#NFL Week In Review - Week 6

 Welcome to the Week in Review - your booster shot of football nonsense!

(TNF) Bucs 28, Eagles 22

This one wasn't nearly as close as the score would indicate.  The Bucs were in control from the start, never trailing and leading by double-digits for most of the game.  Tampa employed a ball-control game plan (39:56 - 20:04, with a 27-16 first down advantage).

The Eagles, playing less like they were trying to win and more like they were trying not to get blown out, went from their baffling season-long refusal to use their running backs as runners (Miles Sanders had one carry in the first half) to playing like goddamned 80s Nebraska.  Sanders and Good Value Mike Vick combined for 100 yards in teh second half, more than double Tampa's defensive average.  Granted, this was mostly due to Tampa being more than willing to let Philly burn clock on the ground, but stats is stats.

Naturally, the Eagles responded to this lack of air power (Hurts went 12 of 26 for 115 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT), by shipping veteran TE Zach Ertz to Arizona for a box of Little Debbies..

 

(London) Dolphins 20, Jaguars 23


Coming into this game, the Jags had to clear choices.

  1. Lean into history and pursue the '76-77 Buccaneers' 26-game losing streak (Possibly the 1942-1945 Chicago Cardinals' 29 straight)
  2. Take the opportunity and go for one of the few plausible wins possible on their schedule.

They chose the latter, getting a 53-yard FG from Matthew Wright¹ as time expired, to take the win.
 
  Yawn.

Tua Tangyvanilla returned from his injured ribs and the Dolphins coaching staff did their best to put him back on the shelf, having him throw the ball 47 times and not even trying to establish the run vs. the 20th-ranked Jaguar rush defense.

Sorry, London.  Again.

With that win, Detroit assumes sole possession of the title of "Winless Team."  Will they too fix that this week?  Stay tuned.
  1. Who was a software engineer six weeks ago.


Chargers 6, Ravens 34

 
Baltimore won their fifth-straight game, having decided to dispatch with the drama and last second heroics and just pummel their opponent this time. They held Justin "'Another Reach Around Sir?', said ESPN" Herbert and the Chargers to 208 total yards and basically made this one a laugher.

That 208 yards is the lowest offensive total the Chargers have had with Justin Herbert under center.  IT's also their lowest output since Week 16 of 2018.  Also against the Ravens.

 

Vikings 34, Panthers 28 (OT)

 
Sam Darnold appears to be cut from the same cloth as Ryan Fitzpatrick:  When you're not expecting much from him, he can light it up.  When you're actually expecting firepower, he turn back into a pumpkin.  Yet despite delivering a second-straight dud (17/41 for 207, 1 and 1), they managed to take the Vikings to OT before falling.   Run CMC can't get back soon enough...

Which says more about the Vikes than the Panthers, frankly.  They avoided yet another second-half implosion (scoring their first second half TD in four games), yet still needed OT to take down Carolina.  And they had the nerve to put this out on social media.



No, Kirk, we do not.

 

Packers 24, Bears 14


Yes, Bears Nation.  Aaron Rodgers does, in fact, own you.  Do something about it.
 

Bengals 34, Lions 11

And the answer, as it turns out, was "no."
 
Looking at their schedule, Week 8 vs Philly, the rematch with Chicago in Week 12, Week 16 @ Atlanta and the season finale vs. Green Bay (assuming the Packers rest their starters that week) look to be Detrot's best shots at wins, barring some massive upsets.

Gee, maybe Matt Stafford wasn't the problem after all.


Texans 3, Colts 31


I'll say this, teams are making it way easier to see who sucks and who doesn't, and they're doing it in a hurry.

Weird thing is, they got their only win and otherwise looked competitive with Tyrod Taylor under center.  And I'd willing to bet they'll leave him on the bench and continue to destroy Davis Mills' psyche, when he comes off IR.  Because apparently being a Texans coach or front office official does bad things to your brain.

