#NFL 2021 - Week 17

Welcome to the Week in Review.  Wait... Why is there one more week on the schedule?

 

Atlanta Falcons @ Buffalo Bills

The Bills clinched a playoff slot on Sunday, while looking like anything but a playoff team.  Josh Allen ran for two first quarter TDs, then proceeded to turn into Nathan Peterman for the second and third.  He threw three INTs and just 120 yard passing.  Until Devin Singletary scored two rushing TDs in the fourth, the Bills... Just sucked.

And the Falcons utterly failed to take advantage.  They managed to ckick off the scoring with a safety before Allen went into his tailspin.  Then it was a MIke Davis rushing TD, two Younghee Koo FGs... 

And then jack.

Good thing Matty Ice has one more game, so this isn't the slog he's going out on.

Buffalo clinches the AFC East with an win vs. the Jets or a Patriots loss.  The Dirty Birds have been officially sent into the Offseason Zone.

Bills 29, Falcons 15

 

New York Giants @ Chicago Bears

Nuff said.

Though congrats to Robert Quinn for breaking Richard Dent's season sack record with 18.

Bears 29, Giants 3

 

Kansas City Chiefs @ Cincinnati Bengals

This may have been the Bengals' biggest win of the year.

Joe Burrow threw for 446 yards and 4TDs,  hooking up with Ja'Maar Chase 11 times for a team record 266 yards.  He completely outplayed Patrick Mahomes.(259 and 2).  The Chiefs defense, which looked to be back in championship shape, got shredded by the Chase/Burrow combo.

Which of course means next week, the broadcasting team will spend half the game giving Burrow verbal hand jobs, no matter how he's actually playing.

The win gives the Bengals the AFC North, with an outside shot at the #1 seed (with a win and losses by the Titans and Chiefs).  The loss knocks KC to the #2 seed behind Tennessee (though they can regain it with a win @ Denver and a Titan loss to the Texans).

Bengals 34, Chiefs 31

Las Vegas Raiders @ Indianapolis Colts

Like any other nest of cockroaches, the Raiders refuse to die.

David Carr, possibly going through his final days as a Raider, kept Vegas' faint playoff hopes alive.  Though it would be more accurate to say "He failed to drive the Raiders into a ditch... Like Carson Wentz did."

Carr threw two INTs, which the Colts converted into zero points.  When your QB only throw for 147 yards, you might need to cash one or two of those in.

The Raiders now face a Win-And-In game with the Chargers in the regular season's final game.  The Colts are in with a win over Jacksonville or a Chargers loss.

Real MVP Johnathan Taylor 108 yards and 1 TD on 20 carries.

Raiders 23, Colts 20

 

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New England Patriots

Welp...

Patriots 50, Jaguars 10

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New York Jets

The narrative coming out of this game should be Tom Brady (a man closer to 50 than 30) putting the team on his back and carrying them to a win over the inexplicably game J-E-T-S NOT-QUITE-DEAD.

The actual narrative is Antonio "Professional Hand That Feeds Me Biter" Brown basically declaring his retirement in the middle of the game. As of this writing, the Bucs still haven't released Brown¹, but I sincerely doubt he'll wear ANY NFL uniform again.  Even were he ten years younger, you can only pull this kind of shit so many times before even the most receiver-thirsty team goes "Nah.  We good."

Though I do agree with Gil Brandt:

 

One more thing about Antonio Brown: While you’re criticizing him and his awful behavior, don’t forget he’s had enablers at every point along the way. There have been a lot of souls sold. Great to say “he’s no longer a Buc” but he never should have been a Buc.

— Gil Brandt (@Gil_Brandt) January 2, 2022

Bucs 28, Jets 24

1. Probably working out what they'd owe him and what they can withhold or reclaim.

Miami Dolphins @ Tennessee Titans 

18 of 38 for 205 yards, an interception and three fumbles. 

 When you ask why I don't consider  Tua Tangyvanilla an NFL-caliber quarterback, I will simply point out that he's had  more games like this in both of his years as a starter than dominant performances.

Come at me.

Titans 34, Dolphins 3

 

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Football Team

And somehow, with this win, the Eagles clinched a playoff berth.

I mean, kudos for the achievement and all that.  But is it really that big a deal when you stand no chance against ANY of your potential opponents?  Frankly, I'd rather have the higher draft pick than knowing damn sure you're locking yourself into the 19th pick with a likely humiliating 20 pt plus loss in the playoffs.

