#NFL2022 - Week 2

 

Welcome to the Week in Review. Rest easy, Sauce, my friend. 

 

[TNF] Los Angeles Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs

The Narrative: A battle of early AFC West/AFC faves. The Chiefs look to follow up on their drubbing of the Redbirds. The Chargers look to build on last week’s big(?) win vs. Vegas, along with their ongoing crusade to prove that they left their old Chargering ways in San Diego. And there’s also the ongoing media crusade to anoint Justin Herbert among the league’s elite QBs, despite his having won (or even competed in) zero big games.

The Outcome: This looked like an oldschool NFC East game, with the Chargers taking a 10-7 lead into half time. The Chargers looked to take the lead, tied at 17. Then this happened. Take it away, JaguarGator9

Newly-minted coaches have a tendency to overthink and outsmart themselves. The analytic-based coaches doubly so. As JG9 pointed out, Brandon “Who looked at my stint as Jags OGs and thought ‘OFFENSIVE GENIUS?’” Staley was probably looking to keep the Chiefs off balance, both by going no-huddle (to keep the Chiefs’ goal line D off the field) and going for the least-likely target.

But maybe having the clearly gassed guy run a route requiring a quick hard reaction isn’t the best move. And MAYBE letting your offense reset (and catch their breath) on first-and-goal is worth more than keeping the defense in their base.

Either way, slightly-off target pass, Everett didn’t have the juice to compensate, Pick 6, game turns completely, Chargers charger yet again. And, insult to injury, Herbert has injured ribs and played most of the fourth quarter with them. He should be fine for Week 3, but you never know with such things.

And, just so we’re clear: Fuck Dean Spanos. ($1 to Urinating Tree)

Final: Chargers 24, Chiefs 27

 

NY Jets @ Cleveland Browns

The Narrative: For the J-E-T-S Same-Ol-Same, it’s proving their on the right track, win or lose. And that they didn’t screw up their QB search. Again. (Note: Scratch that take: Joe Flacco gets the start instead of the still-injured Zach Wilson) For the Browns? Treading water until their horny messiah can return and lead them to their Happy Ending the promised land.

The Outcome: Cleveland? Bruh? You lost a 30-17 lead... In under two minutes. To the Joe Flacco-led Jets?

Jets 31, Browns 30

 

Washington Boringnames @ Detroit Lions

The Narrative: “WE’RE RELEVANT, DAMMIT!!!”

The Outcome: The Lions didn’t have a 35-pt game in 2021 before Week 18 and a Packers team clearly in “Fuck It” mode. They’ve started out 2022 with two of them. The Deadnames took a 22-0 deficit into halftime and didn't have to juice to make it up. In just one week, they’re right back to looking like the nFC East’s doormats.

Amon-Ra “Wasn’t he Conan’s arch enemy in his Marvel line” St. Brown led the Lions in rushing (2-68) and receiving (9-116, 2)

Lions 36, Commanders 27

 

Tampa Bay Bucs @ New Orleans Saints

The Narrative: Brady and the boys look to get their offense on track vs. the Whodats, building on their defense’s big day vs. Dallas. They also look to break their regular season losing streak to the saints (eight straight) The Saints look to step up - especially on defense - after barely escaping the Dirty Birds.

The Outcome: The Saints let Rapey McCrablegs go out here with four fractures in his back. Not sure if that more says “We have faith in you” or “We don’t care, you’re disposable?” And he played like a guy who’s spine was one big pain stick (25/40 for 236, 1 TD, 3 INTs) And I’m not sure they have a WR who knows what a “Go Route” is, let alone can run one.

The most interesting thing about his game was Mike Evans treating Marcus Lattimore like he was Meghan Markle and Lattimore was Camilla Bowles... Sorry; “Queen Consort Camilla”.

Bucs 20, Saints 10.

 

Carolina Panthers @ NY Giants

The Narrative: For both teams, it’s proving to the world that they didn’t screw up with their QB choices and crossing their fingers their star RBs can stay healthy.

