#NFL Week in Review – Week 15 (2019)
Welcome to the Week in Review. Good thing nothing major happened last week...
Before getting into this week's games: A Tall Glass of STFU (with Good Riddance chaser) from last week. Now-former Dallas kicker Brent Maher, after delivering yet another sub-par performance vs. Chicago on Thursday Night Football (missing a 42 yarder, and shanking a crucial kickoff late in the fourth), had the nerve to go on 105.3 The Fan (Dallas' flagship station) and say this about his performance.
"I hit every ball pretty well tonight, [...] I’ll put my head on the pillow tonight feeling good about I did this week. I feel good."
Either those are the words of someone who knows the axe is coming and chose to express "I did my best" in the douchiest way possible or the words of an oblivious dickhead who actually thinks he did his job.
Either way: Fuck. You.
Dallas signed well-travelled vet Kai Forbath to replace Maher. A move that's at least six weeks too late.
Also, as I write this: The Pro Bowl teams have been announced. And I can't remember the last time I saw a roster this full of reputation picks. Nowhere is this clearer than with the NFC quarterbacks: Russell Wilson, Drew Brees and Aaron Rogers.
Wilson is a no-brainer, even if his numbers have fallen as of late. He makes the plays when his team needs them. You can argue the same of Brees, but his numbers just aren't Pro Bowl worthy (he might not crack 3000 yards this season).
Now go ahead and try to defend Discount Double Check. I'll wait.
For anyone who actually did try, tell me how that justifies him (or Brees) getting in over Dak Prescott or Kirk Cousins? Again: I'll wait. And this isn't even me being a Dallas homer: Travis Fredricks and Tyron Smith were pure rep picks. Granted, they both probably get picked after at least two of the three above them (Probably all three) back out of the game. It's the principle of the thing.
Now, on to the games of Week 15.
Jets 21, Ravens 42 (TNF)
And the Cowboys win continues to look more and more inexplicable.
The Ravens clinched the AFC North and moved one win away from clinching the #1 seed, running over around and through the helpless J-E-T-S-Wait-til-Next-Year. RB#7’s 86 yards rushing left him with 1,108 yards on the year, shattering Mike Vick’s 2006 mark of 1,039. He also added 212 yards passing and 5 TDs, increasing his league-leading Passing TD total to 33. That also tied Jackson with Vinny Testaverde for the Raven’s single season record (Vinny T setting his record in 1996).
Bear in mind, the Jets came in with the league’s #2 rush defense.
Sam “I Was a #1 Draft Pick!” Darnold had 218 yards passing and 2 TDs, but had 2 turnovers and was basically batted like a cat toy for most of the game.
The Ravens can wrap up the #1 seed next Sunday at the Browns - the last team to hang an L on the Nevermores. That’s going to get ugly, isn’t it?
Spymasters 34, Bungles 13
I was really hoping the Bungles would make a game of this. Mostly so I wouldn’t have to go too deep into Spygate II: Electric Boogaloo as filler. No such luck.
But seriously, guys. You got caught spying on goddamned Cincinnati? And you gave literally the same excuses as in the original Spygate? And it looks like, at worst, you’re gonna get dinged a draft pick or two, instead of the ass raping literally any other team would’ve gotten for getting caught spying for a second time?
And HELL NO, I do not buy the whole “It was for an online channel” thing. A lot of people I’ve heard buy it because there’s no way the Patriots would that lazy and arrogant. At least not for the Bengals. Again: THEY GAVE THE EXACT SAME EXCUSES AS LAST TIME. The same excuses we know were excuses because of evidence from the first Spygate.¹
And of course, Bill Burr and the rest of the entitled fucksticks in Patriots Nation will probably spend the next month after the punishments are officially handed down whining about how totally unfair it is you guys!
Specifically, a memo to the camera crew that basically said “If caught, say this.”
Seahawks 30, Panthers 24
Despite being down four defense starters coming in¹, and losing Bobby Wagner during a crucial late stretch, Russell Wilson and the Seahawks grinded out a big road win in Carolina, running out the clock late to snuff out a 14-0 Panther run. Wilson snapped out of a mini-funk with 286 yards and 2 scores. Chris Carson became the first Seattle back since 2014 to record consecutive 1000 yard seasons.
Meanwhile, the lone bright spot for Carolina’s offense kept racking up the achievements: Christian McCaffrey became the Panther to pass 2,000 yards from scrimmage in a season. He also needs to average 93 yards receiving in their last two games to join Roger Craig and Marshall Faulk as the only players with 1000 yards rushing and receiving in the same year.
