#NFL Week in Review – Week 16 (2019)

Welcome to the Week in Review.  Get your resumes updated, boys!



Texans 23, Bucs 20 (Sat.)


Uh, Tampa?  You sure this is what you want?

Famous Jameis’ Bakery¹ was open for business on Saturday serving up four turnovers, including his sixth first drive INT and Pick 6 of the season, respectively².  With the Bucs’ defense shutting down Deshaun Watson and co., avoiding even one of those INTs (ESPECIALLY the Pick 6), changes the nature of the game.

Of course, you can say that about three-quarters of Bucs games this year.

The win clinches the AFC South and a home playoff game for the Texans for the fourth straight year.  They join the Chiefs (AFC West) and Patriots (AFC East) as the only teams to have that many division titles since 2015.  Right now, the Texans’ playoff opponent would be Buffalo. That could be a wild one.


  1. $1 to Urinating Tree.



  2. And efficiently, as he achieved both feats on the second play of the game.




Bills 17, Spymasters 24 (Sat.)


Speaking of the young Bills, they got beat for the umpteenth straight time by the Patriots. And it was a familiar scene for the 2019 Pats: When they couldn’t get their passing game going, they ground out the yards and the points, content to let the defense do the heavy lifting.  Sony “60 yards or more equals ‘Victory!’” MIchel had 97 yards on 21 carries. Rex “Remember Me” Burkhead added a TD along with 4-20 rushing.

But I’ll say this for the young Bills: If/when Josh “White Jameis” Allen gets some consistency, the Bills will be a true contender.

 

Rams 31, Niners 4 (Sat.)


The Niners put themselves one win away from the #1 seed, holding serve against a desperate Rams team.  Or one loss away from traveling to the NFC East champion as the #5 seed.

It all comes down to next week with the season-ending Sunday Night game: Winner gets the NFC West, loser gets the wild card.

And it’s all over but the shouting for the defending NFC champions, the latest in a long line of Super Bowl runner-ups who failed to return to the playoffs the next season.  Perhaps if Sean McVey showed more confidence in Todd Gurley (or his backups) - in this game and earlier, things might have been different. But for now, it’s one more game then an offseason of soul searching and questions (mostly regarding Gurley and Jalen Ramsey).


Jaguars 12, Falcons 24


The Dirty Birds continue with Operation: Save Dan Quinn’s Job, doubling up the similarly lame duck coached Jaguars.

Quinn’s position seems far more salvageable.  A late-season surge, plus the clear support of his players, plus a solid resume would seem to point towards Quinn’s return (barring Arthur Blank saying “Screw it” and wanting to start fresh).

Doug Marrone’s position is far less safe, especially given the termination of his immediate boss, Tom “So Oldschool I Sweat Stickum” Coughlin.  There is scuttlebutt out there that Shad Khan is leaning towards bringing Marrone and GM David Caldwell, with the rationale being that the Jags’ woes were mostly due to the bad vibes Coughlin brought.

Why don’t you ask the Giants how well that take worked for them.


Ravens 31, Browns 15


Ravens continue to Raven and Browns continue to Brown.  I’m not sure how you bring Dudebro Jim Tomsula back now.  The players clearly don’t respect him and they had no discipline before that respect was lost.  The name “Ron Rivera” keeps coming up and I think Riverboat Ron is just the kind of strong hand this team needs.¹

At least this time, it won’t take him four seasons to realize “I have a QB bigger and stronger than many RBs.  Maybe I should use that?”

Meanwhile the only regular season question left for Baltimore is “Who plays next week and for how long?”


  1. Even though I DESPERATELY want him for the next Cowboys coach, he'll probably do more good overall in Cleveland.  Assuming Jimmy Haslam will let him.




Panthers 6, Colts 38


For a game with nothing riding on it, plenty happened.

The Colts’ Nyheim Hines became the first player since 2012 to score two punt return TDs in the same game.  He also set up a Colts TD with a third long return. Too bad the Pro Bowl voting has long since ended. Hines probably would’ve grabbed the AFC kick return slot on this day alone.

In losing their seventh straight, rookie Will Greer made his NFL debut for Carolina.  He didn’t look appreciably like an upgrade to Kyle Allen: 27 for 44 passing, 224 yards, three INTs, sacked five times.

On the plus side:  Run CMC turned into Catch CMC:  with 15 catches for 119, McCaffrey has 109 catches on the season, breaking the mark of 107 set last year by... Christian McCaffrey.  McCaffrey becomes the first back with two 100-catch seasons (let alone back-to-back 100-catch seasons). The 119 puts him 67 yards away from joining Roger Craig and Marshall Faulk on the 1000/1000 tier.  He also needs 216 total yards from scrimmage to break Chris Johnson’s 2009 mark of 2,509.

