#NFL2021 Week 1

 

  (With apologies to Styx)

♬♬Welcome to the overreactions
Come on in and see the action
Tune on in, let your blood pressure soar
Season starts with expectations
Suddenly reality sets in
But it's way too soon for "yea" or "nay"

Don't be fooled by the clips on YouTube
Or Twitter or ESPN
They show you highlights of how your team should be
But they're just a bunch of fanboy fantasy

So if you think your team's a legit contender
Or just one big pile of lame
Just remember that it's only Week One
And at this point you're all the same
Except the Jags.♬♬

 

Cowboys 29, Bucs 31

Is there a person who watched this game, after Dallas went up by one, didn't immediately think "They left too much time?"

As a Cowboys fan, I shouldn't be too mad.  Everyone had us getting dogwalked by the Bucs.  This time last year, the Bucs would've easily scored double that.  They got absolutely worked over the middle by Gronk¹, but is that a matter of "The Cowboys are weak vs. interior passing" or "That's what Gronk does?"  Would've liked to see more Zeke carries(11-33, long of 13), but when Dak's dealing like that (42/58, 403yds, 3TDs, 1 INT) and going up against a Bucs defense that's basically daring you to pass, I can live with it.  We'll see how they look next week vs. San Diego L.A.  Getting Zach Martin back (DNP: COVID Protocol) should help the run game immensely.  Not to mention help Dak not get hit quite so much.

 

As for the Bucs, they looked exactly how you'd think a defending champion who returned every starter would look.  Damn them. 

And the season's first Tall Glass of STFU goes to ESPN.com, for the clickbait headline "Tebow shuts down Stephen A.'s take on Cowboys"  You can see the whole thing here.

 

That wasn't St. Tebow of Canthitacurve "shutting down" Screamin A. (High Priest of Cowboy Haters);  That was Tebow following up Smith's ridiculously petty push-back on the praise the Cowboys got in the loss with "But it wasn't just the Bucs' mistakes.  Dallas made mistakes, too!"

Even grading on a curve, is that "shutting down" ANYBODY?  Or is this just ESPN 

And while we're here:  TGoSTFU #2 to Dreamboat himself, for his continuous whining about the new number rules.  In a statement to the Tampa Times, Brady added context for his disdain for "non-standard" numbers on defenders:

The number rule is crazy. Literally, guys changed their numbers today. I’m playing two guys who had different numbers in the preseason. So, yeah, you’ve got to watch film and know who you’re studying but so do running backs. They’ve got to know who to block. So does the offensive line. So does the receivers who are adjusting their routes based on blitzes. So one guys has got a 6, one guy has 11, one guy has got a 9. And they change every play when you break your routes and get to your spot. It’s going to be a very challenging thing. It’s a good advantage for the defense, which that’s what it is. It would be like saying, 'What if I let the offensive linemen wear 82 and No. 9?' They wouldn’t know who was eligible. Well, that’s not fair. You’ll get your tail kicked. At least identify who the D-line, the linebackers and the safeties are. You’re going to have a lot of matchups where guys are blocking the wrong guys. I don’t know why that should be.

I keep people saying he has a point.  They're just was wrong as Brady.  And even more infuriating, because we all know if Sam Darnold or even Matt Ryan (a former MVP, don't forget) said those exact words, they'd get clowned hard by those same people co-signing Brady.

 

1. If you've been playing attention during film study, shouldn't you already know who's wearing which numbers?  Are you saying you would've lost track of someone like Ray Lewis if he wore 5 instead of 52?
2. You do know that the previous standard number system has only been around since 1973, right?  Somehow, guys like Johnny Unitas, Len Dawson, Bart Starr and Joe Namath had no problem dealing with linebackers wearing 35 and DBs wearing 3.
3. How is "one guy with a 6" and "one guy with 11" any different from the linebacker corps of a team wearing 51, 52, 53 and 54?
4. God forbid, the rules give the defense even the smallest of small edges? 

 

TL;DR, kiss my entire ass you entitled phony fuck.  #StillTeamMontana

1. You'd think that'd assignment would be tailor-made for Keanu Neal

Eagles 32, Falcons 6

 

And now the "Is it X or is it Y" questions really begin:  Are the Eagles that good or are the Falcons (still) that bad?

That the Eagles offense could light up the Falcons like that is no shock:  The Falcons were trash last year and did little to rectify that via the draft or FA¹.  The real surprise here is that the Falcons' offense was so punchless.  When Cordarrelle Patterson is your leading rusher, things have gone sideways.

