2020 Week in Review Week 5
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(TNF) Bucs 19, Bears 20
If that were any other QB, that fourth down gaffe would be turned into the NFL’s Chris Webber moment.
But since it’s Tom Brady, such a foible is woven into the rich tapestry that is Tom “Dreamboat” Brady.
...Is what I would say if I were a Pats or Bucs fan. I’m not, so.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zivqZP3oTw4
And somehow, the goddamned Chicago Bears are 4-1 and half a game back of the Packers for the NFC North lead. If Nick Foles stays in “Philly Special” Foles, and not “St. Louis Ram” Foles, they could do some thangs come January.
Panthers 23, Falcons 16
Just what is it going to take to get rid of Dan Quinn? He checks damn near every item on the Bad Coaching Checklist.
- Long Losing Streaks? Check
- Choke Jobs? Want that on the biggest stage or in a twin-pack?
- His supposed strength is actually a weakness? The Falcon defense has been putrid since he took over.
- Lack of discipline? Same mistakes over and over? At least one "What the hell" decision per game? Check all.
And yet, he, and the guy who hired him and helped "build" that stellar defense (GM Thomas Dimitroff) will probably last at least through the season. And neither should. I know I've seen plenty of talking heads rail against in-season firings. "It does no good", they say. "Ride with what you have until you can replace him," they say.
I say "bullshit." What an in-season firing says is that prolonged failure will not be tolerated. It tells the players that accountability doesn't end with them. It gives someone on the staff valuable experience as the interim coach, even if there's no way they get the gig full time. And it tells the players and fans "We're tired of this shit, too."
Imagine how bad things would've gotten if Calvin Ridley (8/136) and Todd Gurley² (14/121/1) hadn't had big games on Sunday?
And I wrote all of that fresh off the end of this game, sure that Arthur Blank wouldn’t pull the trigger until January (if then).
Former Tampa washout Raheem Morris has been tapped to run the show for the rest of the season. Who knows? Maybe he can parlay this into a true second chance in 2021¹.
Covered up by the overwhelming stench of Falcon Fail, is the fact that Teddy Bridgewater (27/37 for 313/2TDs) and Robby Anderson (8/112) are quietly having Pro Bowl-caliber years.
I thought he got a bit of a raw deal in Tampa. Yeah, his record was shit, but he was stuck with the remnants of Jon Gruden’s tenure and was given neither time nor resources to turn things around.
Quietly third in the league in rushing yards, second in the NFC.
Giants 34, Cowboys 37
And this, kids, is why you spend the money on a reliable backup.
The Dallas offense will lose a bit of versatility with Andy Dalton under center instead of Dak (#GetWellSoon), but may gain a little in verticality. He’s the “Red Rifle” for a reason. So we’ll be okay in the long run. Dalton is one of those QBs who thrives when he has weapons around him. This Dallas team - even with the M*A*S*H unit O-Line - is probably the best collection of talent he’s ever been around.
But there’s still that defense...
Technically, they only gave up 27 points (TD on a Pick Six), but not for lack of trying: TWO Giants TDs got nullified by penalties (Illegal Shift on the fake FG pass to Evan Engram, OPI on deep strike to Darius Slayton). One of those scores stays, we lose.
Dallas is 2-3 right now. And we needed two walk-off field goals to beat two teams that are a combined 0-10. One of them is the NFC East team that should’ve been the least problem. Ordinarily, the answer would be “Run the ball, eat clock, keep our defense off the field.” That O-line is not up to that task. So it’s going to be up to the defense to shape up. Getting Leighton Vander Esch back will help. But he’s not a DB. He’s not a pass rusher.
Godspeed, Mr. Dalton.
And where the fuck was this offensive creativity when you were the Cowboys OC or HC, Clappy?
And while we’re here: Tall Glass of STFU to NBC’s Tony Dungy. Who called Dak’s injury a “blessing in disguise”
https://twitter.com/Matt2Clapp/status/1315451488307609607
He walked back the comments after getting dragged by the entire universe
https://twitter.com/TonyDungy/status/1315454990383828997
It was clear what he meant was “This is not the end for the Cowboys.¹” But come on, man! You talk for a living! You can choose your words better than that!
That’s still the defense.
Raiders 40, Chiefs 32
[looks at score]
[looks at score again]
Well, shit. Maybe the Raiders are for real - at least as long as they can keep everyone healthy.
And the crazy thing is... This is Patrick Mahomes worst loss as a pro.
His biggest defeat is STILL one score.
Even when he loses, Mahomes is still making people go “WTF HOW!?”
Cardinals 30, Jets 10
So how is it that Dan Quinn, who has a Super Bowl appearance on his resume, is gone, but Adam Gaze, who has nothing but fail on his, is still the Jets HC?
Other than the fact that Woody Johnson is a shite owner, of course.
And then came the news that Le'veon Bell’s time in the Big Apple has come to a sudden wet fart of an end. Yeah, Bell kinda diva’d his way out, but it still sounds like they had to choose between Gase and Bell. And they chose wrong Gase. Good news for Frank Gore, though!
And in case you were wondering where Joe Flacco ended up after flaming out in Denver, here you go. (18/33 for 195, 1TD, rating of 82.3).
Eagles 29, Steelers 38
Who the cinnamon toast fuck is Chase Claypool?
Rams 30, Alex Smiths 10
Without a doubt, Alex Smith returning to action after a gruesome injury and almost as gruesome illness while recovering, is one of the feel good stories of the NFL season. Hell, of league history. And would’ve resulted in one of the loudest crowd pops in sports history., in a normal year.
