#NFL 2021 - Week 5

 Welcome to the Week in Review, where no embarassing email chains exist.  And I can explain the browser history.

 

Let's go ahead and start with the elephant in the room:  The resignation of Jon Gruden, due to the NY Times uncovering many MANY emails from a decade ago (around the time of the 2011 lockout).  Emails chock full of any -Isms you'd like. And being stupid enough to share these "views" (including calling The Ginger Hammer "a faggot" and "a clueless anti football pussy").

Many of you reading this know my views on "cancel mining": Calling for someone's head for things they did or said years (occasionally decades ago).  I think it sucks and is outright unfair at the best of times.  Especially when said mining is being done by people who either have never and will never watch an NFL game or were predisposed not to like Gruden in the first place.

But I digress.

When it was "just" his calling NFLPA head DeMaruice Smith "DeMoron" and saying he had lips like Michelin tires, I thought "This is nothing.  Let him apologize, give him a token fine and/or suspension and move the fuck on."  And then they found more.  So much more.  More than you can defend with "I didn't mean anything racial by it"  He had to go at that point.  Not that that's going to stop people from whining about Cancel Culture and how people "can't take a joke", whatever that means.

And somewhere in Florida, Urban Meyer whispers his thanks for Chucky for his sacrifice.   

 And everyone who had Meyer as the first coach to get the axe this season, screams into the void.

(TNF) Rams 26, Seahawks 17

.It might be Panic Time in the Pacific Northwest.  And I'd say that even if Russell Wilson wasn't out for at least a month, after surgery on his injured thumb.

The Seahawks were already teetering on the cliff of all-out suckage, thanks to their trash fire defense (dead last in yardage coming into Sunday).  Now they have to face the near future with Geno "Not Dead Yet" Smith, rather than Mr. Ciara's steadying hand.  Good luck with that, 'Hawks.

Not that they were looking all that strong before Wilson went out.

Lost in Seattle's struggles is the Rams rebounding from last week's humbling loss and going right back to looking like one of the teams to beat in the NFC.

Jets 20, Atlanta 27 (London)

Sorry, London!

But at least you guys got to watch Kyle Pitts FINALLY look like the fourth overall pick?  (9 for 119, 1 TD)

Eagles 21, Panthers 18

1. It looks like the Eagles know letting Jalen Hurts play Hero Ball is the only way they can win, so they're running with it.
2.  One game does not a true regression make, but Sam Darnold looked very much like New York Sam Darnold there.
3.  Goddammit, Philly!  You have actual running backs!  At least pretend to use them!
   

Packers 25, Bengals 22 (OT)

Five potential game-winning kicks missed (3 in the fourth, 2 in OT) says neither team wanted or deserved to win.

Patriots 25, Texans 22

Dear New England;

Win or lose, when you make Davis Mills look like Warren Moon (21/29 for 312, 3 TDs), that should raise some red flags for your defense.

 

Titans 37, Jaguars 19

And we are one step closer to the end of the Urban Meyer error..

And if my vote for MVP wasn't already promised to Dak Prescott, I'd bypass Kyler Murray and vote for King Henry (29-130, 3 TDs)

 

Lions 17, Vikings 19

 

Oh, look.  For the second time this year, Detroit lost on a long-range field goal, after the defense failed to get any stops on the last drive.  And the final scores were identical.

If Dan Campbell gets a second season as Lions HC, I will be stunned.  

 And the Curse of Jim Caldwell proceeds apace.

 

Broncos 19, Steelers 27

And the football world declares "THE STEELERS ARE BACK ON TRACK".

And everyone who's actually paid attention says "Pump the brakes, son."  One big game vs. the sliding Broncos does not a revival make.

Losing JuJu Smith-Schuster for the year probably won't help keep the momentum going.

Dolphins 17, Bucs 45

They're going to find a way to blame this one on Jacoby Brissett, aren't they?

Saints 33, WTF 22

Apparently, the Ex-Skins' defense is good for what ails ya.

Sean Payton seemingly remembered A) Rapey McCrablegs throws one of the best deep balls in the biz, something he wasn't actually letting him do and B) He had Alvin Kamara.  Even so, the Saints offense seemed to alternate between "Big Play/TD" (Winston threw TDs of 72 and 49¹), "3-and-out" and "Turnover".