Of particular note is the stat line of heralded rookie TE Kyle Pitts - who was hyped as the second coming of Tony Gonzales²: Four catches for 38 yards, on 8 targets.  Those are numbers you expect out of your backup, not the #3 pick in the draft.  Compare and contrast with Philly's #10 pick DeVonta Smith: 6-71 with a TD.

Not a stellar start, Coach Smith.

 

And no, I will not be hopping on the Jalen Hurts hype train.  Let's see him do it against an actual defense.

 

Shout out to former Memphis Tiger Kenneth Gainwell, who scored his first pro TD on an 8-yard run in the 3rd for the Iggles.

1. 5 of their seven draft picks were on the defense, but every one is a backup at best.

2. Or Kellen Winslow II, if he wasn't more interested in being a sociopathic thugling.

 

Steelers 23,  Bills 16

 

Dear sports writers of America;

 

If you have to describe a team as having "rallied" from a 10-0 halftime deficit, that just means you low key said both teams sucked. 

Darkhorse MVP darling Josh Allen did little to justify the preseason hype: (30/51 for 270, 1 TD)¹.

 

 

1. Not bad, but MVP-caliber it ain't

 

 

Jets 14,  Panthers 19

 

In this corner, Zach Wilson,  ushering in a new era QB for the Jets.  The fourth such new era in the last 15 seasons¹², by my count. 

In this corner, Sam Darnold: The guy the Jets kicked to the curb for Wilson.

 

Advantage:  Darnold. (279/1/0 to 258/2/1)

 

Lost in the fog of DARNOLD³ REVENGE was the return of Run CMC (98yds rushing, 91 receiving)

 

 

1. If you don't count clear placeholders like Old Farve, Fitzmagic and whichever McCown they wrangled in before Darnold.
2. They ain't the Browns or Dolphins when it comes to "Looking For The Next QB", but they're not that far off either.

3. And Robby Anderson.

 

 

Vikings 24,  Bengals 27 (OT)

So much for "he can't catch."

Ja'Maar "They took him instead of a lineman" Chase had 5 catches for 101 yards and a TD in his regular season debut, erasing the jeers and doubts caused by his preseason dropsies.  At least for a week, anyway.  That and Joe Mixon seemingly re-finding his mojo (29-127, 1 TD) put the Bengals in position to take advantage of Viking mistakes (which is as much as you can ask of a rebuilding team like Cincy).   And the Purple Ones made enough mistakes - be it drive killing penalties or Kirk Youlikethat checking down at every turn - to keep them in the game and into overtime.  Once there, they forced a Dalvin Cook fumble and cashed it in for the winning kick.

I believe they call that "playing down to your competition."

Though the Vikes registered five sacks and seven QB hits, so the "Will Joe Burrow Get Andrew Luck'd" watch proceeds.

 

 

49ers 41, Lions 33

 Okay, show of hands:  Unless you're a super fan of either, who gave a crap out this game outside of watching how much play Trey Lance got?

Now; How much do any of you remember about this game outside of "Trey Lance threw a TD on his very first pass?"

I'm sure Niner and Lions fans can tell me all about this game and how much awesome I'm just dismissing.

Don't care; moving on. (Sorry, Sauce)

Jaguars 21,  Texans 37

And on a similar note, we have the debut of #1 overall pick, best thing since sliced bread, best QB prospect since Luck¹  Trevor Lawrence.  How'd he do?  He was... Okay: 28/51 for 332,  3 TDs and  3 INTs. 

Guys... You're aware you have running backs, right?  Don't need the rookie to throw 51 times in Week 1, okay?

To me, the real story was Tyrod "Black Steve DeBerg" Taylor, who threw for 291 and two scores.  Which means he's gonna get run over by the team bus or benched for one of Deshaun Watson's masseuses, isn't he?

Fun fact:  Danny Amendola is still in the league and on the Texans'; active roster (5-34, 1 TD).

 

Seahawks 28, Colts 16

 

And the reunion of Carson Wentz and Frank Reich begins...  By getting worked by Seattle.   Wentz spent a good chunk of the day either getting pummeled or avoiding getting pummeled by the Seattle front four, ending the day with a good-not-great 251 and 2.  Getting TY Hilton back should help with that.  As should getting some missing defensive pieces back so they could get some stops.

Mr. Ciara finished the day with 252 and 4, looking rather at home in new OC Shane Waldron's offense.  We'll see if the new boss will #LetRussCook in crunch time.

 

Cardinals 38,  Titans 13

 

If I told you, this time last week, that this game would end up 38-13 and Arizona would have the 38, you would've wondered what the hell happened to the Titans, right?  Were there injuries?  Did Tannehill get taken out?  Where was King Henry? 

Guys, those are questions I'm asking NOW.

