#NFl 2022 - Week 1
(With apologies to Bo Burnam)
Welcome to the NFL
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Welcome to the NFL
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There's no need to panic
It's just Week One
Just tune into your favorite team, the season has begun
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[TNF] Bills 31, Rams 10
The 2022 season starts off with half a tight game, with the Bills and Rams trading rusty punches for a 10-10 tie.
Then the second half started, and simultaneously The Bills said “sod this” and went “Touchdown, Touchdown, Touchdown, Fumble, End of Game”. Meanwhile, Matt Stafford suddenly couldn’t hit anyone not named “Cooper Kupp” and went “Punt, Punt, INT, INT, Turnover on Downs.” They also basically abandoned the run (much as they did in The Big Game, with much less success): 5 rushes in the second half, 3 before the deficit went double-digits.
While I wouldn’t worry that much about Stafford’s performance (he had a similarly slow start last season), the Rams’ continued inability to establish the run should be a concern. Cooper Kupp can’t bail you out every time...
And it’s Week 1, Bills Nation. Calm down. At least save the flaming tables for Week 6.
Saints 27, Falcons 26
Week 1 of the post-Sean Payton era began with a comeback win over the hated HATED Atlanta Falcons, who are in Week 1 of the post-Matt Ryan era.
Leaning on new QB Marcus Mariota and RB/WR Cordarrelle Patterson, the Falcons took a 16 pt lead into the fourth quarter. Then new Saints HC Dennis Allen realized “I basically have Good Value RGIII on my squad and better WRs than they have DBs. Uptempo we go!” Playing two-minute ball for most of the fourth, the Saints erased the deficit, scoring 17 on their last three possessions and blocking Younghue Kee’s last second 63-yd attempt for good measure.
I wonder what both teams are going to take from this. The Saints play-by-play sheet showed a ridiculous number of short attempts by Rapey McCrablegs. And they seem to bring in Taysom HIll every time they wanted to use even the threat of RPO. That shit needs to be left behind with this game. That defense would scare me, were I Falcon Nation. You gotta figure Brady and Mayfield will be watching this tape and drooling.
Browns 26, Panthers 24
And speaking of Young Baker, the peeps in Charlotte got the whole Mayfield experience. The first half was sloppy, error-prone “What the hell was even that” Baker. The fourth quarter was “Holy Shit How Did He Do That” Baker. He almost - ALMOST - got his revenge win. Instead, his replacement’s replacement, Jake Brisket, got the win. Though Cleveland leaned mostly on their two-headed RB monster, Kareem Hunt (11-46-1) and Nick Chubb (22-141).
Brisette was 18/34 for 177, 1 TD, no turnovers. Which is what you should expect out of a decent backup.
But the story was Mayfield (16/27,235, 1., 1) and the Comeback That Wasn’t. Though to me the real story was the care and timidity with which the Panthers treated returning best player Run CMC. Ten carries and four pass targets ain’t gonna cut it, chief.
The win gave the Browns their first Week 1 win since 2004 and their second since the current incarnation started in 1999.
Ridiculously Narrow Superlative of the Week: Cade York’s 58-yard game winner set the record for longest kick by a rookie in their team’s first game. It beat the mark of 55 shared by Minnesota’ Blair Walsh (2012 vs. JAX) and the Jets’ John Hall (1997 vs. SEA)
Niners 10, Bears 19
In the end, the real winner was Mother Nature.
It sure wasn’t either young QB. Trey Lance and Justin Fields combined for 285 yards and 2 INTs in a monsoon. Take away Fields’ broken-play 51-yard TD to Dante Pettis, his stats are 7 of 16 for 70 yards (1 TD, 1 INT).Rain only accounts for so much, my guy.
Says a lot about how bad both teams looked that both fanbases are talking about seeing what they can really do this week.
Steelers 23, Bengals 20 (OT)
The Triumph of the Mitch!
...Would be the headline if Steeler Nation weren’t terrified at the prospect of losing TJ Watt, who went out in the fourth quarter with the game still fully in the balance. Up by 6 with under thirty seconds left, Watt bullrushed new Bengals LT La’el Collins and dove for Joe Burrow, causing Burrow to throw early for an incomplete. Watt landed awkwardly on his shoulder and was led immediately to the locker room for x-rays. To add insult to literal injury, Watt slapped Collins’ helmet off on the way past, resulting in an Illegal Use of Hands penalty that gave Cincy a first down and helped them score the game-tying TD.