On the other side of the field, Johnathan Taylor had 145 and 2 on 14 carries, including an 83-yarder.  Which means he's probably gonna get four carries next week.  Because in today's NFL, if your name isn't "Henry", "Elliot" or "Cook" you are disposable RB trash and you should be grateful for the carries you do get.
 

Rams 38, Giants 11


Wow... The games sucked this week, didn't they?
 
The Rams spotted Big Blue the first three points of the game  Then scored the next 38, with NYG scoring a garbage time TD+2 to make it less of a total ass-whipping.  Daniel Jones looked like he could've used another week in the concussion protocols,  going 29/51 for 242 and 3 picks.

Saquon Barkley and Kenny Golladay probably wouldn't have helped here.

Plus side:  I got to learn who the Rams' backup QB is:  John Wolford, second-year guy out of Wake Forest
 

Chiefs 31, WTF 13

 
It's official:  Every NFC East team not based in Dallas sucks and sucks HARD. They lay this egg on a night they retire Sean Taylor's number 

On two days notice.

In a blatant attempt to distract... Okay, maybe they deserved this ass beating.
 

Cardinals 37, Browns 14 

Given how many pieces the Browns were missing or lost over the course of this game, not sure this should really count as a win for Arizona.   Maybe a "Didn't Lose" column.  Counts as a tie for tiebreaker purposes?

All I know is that if Baker Mayfield, Kareem Hunt and Nick Chubb lose any significant time, the Browns go from dark horse Super Bowl contender to...  The Browns (Classic).


Raiders 34, Broncos 24

Game one of the Post-Gruden V.2 goes to the Silver and Black.  But, like the Cardinals, not sure if beating a Bronco teams that doesn't seem to know what it is or what they want to do, should really "count."
 
 

Cowboys 35, Patriots 29 (OT)

Mike McCarthy is going to cost us a game.  Legatron bailed him out vs. the Chargers and (The Real MVP) Dak bailed him out here.  Seriously, the man's clock management would make Philly-era Andy Reid go "Dude, you suck at this."
 
Dallas gets teh bye next week and then travels to Minnesota for the Week 8 SNF game.  They'll get La'el Collins and Michael Gallop back and healthy by then.  And (hopefully) Dak's injured calf will be fine by then.  The 'Boys look to have four games where they might lose left on the schedule.  Not "will lose":  "might lose."  (@MIN, @KC [Week 11], LV [Week 12], AZ [Week 17] )  They should be in play for the playoff bye and 16 straight is on the table.

There are only two things that could fuck up a deep playoff run: Injuries and Mike McCarthy.

Avoid the rush: Fire McCarthy Now.
 
Silver lining for the Pats:  Mac Jones was teh first QB this year I've seen straight up burn Trayvon Diggs.  Going right back to Kendrick Bourne (the same guy Diggs beat on the Pick 6) making him bite hard on an out-and-up move and connecting for a 75-yard TD.  Fair play, mates. #GratiutiousUKEnglish

 

(SNF) Seahawks 20, Steelers 23 (OT)


Wouldn't blame anyone who tapped out on this one after the first quarter.  Twas a boring slog. And teh second quarter wasn't that much better, with Pittsburgh taking 14-0 lead into halftime.

Then Pete Carroll suddenly realized "We need to throw downfield to actually have a shot", let Geno Smith do more than play not to lose (too badly) and pushed the game to overtime.

Where they still lost. Because they were still trash, even with their normal QB.  And because TJ Watt should've been a Cowboy, Jerry you idiot is a grown man and almost single highhandedly snuffed their comeback.

Big Ben still sucks, though.

 

(MNF) Bills 31, Titans 24

KICK THE FIELD GOAL AND GO TO OVERTIME, YOU ARROGANT IDIOT.  THE FOOTBALL GODS WILL SMITE YOU ON SHEER PRINCIPLE!

Sean McDermott didn't, and they did.

And Derrick Henry continues to be terrifying.



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