The Outcome: Two games, two times Baker Mayfield has gone out and looked, as Bomani Jones would say “Errrr.” He’s one more of these performances () from it being Matt Corrall Sam Darnold PJ Walker time.

Daniel Jones was no great shakes (22-34, 176 yds, 1 tD) , but a win’s a win.

Giants 19, Panthers 16

 

New England Patriots @ Pittsburgh Steelers

The Narrative: The Pats look to right the ship after last week’s humiliating loss to Miami. QB Mac Jones in particular looking to rebound and shut down talk of “regression.” The Steelers hope the offense can get on track and they don’t need the deus ex machina(s) they needed to beat the Bengals. I don’t think the Football Gods will bless them in back-to-back weeks.

The Outcome: The crowd was chanting for Kenny Pickett. They’re one more MItch performance like this (21/33 for 168, 1 and 1) away from getting their wish. Not sure it would help with this receiver corps, though. And no T.J. Watt definitely did not help.

Pats 17, Steelers 14

 

Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars

The Narrative: For the Colts: Breaking their seven-game losing streak vs. JAX and getting in the win column. For the Jaguars: Not sucking.

The Outcome: Make it eight straight. And this might have been the most embarrassing yet. This was a total shutdown on both sides for the Colts. The stats don’t pop, but this was Trevor Lawrence’s best, most-complete game as a pro. It helps that his coaching staff actually helped him out with designed quick stuff and a strong running attack. The Jags shut down defending rushing champ Johnathan Taylor for the first half (4-12). He had better luck in the second half (5-42) but that was mostly draw plays against dime packages.

Not to mention the Colts receiver corps were doo doo without Michael Pittman (quad).

Jags 24, Colts 0

 

Miami Dolphins @ Baltimore Ravens

The Narrative: The Tangyvanilla Justification Tour moves to Baltimore. If they’re looking at more than not getting blown out, someone should check their water supply for mind-altering substances.

The Outcome: I benched Tua in fantasy this week specifically because he was playing the Baltimore D. That was a mistake. Tagovailoa threw four TDs in the fourth quarter, out-dueling Lamar Jackson and nailing down a comeback win and his best game as a pro (36/50 for 469, 6TDs). Jalen Waddle and The Cheetah combined for 22 catches for 361 and 2 scores each.

If the Fish can get half of that from those three on a weekly basis, they’re gonna be TROUBLE.

RB#8 put on a performance that’s a game winner nine times out of ten: 318 and 3 passing, 119 and a score rushing, including a career-high 79-yd scoring run.

Dolphins 42, Ravens 38

Atlanta Falcons @ L.A. Rams

The Narrative: The Rams look to recover from their season opening drubbing, crossing their fingers Matt Stafford didn’t use up all his magic in their Super Bowl run. The Falcons (should) look to unleash Marcus Mariota against a Rams defense that looked like Aaron Donald & the Pips last week.

The Outcome: The Rams nearly cut their own throat on Sunday giving up four turnovers (including a blocked punt return for a TD) and a safety. If not for a game-saving goal line pick by Jalen Ramsey, this could’ve ended very badly for the defending champs.

The offensive bright spot for the Falcons was first round pick Drake London, who pulled down half of Marcus Mariota’s completions (8-86, 1 TD)

Rams 31, Falcons 27

 

Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco Niners

The Narrative: GENO! GENO! GENO! GENO! And will this be the game where Trey Lance finally starts to show his First Round potential or the one where he finally makes the Niners surrender and put Jimmy G back in.

The Outcome: This is is the game where Trey Lance was lost for the year (ankle broken in two places). Hate to say it, but it might be addition by subtraction, with the veteran Garapolo coming in and steadying the ship. From there they put it in the defense’s hands and cruised to a big win.

Hey, Niners: When you KO your opponent’s starting QB, YOU are supposed to be the team that runs off and hides.