And the pre-season predictions that WFT would be an NFC East contender looks sillier by the week.

1. The latter was a Hail Mary at the half, but it still counts
   

Bears 20, Raiders 9

And this happened before the Gruden shit really hit the fan.

 

Browns 42, Chargers 47

San Diego Los Angeles staked their claim to be the AFC team to beat (that isn't Buffalo), using a 26-point fourth quarter to win the shootout with Cleveland.  Our new god¹, Justin Herbert, threw for 398 and 4 scores, outdueling Baker "Benefit of the doubt shrinking" Mayfield (305 and 2).  

Not really sure how they did it, considering the Browns topped the Chargers in total yards (531-493), time of possession (36:26 to 23:32) and turnovers (1 to 0).

Just recall that the Chargers are some mental lapses vs. Dallas away from being 5-0.

1. Or that's the way it sounds when the talking heads talk about him.

 

Niners 10, Cardinals 17

Speaking of contenders to the throne, Kliff Kingsbury's Desert Mauraders go to 5-0, taking down the clearly not-ready-for-prime-time Trey Lance and the Niners.  The Cards did what good teams are supposed to do: Put down inferior competetion and find a way to win when you aren't on your A-game.  In this case, that meant leaning on the defense when Kyler "We want him to be Mike Vick¹ so bad" Murray was limited to 239 and 1 TD.

1. But not a criminal idiot.
   

 

Giants 20, Cowboys 44

Not sure if this one is on Dallas keeping the good times rolling or New York shedding parts like a '72 Nova.  Daniel Jones, Saquon Barkley and Kenny Golladay all left the game with injuries (and all look to miss Week 6), and Kadarius Toney (the Giants' only real weapon on the day) got himself tossed for throwing a punch at Dallas safety Damontae Kazee.

I'll take the win, best believe.  But (some) questions remain.

(SNF) Bills 38, Chiefs 20

It is panic time, Chiefs Nation.

The Bills strolled in and got a statement win, jumping out to a big lead, then snuffing the Chefs' comeback attempt with two fourth quarter picks.  I took several things away from this game.

1. While Josh Allen has clearly solved his earlier accuracy issue, he still tries to play Hero Ball way too often (as seen on his Intentional Grounding penalty.  Just throw the damn ball away!).  That's going to cost them, sooner or later.
2. He probably wouldn't feel the need to go Hero Ball if he got some actual help from the ground game.
3. The lightning delay meant the NBC crew had to vamp to fill time.  Fortunately, they had a hot topic to beat to death in the Jon Gruden emails.  Unfortunately, they'd already covered it thouroughly during halftime.  Which meant an awkward half-hour of Mike Tirico¹ and Tony Dungy trying not to repeat themselves and Drew Brees trying his best to say out of frame and will himself out of existence.
4. It is abundantly clear that Kansas City's fortunes go "Patrick Mahomes has a great game" or "The Chiefs Lose".
5. I have no idea why Chiefs DC Steve Spagnuolo still has a job.
6. The prior two say if they don't shore up the D and help out Patrick Mahomes² they'll be scrapping it out with Vegas to stay out of the AFC West cellar.
   
7. People came into this games with visions of Josh Gordon making a triumphant comeback.  He
8.  had one catch for 11 yards (one target).
   

 

1. Who, We will remind you, insists he's Italian, not Black. 
2. Establishing the run game would probably help.
   

(MNF) Colts 25, Ravens 31 (OT)

 For 48 minutes, the Colts had this game in hand.

Then RB8 turned into QB8, ending the game with three straight scoring drives, including the game winner to Hollywood Brown in OT.  He finished with 442 and 4 TDs, both career highs.

Bear in mind: The Colts had a 22-3 lead, midway through the third quarter, when Jackson remembered "Oh, yeah!  I can actually throw the ball instead of run it!"  And the Colts forgot "Oh, yeah!  We can actually defend the pass."

They also forgot how to field goal, with Rodrigo Blankenship going 1-3 in the fourth:  (with a blocked 37-yard attempt and a miss from 47 as time expired)  RB8's heroics aside, the Ravens didn't win this game, the Colts lost it.  And wasted a big game from Carson Wentz (402 and 2) in the process.