Too bad his team is 90% ABV¹
The Rams may not be the most consistent bunch (yet), but they're still 4-1, one game back of Seattle in the NFC West.
Ass By Volume..
Bengals 3, Ravens 27
Amazing how the Bengals seem to be getting the same results with Joe Burrow than they were with Andy Dalton, when they aren’t playing a team on the Jags’ level, that is. Almost as if they’re a really bad team and will need years of development and good drafts to become a contender. I suppose Burrow is where you’d start with a rebuild. But I feel Dalton got scapegoated a bit at the end.
And I thought that even before my Cowboys signed him.
Burrow will be great, once they get him some protection. Assuming, of course, they don’t go full Expansion Texans and beat the skill out of him.
Jags 14, Texans 30
The lesson here seems to be “Jacksonville: Good for what ails.”
And yes, it was just Jacksonville, but I have a sneaking suspicion Bill O’brien would’ve found a way to lose this one. Or at least make it way closer.
Side note: At 73, Texans interim HC Romeo Crennell is the oldest head coach in NFL history. Which is kind of surprising, when you consider some of the lifers that came down the pike in earlier years. [checks] That's what I thought: He edges out Marv Levy and Papa Bear Halas (both 72 in their last coaching years). Good for him!
Dolphins 43, Niners 17
So we’re gonna ride that Fitzmagic till it fades, huh Dolphins?
This was a tale of two quarterbacks:
- Ryan Fitzpatrick, fighting off the hotshot rookie Tua Tangyvanilla, put in 350 and 3 scores.
- Jimmy Garappolo, coming off an ankle injury, and looking like he should’ve stayed on the shelf, getting pulled at halftime for CJ “Did we mention he’s the grandson of Bobby” Beathard.
This was the worst Niners loss I can recall for a while, not just for the score but who beat them. This is a Miami team that would probably take a seven-win season and quit right now with a smile. And they beat the Niners at every aspect of the game. Moving the ball at will, shutting down the Niner offense at every turn.
And I couldn’t be happier because Fuck Kyle Shanahan.
But seriously, Dolphins; You know this won’t last, right? The moment you get complacent and start counting on these kinds of numbers, Fitzmagic will turn Fitztragic on you. You know this right?
Right?
Colts 23, Browns 32
Okay, Colts Nation... Anybody, really, answer me one question:
What did you think you were getting out of Phillip Rivers this year and why didn’t you think you could get it out of Jacoby Brissett?
And what’s it going to take to sit Marmalard down and put Brissett back in?
Because if you think Rivers can just “shake it off” and get right, you didn’t pay attention to Rivers’ last two seasons on the West Coast.
(SNF) Vikings 26, Seahawks 27
The Vikes would’ve done enough to beat most teams in the NFL on Sunday Night. Seattle, with Russell Wilson under center, is one of those teams where it wasn’t enough. They slapped around the ‘Hawks for the entire first half: 0 points and less than 75 yards of offense. And when Seattle made their come back in the second half, they counter-punched and retook the lead.
The Seahawks got the ball back on their own 6-yard line, 01:57 left, in a driving rain.
Russell Wilson to the world: I got this.
12 plays later, Mr. Ciara hits DK Metcalf on 4th and Goal for the game winner.
That has got to suck for the Purple Humble Pie Eaters.
The Vikings stumble to 1-4 and the gap between them and Green Bay (And Chicago) marches towards the insurmountable. The Seahawks go to 5-0 and are looking like the team to beat, barring injury, I don’t see anyone taking them down.
(MNF) Chargers 27, Saints 30 (OT)
Everyone wants to pile on to Anthony Lynn for yet another close loss. I wonder why he’s getting the blame? That sort of “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory” seems to be Charger S.O.P. ever since Marty Schottenheimer got the boot.
And I also find it notable that so many people are having concerns about the Saints after a win. But when your starting QB seems incapable of throwing the ball 20 yards in the air with any sort of velocity, you’re gonna get that. When you get that, plus that QB seemingly running on binary¹, you’re gonna get murmurs for the other guy. I think, under other circumstances, Whodat Nation would be jazzed to see what Sean Payton could do with Ol’ Rapey McCrablegs. But since that would mean putting a bullet in Old Yeller Breesus, we’re stuck with getting whatever we can out of him until he decides it’s time to step away².
Which means even when Michael “My Diva Alert Is Sounding: Thomas returns, we’re going to see the Saints struggle to beat mediocre to bad teams and get smoked by the heavyweights. Sooner or later, Payton and the Saints are going to have to answer the question: What matters more - Winning or Drew Brees’ ego?
0: Force to Emmanuel Sanders, 1: Dump to Alvin Kamara
AKA: The Eli Manning plan.
(Postponed from Sunday) Bills 16, Titans 42
The Titans were the first team with a TD scored on every red zone possession (at least 6 such possessions), 0 turnovers and 0 sacks allowed in a game since the Patriots in Week 11, 2007
The Bills were the opponent that game as well. #JustSaying
I would say the Bills failed their first real test in Nashville, but that means dismissing the Rams and Raiders. I have no idea how good either of those teams really are. I have a much better grasp of the Titans.
Or at least I did, before I checked the Titans’ schedule and saw that this margin of victory was more than four times the margin of their other three wins put together. Thought the 21 points off Bills turnovers probably helped there.
I’m curious to see how young Josh Allen - who seemed to be gaining confidence with every win - will bounce back from what was his worst game of the season.
[Week 6: hosting Kansas City]
Good luck with that, boys!
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