The Football Gods then honored Watt’s sacrifice by having the subsequent PAT blocked, sending the game to overtime.
One missed FG swap later, Chris Boswell from 53, thank you drive safe!
Joe Burrow threw for 338 and 2, but threw four INTs to keep the Steelers in the game.
Just standard issue Week 1 weirdness.
...Is how I would’ve ended things, had I not stumbled onto JaguarGator9’s newest Dumb Decisions vid. For those unfamiliar with JG9 (and you should be, he produces awesome vids), hid “Dumb Decisions” focuses on decisions that aren’t just dumb from a historical context, but made you go “WHY DID YOU DID THAT” from the start (and context just makes things worse).I don’t read the fan recaps of either teams game, and for reasons I do not understand, neither the game recaps from ESPN or NFL.com nor NFL.com’s “What We Learned” breakdowns mentioned this inexplicable, indefensible bit of clock management Shit-the-bed-ery.
Take it away, JG9.
Wow... Just. WOW.
And lets be further fair: Win or lose, another few games like this from Trubisky and the cry for Kenny Pickett to take over will be deafening.
Eagles 38, Lions 35
The question coming out of this game was “Was it good offense or bad defense?”
Given the two teams in question, “Yes” can’t be dismissed.
But then there’s new Iggle WR AJ Brown, who did his best Cooper Kupp imitation (10-155)
I think it’s the talking heads smoking the hopium on Jalen Hurts (who, I will remind you, got chased from Alabama by Tua Tangyvanilla) and hyping the Eagles to hell and back, but I absolutely do not want to talk about this game.
So I won’t. Moving on.
Colts 20, Texans 20 (OT)
This has to feel like a loss to the Colts. Though really, both teams traded chances to lock down the game and both ended up with wet inner legs. Matty Ice had 352, 1 and 1 in his Indy debut, the lion’s share of that going to Michael Pittman (9-121 and 1)The Texans stayed in it, despite the above and 31-161 and 1 from Johnathan Taylor. Still not sure how. Davis Mills was perfectly serviceable for Houston (23/37 for 240 and 2TDs) but nothing else on the statsheet stands out. No turnovers, no big momentum-swinging offensive plays
Until one realizes Indy did most of their damage in the fourth quarter and Lovie Smith’s boys were content to play the slow and steady game and take an ugly win (and in OT, preserve a tie rather than risk a loss).
Something tells me it’s gonna be a long year in Houston.
Patriots 7, Dolphins 20
Yeah, it’s Week 1.I’m still gonna laugh my ass off at this one. #FuckBelicheck #FuckBoston
Ravens 24, Jets 9
This just in: The Jets still suck.
Jaguars 22, Boringnames 28
Washington spent most of the offseason telling us how much Antonio Gibson sucked and how Brian Robinson was basically going to replace him and oh yeah Carson Wentz is here.
Game 1? 14-58 rushing, 7-72 receiving. Both team bests.
Lying bastards.
The Jags feel like the team we thought they’d be last year. Put a big ass asterisk on that season, though. Trevor Lawrence was okay (24/42 for 275/1/1). Travis Ettiene’s regular season debut was... Okay (4-47 rushing, 2-18 receiving, major drop on a sure TD pass)
Meh. Moving on.
Giants 21, Titans 20
Welcome back, Saquon Barkley!
Barkley’s 2022 debut came with his best stats in years (18-164, 1 TD¹). Daniel Jones added a 65-yd bomb to Sterling “I was hurt last year, too, remember?” Shepard. The latter, plus Barkley’s long run of 68 both topped last year’s long for the Giants²
And yet they still lose if Randy Bullock doesn’t push a 47-yarder wide left as time ran out.
With the Titans’ loss, the entire AFC South went winless. Bear in mind, half the division (Colts/Texans) played each other.
And the Malik Willis watch starts in earnest.
- That would’ve been a month’s stats last year.