Kyler Murray looked like peak Mike Vick out there: Throwing for 289 and 4, with a pick, and adding 20 and another score on the ground.  On the other side, the Titans offense just wasn't there.  Tannehill finished with 212, 1 and 1 and Derrick Henry finished 17 for 58.

Shrug   Sometimes you just get got.

 

Chargers 20, WTF 16

 

The solution for 2021's Ryan Fitzpatrick Cluedo was "Week 1" with "Hip Injury!"  

 

He's out 6 to 8 weeks (re: Adam Schefter).  Meaning the guy I'm guessing most Ex-Skins fans wanted to begin with, Taylor Heinicke, gets the start, barring massive suckage.

andggchargersisuppose

 

Browns 29,  Chiefs 33

 

The perennially-almost-there Browns started off the season with a yardstick game and came up short.   Granted, it's a road game vs. the two-time defending conference champs.  But good teams, teams with legit talk of contention make that two-score fourth quarter lead hold up.  They don't hamstring themselves with sloppy play and penalties.  They don't let said champs right back in by giving up a 75 yard bomb

The Browns will have their chances down the line.  I hope this one stick with them and drives them to do better.

 

Dolphins 17, Patriots 16

 

If you just go by the stats and team comparisons, Darth Hoodie and the Imperial Remnant win this game by at least a touchdown. An almost 2-to-1 advantage in Time of Possession, more yards, more first downs.

And more turnovers (2 to 1).  The last of which snuffed out the Pats last, best chance to win (Xavien Howard forcing and recovering a Damien Harris fumble on the Miami 11)

Mac "Lex Luger to Brady's Hulk Hogan" Jones finished with  281 and a TD on 29 of 39 passing, slightly outplaying former 'Bama teammate Tua Tangyvanilla 202/1/1).

 

Packers 3,  Saints 38 (@ Jacksonville)

 

If it really was as simple as Rapey McCrablegs getting his vision corrected, I'm going to laugh... 

 

The storm-displaced Saints put the boots to the NFC runner-ups, whipping them on every front,  Winston threw for 148 yards on 14/20 passing.  Utterly pedestrian, until you add in the five touchdowns, scoring on scores of 3, 1, 10, 8 and 55. 

 

Throw in 171 rushing yards and a front seven that battered the defending MVP all day, eventually seeing him self-defense benched in the fourth for Jordan Love and that was a receipie for an swampland ass whoopin'.

 

There's conspiratorial whispers that Discount Double Check tanked this game intentionally to send a "Still Not Happy" message to team brass.  Even if that's even sort of true, that would be unbelievably petty and unprofessional and I'm here for all of it!

 

Broncos 27,  Giants 13

 The make-or-break 2021 campaign started off with the needle pointing squarely at "Broken" for the Football Giants.

 

Looking very much like last year's meh-tacular squad, the Giants were offensively punchless.  Saquon "Is the Curse of the Penn St. RB back?"  Barkley had 26 yards on 10 carries (long of 5)  Melvin Gordon out-gained the entire Giants team on his TD run (70 to 60)

Real talk: If I wasn't keeping an eye on Teddy Ballgame (28/36 for 264, 2 TDs), this would've gotten a "Meh.  Moving on".

Bears 14, Rams 34

 

Since former Tiger Anthony Miller is no longer with Chicago (Traded to Houston) , if not for Matt Stafford ( 20/26 for321, 3 TDs) and former tiger Darrell Henderson (16-70, 1 TD), this game gets a "Meh. Moving on")

In fact, barring unusual goings on and/or Chicago stops being stupid and puts Justin Fields in, all Bears games going forward will get the "Moving On" treatment.  Something tells me they won't do much to alter this call.

 

Ravens 27, Raiders 33 (OT)

I've seen people calling this the game of the week (and de facto game of the year).  Call me biased, but I don't think it quite measured up to Dallas/Tampa. And all the really wild stuff went down in overtime, anyway.  With the Raiders getting what looked like a game-winning catch by Bryan Edwards getting called down at the 1 (and the Raiders nearly getting an Unsportsmanlike penalty for the premature celebration), Alex "It's early, but he looks in over his head" Leatherwood pushing them back with a false start and then an interception off Willie Sneed's hands, it looked like Da Raidahs had blown their chance.

Then Carl "Oh, yeah!  The gay guy!"  Nassib strip sacked RB8 on the Raven 33, setting up the winning Carr-to-Zay "Sounds like he's actually the gay one" Jones connection.

Speaking of RB8, the Ravens are gonna need to do better at protecting him (3 sacks, 7 hits and numerous pressures and hurries), if they want Jackson to take them into December, let alone the playoffs.