49ers 27, Seahawks 7

 

Cincinnati Bengals @ Dallas Cowboys

The Narrative: It’s been said that Dallas chose Cooper Rush as Dak’s backup, rather than Will Grier (who outplayed Rush this preseason and is closer in skillset to Dak than Rush) because of Rush’s performance vs. Minnesota last season. Seems like a hell of a dice roll to me, especially given Kellen Moore’s increasingly Garrett-esque playcalling (the first quarter of last week notwithstanding). We’ll see if that gamble pays off.

The Outcome: To paraphrase Dallas radio play by play host Brad Sham: “We can come down off the ledge now.”

The ‘Boys (mostly the offense) did their best to gag the game away, giving up four scoring drives while answering with one, shooting themselves in the foot with horribly timed penalties (including TWICE giving Cincy first downs on punts). I should, as a Dallas fan be looking at this from a “half-full” angle. The defense has given up two TDs in two weeks, to Tom Brady and Joe Burrow. Micah Parsons is putting in a bid to be the first defensive MVP since LT. And Cooper Rush seems to up to the challenge of getting us through until Dak gets back. Hell, he’s done something Dak has yet to*: Establish a rapport with one of his WRs in Noah Brown (5-91,1 TD).

D-Line still gets pushed around more than I’d like (Don’t get a 21-play drive put on you if you’re getting push up front), but that and the penalties are all bad i can say about the defense.

And frankly the Bengals are gonna have to do something about the offensive line or Joe Burrow sint’ gonna make it through the season in one piece.

1. Not since Cole Beasley left, anway.²
2. Dak seemed to prefer going ot his slot guys. Seems to me Tony Pollard could fill that role nicely.

Cowboys 20, Bengals 17

 

Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos

The Narrative: The Broncos (especially Nathaniel Hackett) will try to rebound from Kickgate. (#LetRussCook) The Texans are just trying to keep the not-losing times going.

The Outcome: A win’s a win, but this ain’t the Russell Wilson (14/31 for 219, 1 and 1) the Broncos paid through the nose to get. This is a Texans team ripe for blowing out and you... didn’t. Penalties (13-100) and offensive ineptitude combined to keep Houston in the game.¹ They’ve scored 33 points against two not-good teams in Houston and Seattle. That’s gonna have to change, fast and hard, if they want to even think about the playoffs.

And it occurs to me that Houston would be perfectly happy to hang 0-17 on Lovie Smith.²

1. I don’t know if Mr. Ciare is trying not to show up his rookie coach, but he’d do more good than harm by imitating Brady or Payton Manning and just call the play when it looks like the sideline is struggling.
2. Def. 1-16.

Broncos 16, Texans 9

 

Arizona Cardinals @ Las Vegas Raiders

The Narrative: “Y’all suck or nah?”

The Outcome: *SIGH* looks like another week of the media sucking off Kyler Murray.

Cardinals 29, Raiders 23 (OT)

 

[SNF] Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers

The Narrative: What can Justin Fields do outside of a monsoon. And can the Bears leave Discount Double Check with that look on his face for a second week in a row/

The Outcome: The answers were “suck¹” and “no”

1. 7-11, 70 yards, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD

Packers 27, Bears 10

 

[MNF] Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills

The Narrative: Can the Bills make their week 1 dominance carry over. Can the Titans get Derrick Henry on track?

The Outcome: The answers “It was even worse this time” and “no¹.”

Things were so bad by the end, the fourth quarter was Case Keenum vs. Malik Willis (who did not fare well in his first regular season action²)

1. 13 for 25, 1 TD
2. 1 of 4 for 6

Bills 41, Titans 7

[MNF #2] Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles

The Narrative: Philly wants to show the world they’re for real in prime time. The Vikes and Kirk Cousins would like to break their string of wilting when the lights are brightest.

The Outcome: A-wilting we go! Cousins is now 2-10 in prime time games and looked bad getting there (27/46 for 221, 1 and 3). Dalvin Cook looked even worse (36 total yards) . Jalen “The Next Next Big Thing” Hurts accounted for 390 total yards and 3 TDs

I really don’t want to live in a world where I have to take the Eagles seriously. 2017 was bad enough!

Eagles 27, Vikings 7