- 46 rushing by Barkley, 60 receiving by Kyle Rudolph
Chiefs 44, Cardinals 21
Were I playing armchair psychiatrist, I’d say the Chiefs took all that offseason talk of the Bills as the AFC faves and the Chargers as the AFC West faves personally.
Were I me, I’d say it’s just what the Cards look like without Nuk Hopkins.
Five more weeks, Cards Nation.
Raiders 19, Chargers 24
Oh, right. Khalil Mack plays for the Chargers now. And he’s STILL better than anyone LV has put in his spot since trading him!
Never thought I’d say this (especially this early in a season), but fuck the Raiders and fuck Mark Davis. The Raiders will be mediocre at best until Davis either sells the team, dies or stops trying to be his dad.
I’m also kinda tired of the NFLverse dropping Justin Herbert into Philip Rivers’ fertile “Ain’t Won Shit But We’re Treating You Like Brady West” slot, but that’s a rant for another day.
Packers 7, Vikings 23
I couldn’t convert a suitable gif of someone pointing and laughing at Itsokay Imimmunized in the allotted time. So just imagine Leela is Aaron Rogers and Bender is every non-Packer fan.
Bucs 19, Cowboys 3
If you told me, this time last week, that the Dallas D’ would hold Tom Brady and the Bucs’ offense to four FGs and a TD late in the third, you’d think this was a closely-contested rock fight of a game. One that would leave Dallas fans walking away thinking “We pulled it out” or “We’ll get ‘em next time!”
You’d be wrong. Oh, so wrong.
Everything that the more pessimistic members of #DemBoyz Nation thought could be a problem was a problem. The O-Line got bullied¹, a status not helped by Connor McGovern leaving the game early Kellen Moore responded to this by trying to scheme around the lack of beef up front.
And by scheme, I mean “a bunch of trick plays that didn’t work.” And when THAT didn’t work, he went into Garrett-Bot mode: Abandon the run and put the burden on Tony Romo Dak Prescott to save the day. And THAT didn’t work because.
- Dak was just off on Sunday.
- Tony Pollard is atrocious at pass protection. A status made worse by the aforementioned bullying.
- Moore has the Garrett-esque habit of treating position players as interchangeable Lego pieces, each capable of the exact same role. Hence calling the same plays for Pollard he would for Zeke Elliott and expecting the same results.
And the interior of the line we weren’t sure could handle a serious rush attack? Bulldozed by Leonard “Where the hell did this ‘Lenny’ come from” Fournette (21-147)We wondered if CeeDee Lamb could handle being WR1, without Amari Cooper or Michael Gallop on the other side taking pressure off. Week 1 says “no.” (2-29 on 11 targets). In fact, none of the Dallas receiver corps (Save Noah Brown, and then only sporadically) could create separation from the TB DBs. Which only spurred Dak on to try and force the issue, which only made his bad day worse.
Good news: The ‘Boys (probably) won’t be facing a Bucs-level defense again this season.
Bad news: two of their next four are home to Cincy and at the Rams.
Worse news; They’ll be facing them and at least the next four without Dak, who smashed his thumb on a Bucs’ defender’s helmet and needed surgery, putting him on the shelf for 6-8 weeks.
Cherry on Top: McGovern and S Jayron Kearse are also out for at least the Bengals game.
*shrugs* news: FA tackle Jason Peters should be up to speed and ready to go, so Dallas can slide First rounder Tyler Smith into McGovern’s LG slot.
Buckle up, Cowboy Nation; It’s gonna be a bumpy month.²
- Silver lining: Smith held his own and wasn’t embarrassed by the onslaught.
- And please STFU about bringing in Cam Newton. Just... NO.
Broncos 16, Seahawks 17
...Take it away, First Take crew.
Or to put it in tweetable length
I ain’t paying $256 Million to let my kicker kick a 64 yard field goal on 4th and 5.
— Ryan Clark (@Realrclark25) September 13, 2022
Side Note; This may, in fact, be a golden age for black backup QBs.
Tyrod Taylor, Jacoby Brissette, the unkillable Josh Johnson, Teddy Bridgewater, and now, Geno Smith. We’ve got our own Ryan Fitzpatrick and Bryan Hoyer!
Now let's see which one of them extends to Steve Deberg level (or even Earl Morrall)!
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