In other Panther news: The team announced that 2019 third-round pick Will Greer will replace Kyle Allen at QB this week (and likely Week 17 as well, barring injury). That the team didn’t bring him in this week, having been eliminated from the playoffs last week, that says “Not ready for prime time” to me². Of course, this is “throw it against the wall and see if it sticks” season for non-playoff teams, so why not give him a run, ready or not?
Jadeveon Clowney, Ziggy Ansah, Mychal Kendricks and Shaquil Griffin, in case you were wondering.
See also: Dwayne Haskins.
Bucs 38, Lions 17
The most frustrating QB in modern times just added another item to his “What, Really?” file.
With his 458 yards passing¹, Rapey McCrablegs became the first player in NFL history to record 450+ passing yards in consecutive games. Yeah, that dude is the first to pull that off.
Seriously, if he could cut the turnovers in half, he’d be a goddamned All-Pro.
And as the Lions’ season continues to roll downhill towards Twelve Loss Canyon, the team delivered the happy news that Fratdouche Bill Belichick and GM Bob “Not Belichick Either” Quinn will both be back for 2020. I can only assume the Fords gave them a pass given the M*A*S*H unit the team was this season. It also makes me give the Fords the sideeye: They unassed Jim Caldwell - the team’s most successful coach since Wayne Fontes, after back-to-back 9-7 seasons, saying that wasn’t good enough. They brought in Matt Patricia and they’ve gotten worse in both seasons so far. Yet he gets more time.
Which gives me flashbacks to Ty Willingham at Notre Dame. Every other coach before him got at least three years to ge things going. Willingham got two. Willingham, like Caldwell, is the only non-white head coach the team has had. I don’t want to call it a race thing... But the ducks are quacking.
Getting his obligatory turnover out of the way in the first drive.
Bears 13, Packers 21
Somehow there are currently four teams with 11 wins in the NFC. And out of that jumble of tiebreakers and such, the Packers are somehow sitting on the #2 seed.
And frankly, they’re looking just as likely to get clipped in the divisional round as not. The boom-or-bust offense has too many dry spells for anyone’s comfort. Something that puts far too much pressure on the not-that-great defense. Both were on display vs. the Bears, where the Pack should’ve boatraced DAAAAAAA bears. And were they playing a team better than the even-more inconsistent Bears, it would’ve bitten them in the ass.
They’re gonna need to tighten up if they want to beat the Vikings and lock down the NFC North, let alone the first round bye.
Broncos 4, Chiefs 23
Welp, that was nice while it lasted.
The combo of getting pummeled by the snowy weather and the Chiefs’ pass rush and being a rookie in his third game brought Drew Lock crashing down to earth: 18-of-40 for 208, 1 INT, sacked twice, hit a bunch.
There’s always next week.
Dolphins 20, Giants 36 (TANK BOWL!!!)
Moment of silence, plz... This was, very likely, Eli Manning’s last home game as a Giant.
Back in the lineup due to an injury to Danny Nickels. Younger Manning proceeded to do Eli Manning things: 20 for 28 for 283 and 2 scores. And three picks. The entire 2015-2018 Eli Manning experience in one game.
And the win didn’t even cost them draft position! Though I’m not sure how that works: If they have the same record (3-11, at the moment) and one team has a direct win over the other, shouldn’t the losing team have the higher draft position? *shrugs*
Texans 24, Titans 21
Houston wrested control of the AFC South fully away from the scrappy, surging Titans. It took a late game surge to fully pull away from the Titans. Nuke Hopkins had four catches for 98 yards in the fourth quarter to aid the cause. Carlos Hyde carried the rushing load this time: 104 yards and a TD. The defense also did work, holding Derrick Henry under 100 yards for the first time since Week 9, and making Ryan Tannehill look like the guy who was shown the door in Miami.
The Titans’ playoff chances too a hit, but they’re still very much alive. They do need to win out, including the rematch with Houston, in Houston, plus getting some help. Personally pulling for them, mostly because Ryan Tannehill in the playoffs will be a a nice little middle finger to the jackoffs in Miami.
Eagles 37, Redhawks 27
Despite this being an important game in deciding the NFC East, the biggest story coming out was the presence of former Ohio St and Florida coach (and kind of a scumbag) Urban Meyer, former HC of Fucksnyders QB, Dwayne Haskins.¹ That should tell you what people think of both teams.
The Eagles ultimately won a tougher-than-it-probably-should-have-been game, with the Eagles up by 3 up until LB NIgel Bradham returned a failed lateral for TD as time expired. Haskins had his best game as a pro in the loss: 261 and 2 TDs.
The Eagles did their part setting up the long-anticipated showdown with Dallas. Stay tuned to see if Dallas holds up their end.