I can hear the Eagles backers now shouting "Anything can happen in the playoffs."  So I ask you, O Iggles Nation:  Packers, Bucs, Rams, Cowboys, Cardinals.  Which one of those squads do you think you can beat, right now?

Take your time.  I can wait.

Eagles 20, WFT 16

 

 Los Angeles Rams @ Baltimore Ravens

This was a game of "Who could get out of their own way first."  Matt Stafford had two INTs (including a Chuck Clark Pick Six) and a fumble, nerfing the Rams' offense until late in the game.  The Ravens were piling up rushing numbers but couldn't get the passing game going under LA's pass rush.

The Ravens had a chance to pull it out at the end, but a sack by  Von "Oh, yeah... That's what they traded for him for" Miller sealed the game for LA.

The Rams seal the NFC West and the #2 seed with a win vs. San Fran.  The Ravens need to beat the Steelers and get a lot of help.

Rams 20, Ravens 19

Dallas Cowboys @ Arizona Cardinals

Kyler Murray is now 8-0 in AT&T Stadium.

I wanted to get in some kudos before going into full frustrated Dallas Fan mode.

This game was a giant ball of frustrations.  When Dak wasn't short-hopping ducks, he was getting his passes tipped at the line.  If he managed to reach his receivers, they seemed to drop the pass as often as catching it.  And then there was the defense.  With the pass rush MIA and without the turnovers that have fueled Dallas' success¹, they couldn't stop the Cardinals when it counted.

 Change any one of those things to the positive, Dallas wins this game.  Frustrating.

And now Dallas faces a choice (that shouldn't really be a choice):  They're the 4-seed right now, likely looking at the Rams/Cardinals loser as their playoff opponent.  A win plus a Tampa or Cardinals loss moves them up, looking at the Niners or Eagles most likely.  But they'll probably need to play Dak and Zeke to get that win.  And Dak and Zeke desperately need to rest, if we² stand any chance of making it past the wild card.

Rest up and be stronger for a stronger opponent, or roll the dice on someone stumbling down the stretch and giving us a weaker opponent?

If we don't see heavy doses of Cooper Rush and Corey Clement next week, I will be pissed.

Cardinals 25, Cowboys 22

1. And with Micah Parson nerfed, playing spy on Kyler Murray.
2. Yeah, I said "we."  Deal.
   

Denver Broncos @ Los Angeles Chargers

Why do the Broncos keep trotting Drew Lock out there like he has a chance of being on the 2022 roster?  At this point, he's probably getting calls from USFL teams.  #FreeBrettRypien

Chargers 34, Broncos 13

Houston Texans @ San Francisco 49ers

And somehow, the Niners are still in the playoff hunt.

Trey Lance, starting for the injured Jimmy Garappolo, showed flashes of why Garappolo will be playing for someone else next season, throwing two second half TDs and 249 years for the game.  Yeah, it was the Texans, but wins are wins in the NFL.

His opposite number, Davis "I can't believe they're actually going to into next season with him at QB1" Mills didn't fare so well (21/32 for 163, a score and a pick)

Niners 23, Texans 6

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints

This game was trash.  Next.

Saints 18, Panthers 10

Detroit Lions @ Seattle Seahawks

If this truly is Russell Wilson's last home game in Seattle, he gave the home crowd a hell of a curtain call.  He threw for 236 and four scores, combining with the Legion of Poof to clown the Lions.

On the plus side for Detroit, they seem to have found a real one in Amon-Ra St. Brown (8-111, 1 TD)

Seahawks 51, Lions 29

[SNF] Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers

 How does Mike Zimmer still have a job?  Yeah, you're not beating Green Bay with Sean Mannion under center.  But the question still stands.

Packers 37, Vikings 10

 

[MNF] Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Why was Baker Mayfield playing?  The Browns had been eliminated from the playoffs before the game even started.  There was nothing to play for except, as Sober Johnny Manziel stated post-game, trying to avoid a losing season.  Would it be a stretch to say that if the Browns truly had Mayfield in their 2022 plans, not only does he not even suit up, but he's already had the needed shoulder surgery?

All the above was far more interesting that the game, which was probably Big Ben's home swan song.

What is interesting?  With the win, Coach Omar Epps broke Marty Schottenheimer's record for consecutive non-losing seasons with 15.

Steelers 26, Browns 14