this division - which will host a playoff game, don't forget - will have nine or ten losses. Mark my words.
Browns 23, Buccaneers 17 (OT)
Baltimore Ravens @ Jacksonville Jaguars
The Narrative:
The Ravens come in looking both to extend their four-game win streak, but to get the offense back on track after last week's slog vs. Carolina.
The Jags have entered that space in all bad teams' season where the younger players get more and more PT as the team shifts as much into offseason mode as they can in the regular season.
The Outcome:
Oh, look. The Ravens messed around and gagged another game against an inferior opponent.
Seriously, how do you knock Travis Ettienne out of the game in the first quarter (foot) and still lose?
Houston Texans @ Miami Dolphins
The Narrative:
Tankathon 2022 has a new pilot, as Kyle Allen gets to helm the Houstontanic for the foreseeable future.
The Outcome:
Dolphins 30, Texans 15
Chicago Bears @ New York Jets
The Narrative:
Wouldn't this be a hell of a time for the Bears' defense to get it together, facing the newly-installed Mike White and the J-E-T-S (PLEASE STOP SUCKING).
The Outcome:
Oh, look, the kid went nuts agasint the hands-down worst defense in the league (22/28 for 315, 3 TDs). But the point is, a team like the Jets were SUPPOSED to do that to a team like the Bears. Especially a Bears team starting Trevor "Yep, Still Here" Simien for an injured Justin Fields (concussion protocol). Zach Wilson wasn't even doing that the other chumps on the schedule.
Now the question is where the J-E-T-S (Do They Suck?) go from here. Do they stick with White going forward or do they treat this like a defacto one-game suspension for Wilson and bring him back? If the priority is development, the latter. If the playoffs are the goal, the former.
Jets 31, Bears 10
Cincinatti Bengals @ Tennessee Titans
The Narrative:
Division leaders clash and jockey for seeding.
The Bengals have been doing surprisingly well, given Whodat all-timer Samaje Perine filling in for Joe Mixon and Ja'Maar Chase still out.
The Titans say they aren't looking for revenge for last year's upset loss to the upstart Bengals in the playoffs, but they totally are. The fact that they're a 3-point home dog should light a little extra fire under them.
The Outcome:
No Mixon, no Chase, no problem. Perine (17-58-1) and Tee Higgins (7-114-1) stood in for both nicely. Add a defense that sold out to stop Derrick Henry (17-38, long of 9) and that was a winning combination for the Bengals.
For the Titans, when Henry is your leading receiver on the day (3-79), you're not winning many of those games like that.
Bengals 20, Titans 16
Atlanta Falcons @ Washington Deadnames
The Narrative:
The Deadnames come in a half-game behind the Seahawks for the last wild card slot, looking to ride that Heineke/McLaurin/Gibson combo to another win.
The Falcons are still mathematically in it, which is the only excuse they have for continuing to play Marcus Mariotta (446 yards and 3 TDs in his last three games).
The Outcome:
Can we PLEASE start Desmond Ridder now? Please? Yeah, he might turn out to be a trash fire. But the sooner you know that, the better.
Deadnames 19, Falcons 13
Los Angeles Chargers @ Arizona Cardinals
The Narrative:
Nuk Hopkins is the only reason to watch the Cardinals recently. That's with a healthy Kyler Murray.
Coincidentally, Keenan Allen has finally been cleared to play for the Bolts.
Lets see who can fail the least!
The Outcome:
Fire. Kliff. Kingsbury. Now.
.
Las Vegas Raiders @ Seattle Seahawks
The Narrative:
If Seattle loses this game, they should forfeit the rest of the season and go home.
The Outcome:
Dear Seahawks;
Perhaps you can look into tackling that Josh Jacobs guy sometime soon?
But seriously, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
Josh Jacobs 40, Seahawks 24 (OT)
Los Angeles Rams @ Kansas City Chiefs
The Narrative:
No Cooper Kupp, no Allen Robinson, no Matt Stafford¹, run game still a shambles², defense not that much better.
This score is gonna be whatever KC decides it's gonna be, isn't it?
The Outcome:
It speaks to how bad the Rams were that the Chiefs played down to their competition and still won by 16. Bryce Perkins, making his first start, contributed a whopping 100 yards, 1 TD, and 2 INTs on 13 of 23 passing. The running game is still a shit show (Perkins [9-44] was the leading rusher). Van Jefferson (3-29 plus a TD on 7 targets) was the leading receiver.
We are seeing the Rams pay the price fr their all-in Super Bowl push. And they'd probably say it was worth it.
Chiefs 26, Rams 10
- Whom I highly suspect has played his last game.
- Darrell Henderson signed with Jacksonville when I wasn't looking.
New Orleans Saints @ San Francisco 49ers
The Narrative:
Andy Dalton's big game last week keeps the Crablegged Reaper away for at least one more week. tt probably shouldn't have.
The Outcome:
Fire Dennis Allen. Bench Andy Dalton. Not necessarily in that order.
Niners 13, Saints 0
[SNF] Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles
The Narrative:
The Eagles have more wiggle room, but the loser of this game gets thrown into the "fraud bucket."
The Outcome:
The game was the shootout many hoped for. It was also the Packers loss many more of us hoped for. As a cherry on top, Discount Double Check left the game with a rib injury. Jordan Love stepped in and logged a respectable 6/9¹ for 113 and a TD.
Not that I wish permanent injury on anyone², but if his mounting list of injuries causes Rodgers to rethink his continued NFL career, that wouldn't be so bad, I think.
The Eagles, once again, looked like the team to beat in the NFC. They rushed for a league-high 363 yards. Jalen Hurts continued his MVP candidacy, with 153 passing with 2 TDs and 157 rushing.
The Eagles are basically what the Bears want to be when they grow up.³
Eagles 40, Packers 33
- Nice?
- That is a blatant lie.
- Or possible what they could've been with Mack, Quinn and Smith still n the team.
[MNF] Pittsburgh Steelers @ Indianapolis Colts
The Narrative:
Too bad MNF doesn't have Sunday Night's flex power. At least Houston/Miami would have some novelty value. The Jeff Saturday story only goes so far.
The Steelers need to win six of their final seven to avoid handing Coach Omar Epps his first losing season as Steelers HC. Good luck with that.
The Outcome:
For fans of the two teams, this was probably a nail-biting ride.
For the rest of us: It's telling that the very first play shown on NFL.com's game highlights was Pittsburgh's first field goal.
This one was the Colts to lose and they lost it. Turnovers and near-turnovers (A Johnathan Taylor fumble ruined a prime red zone chance) and rookie coaching mistakes (The playcalling on the Colts' final drive was as predictable - and as poorly executed - as the Madden CPU on Rookie level).
On the plus side, the light seems to be coming on for Kenny Pickett. His stats (20/28 for 174, with a 2-pt conversion to George Pickens) aren't going to leap off the page. But he seemed more decisive, less overwhelmed. That he seems to be developing a connection with Pickens helps as well.
One down, five to go.
Steelers 24, Colts 17
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