Enjoy the consolation prize of Offensive Player of the Year, young sir!

 

Bengals 35, Dolphins 38 (OT/TANK BOWL!!!)


The Cincinnati Bengals are now on the clock.

Now watch them beat the shiz out of Cleveland next week, because that’s the way things work between those two teams.

 

Steelers 10, Jets 16


And there’s that other shoe.

The Mike Tomlin Steelers’ tendency to play down to their competition reared its ugly head at the worst possible time.  Things were so dire for the Steelers that they benched Duck Dynasty for Rudolph the Red-Assed Quarterback. Only to go right back to Hodges once Rudolph was knocked out with a shoulder injury.

All this struggle, just to lose to the goddamned Jets.

Though, low key, the J-E-T-S-Might-Not-Suck have won four of their last six.  They’re not going to be a threat anytime soon, but they’re respectable. Any good team should be able to beat them, but they’ll have to take them seriously.  Let’s see what happens when they get some playmakers on offense.¹


  1. That Adam Gase actually wants to use.



 

Saints 38, Titans 28


Ladies and gentlemen: Your single-season reception leader, Michael Thomas.

Thomas’ 12 catches put him at 145 for the season, two ahead of Marvin “The OJ No One Talks About¹” Harrison’s 2002 mark.  And with New Orleans likely gunning for the #1 seed, he’ll have ample opportunity to add to that record.

Oh, yeah... The game.

Thomas had 136 yards and 1 TD along with his record breaking receptions.  The Alvin Kamara we’ve² been expecting all season finally appeared, contributing 80 rushing yards and 2 TDs on 11 carries.  More than enough to best a Titans team that was playing the long game and resting Derrick Henry.

The Saints get a first round bye with a win next week at Carolina, plus a loss by Green Bay (@Lions) or San Fran (@Seahawks).  They get the #1 seed with a win and both losses. Worst case scenario: They’re the #3 seed and host the Vikings.

To make the playoffs, the Titans will either need to beat the Texans (Who are locked into the #4 seed)  on the road or have the Steelers (@Ravens) and Colts³ (@Jaguars) lose.


  1.  $1 to Brandon Perna of That’s Good Sports.



  2. And by “we,” I mean “Fantasy Players.”



  3. Because Argle Blargle tiebreakers.



 

Giants 41, Deadskins 35 (OT/TANK BOWL!!!)


Danny Dimes put up another monster game that will make the New York faithful forget about the fuck ups, for now.  Again.

Jones threw for 353 and 5 scores, including the game-winner to Kaden Smith.  Saquon Barkley followed Alvin Kamara’s example, exploding for a season-high 189 yards and a score.

And yet, it took all that firepower and overtime to take down a team that had to pull Case Keenum out of mothballs to spell the injured Dwayne Haskins.

The loss drops the Fucksnyders into the #2 position in the NFL Draft.  Possibly the best position to be in: Let the Bungles roll the dice on Joe Burrow while you pick up the draft’s consensus best player, Chase Young.

 

Lions 17, Broncos 27


The Lions continue their dive into Twelve Loss Canyon, losing on the road to Drew “Fingers Crossed, John” Lock and the Broncos,  Luck passed for .25 of 33 passes for 192 yards and a score, with no turnovers. The Lions... Well, they sucked.

But with that suckage, they fall into the #3 draft slot, with a chance to rise to #2 in the (more possible than it should be) scenario that Washington beats Dallas.  Which is probably as good as it’s going to get for Detroit in 2020 (assuming they get the pick right).

 

Raiders 24, Chargers 17


Oak Vegas keeps those faint playoff embers burning, thanks to a road win over a checked-out Charger team and other needed but unlikely scenarios (like the Steelers getting clipped by the Jets).  Here’s what needs to happen for a Raiders playoff game:

  1. A win @ Denver

  2. Steelers and Titans lose

  3. Colts win

  4. Vikings, Packers, Chiefs and Dolphins ALL win, giving Oakland the “strength of victory” tiebreaker over the Steelers.


A lot of moving parts, but not impossible.  But imagine almost all of that going right, but getting knocked out by a Dolphins win?

 

Cowboys 9, Eagles 17


Fuck this team and everyone on it.

This was a more true team effort loss than I have EVER seen before.  Bad play caling on both sides of the ball. Bad execution of said plays.  Dak looking like straight trash. Clappy The Clown refusing to pull him despite clearly not looking or playing right.  The Jets clearly taking the angle tha tDak was hurt, so stacked the line against Zeka and Tony Pollard and dared Dak to beat them with his arm.  But when he wasn’t dropping the ball long or short, his receivers (league leaders in drops) let him down.

And that’s setting aside the defense.  Everyone in the stadium, up to and including the Dallas radio team, knew the Eagles offense was basically the Mike Vick In Atlanta special: Screen passes, dump offs to the tight end, the occasional deep shot and when all else failed, run.  The Dallas front seven continued their second-half allergy towards stuffing the run. The DB s were consistently beat by whatever special teamer and practice squad  call up the Eagles could scrounge up this week.

And yet, this game was still there to be had.  And they whizzed it down their legs repeatedly.  Nowhere is this more optimized than Dallas’ final play.  Fourth and 8 on the Philly 23. They need the touchdown and the 2-point conversion to tie.  Zeke is out: He got his bell rung and pulled himself out. Amari Cooper and Randall Cobb are also out because reasons.

Well, Clappy claimed that it was a part of the “regular rotation pattern” (and later tried to make it sound like it was the call of OC Kellen Moore and receiver coach Sanjay Lal).  But for all intents and purposes, it was “reasons.” Deep shot to Michael Gallop, broken up by Philly’s sixth or seventh DB.  Philly takes over on downs, runs out the clock. If that clusterfuck of a sequence doesn’t spell out, in fifty-foot neon letters, why Jason Garrett has to go, nothing will.

And it’s not just on him. Why did Cooper and Cobb allow themselves to be taken out at such a crucial juncture? If it was Moore and Lal’s call, why the fuck didn’t Garrett overrule it?  You DON’T want your best receiver - arguably your two best - on the field during a do-or-die, season-on-the-line play? Garrett is either gutless for letting such an obvious bad idea stand, or a fucking coward for signing off, then saying “Wasn’t my fault” after the fact when it didn’t work.

All of which hurts even more because Doug Pedersen seemed to be trying to match Garrett gaffe for gaffe. (Or emulate him, with seemingly playing for 50+ yard field goals TWICE).  This game was there for the taking.

At this point, I don’t care if the Cowboys make a Super Bowl run.  I want that red-headed fuckboy OUT and I want him out five years ago.  HEY GIANTS!  COME GET YOUR BOY!

And now the script is flipped. Philly is now in control for the NFC East.  A Week 17 win @ the Giants or a Cowboys loss to the Fucksnyders, they win the conference and host the #5 seed (likely the NFC West loser).

I swear, I can’t remember the last time the Dallas Cowboys made me this angry.  Finish this section, First Take:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdtUWs6ZZ_U

 

Cardinals 27, Seahawks 13


With the Niners victory, the Seahawks had to have this game to stay in front for the NFC West and the bye.

That plan got blown out of the water, hard and early.

The already ailing Seahawks offense got manhandled by the scrappy young Cardinals (and Chandler Jones).  A manhandling not helped by losing leading rusher Chris Carson and backup CJ Prosise for the rest of the season, in the second quarter. And then later lost their best OL, Duane Brown.  He’ll be out at least through the Wild Card round. They were down 20-7 in the third when Kyler Murray went down with a hamstring. Time for the comeback, right?

Nope.

The defense kept up the pressure (helped by the absence of the aforementioned injured players).  With Murray out, Kenyan “What did the Dolphins get for me?” Drake balled out (again), running for 166 and 2 scores, including the game sealer late.  Brett Hunley stepped in for Murray on that drive, directing a clock-eating 9-play, 78-yard game sealer.

It was arguably Arizona’s best win of the year and a feather in the cap for Kliff Kingsbury and his young squad.

And with Seattle in dire straits coming into the playoffs, the Seahawks put out the signal for RB help.

The Beast Mode signal.

And also journeyman Robert Turbin, but BEAST MODE IS BACK HOME!  REJOICE, SEAHAWK NATION!!!

 

Chiefs 26, Bears 3 (SNF)


...Good thing there’s one more Sunday Night game.

 

Packers 23. Vikings 10 (MNF)


As Dalvin Cook goes, so goeth the Vikings.

THe Vikes put up a valiant effort in the first half. Rock-fighting their way to a 10-9 halftime lead. Then  the Pack remembered three things after halftime.

  1. Minnesota was missing their big gun.

  2. They still had theirs in Aaron Jones.

  3. Kirk Cousins’ allergy to the spotlight (0-8 on Monday Night starts)


Jones finished the game with more rushing yards (154) than the Vikings had in net offense (139).  Discount Double Check went to 9-0 in games where he had a 100-yard rusher (Jones) and a 100-yard receiver (Davante Adams, 13-116).

And Cousins moves to 0-9 in Prime Time.

Green Bay will try and lock down a first round bye @ Detroit.  Minnesota, locked into the 6-seed, will host Chicago in what may or may not be Mitch Trubisky’s swan song as Bears QB/

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