And, people forget, ex-coach of injured QB Alex Smith, who was also in the house.
Browns 24, Cardinals 38
Kyler Murray pretty much locked up Offensive Rookie of The Year.
Dudebro Jim Tomsula pretty much locked up his firing.
Jaguars 20, Oakland 16
And the last game for the Raiders in Oakland (Vol. 2) ends with a thud, gagging a 10-point fourth quarter lead. The weird thing is, the narrative isn’t the Raiders breaking down yet again. It isn’t the re-ignition of Minshewmania.
It’s the anger over Raiders owner (and what would happen if Howdy Doody and Donald Trump procreated) Mark Davis:
https://twitter.com/CamCleve2/status/1206420458486128640?s=20
Seriously, fuck that guy.
Vikings 39, Chargers 10
Dalvin Cook was held to 27 yards rushing before getting knocked out with a shoulder injury in the third quarter. Adam Theilen, freshly returned from injury, also contributed 27 yards, receiving. The Chargers were right there in yards and Time of Possession. The stats say this should’ve been a nail biter. How did this turn into a blowout?
Oh. Yeah. That’ll do it.
Sad to see, Captain Quiverfull’s Probable-Hall-of-Fame-though-he-really-doesn’t-rate-it career come to a conclusion watching him just absolutely come apart like this. And he seems like the type who’ll try and “prove he still has it” and ends up as another chapter in the saga of “Played One Season Too Long.”¹
Recent chapters include “Donovan McNabb in Chicago”, “Brett Favre as a Jet”, “Randy Moss as a Niner.”
Rams 21, Cowboys 44
WHERE THE CHICKEN FRIED FUCK WAS THIS DALLAS TEAM HIDING?
After a nice piece of WTFery at the coin flip, Kai Forbath’s first kickoff going out of bounds and a first quarter of “same ol’, same ol’.”, the ‘Boys woke up and just imposed their will on a Rams team that was top 5 against the run coming in. Zeke Elliot and Tony Pollard combined for 248 rushing yards and 3 TDs. Tayvon Austin chipped in with a big play. Sean friggin’ Lee turned into 2012 Sean Lee for a game. The much maligned defense shut down the Rams offense, with some garbage time offense making things look less dire than they actually were.
Such is the plight of the Cowboys fan in 2019, where a dominant performance like this just makes you mad, because there is no discernable reason they couldn’t have done this all season?¹
It still comes down to Week 16 @ Philly. They win, they are NFC East champs. They lose, they’d need beat Washington in Week 17 and have the Giants take Philly down on the road.
Of course, a loss means it’s all but a certainty Clappy The Clown is a Black Monday casualty. So torn...
Well, other than not playing the Rams 14 times.
Falcons 29, Niners 22
You just don’t want nice things, do you San Fran?
The Niners went from the #1 seed to the #5 with an embarrassing home loss to the surging (until they’re not) Falcons. San Fran is sputtering down the stretch, losing their third game out of the last five and looking the one playoff team the eventual NFC East champ could take.
Perhaps if they played like George Kittle wasn’t their one and only option on offense.
And miracle of miracles... The Falcons may have saved Dan Quinn’s job!
Bills 17, Steelers 10 (SNF)
The Bills were the survivor of a Sunday Night rock fight, winning on a Josh Allen to Tyler Kroft TD with under 8 minutes to go. It was a matter of which QB could make the most played while under siege by the opposing defense. That QB was not Duck Hodges, whom the Steelers leaned WAAAY too much on, under the circumstances. (38 passing attempts by Hudges, against 18 rushing attempts).
THe win clinched Buffalo their first playoff spot since 1999. The loss didn’t hurt the Steelers playoff chances, but now they’ve got no wiggle room: It’s win out or see you for Mini-Camp.
Colts 7, Drew Brees 34 (MNF)
Somewhere out there in space and time, there is a universe where the Chargers showed faith in Drew Brees and never drafted Philip Rivers¹. There is another when the Lolphins didn’t get cold feet about Brees’ shoulder and pulled the trigger on bringing him in.
The Saints of our universe are glad to have dodged those bullets.
Brees continues his campaign to stamp his name atop all the career passing records large and small, passing Elder Manning for the career TD lead². He also picked apart the Colts secondary for a record-setting 96.7% completion rate (29 of 30). Oh yeah, he also had 307 yards and 4 TDs to four different receivers.
The Saints are sitting pretty right now: Atop the NFC South, with a decent shot a stealing a first round bye from Green Bay or Seattle.
With the loss, their fourth in a row and sixth out of their last seven, the Colts are officially eliminated from the playoffs. It was a game effort, but injuries derailed them down the stretch, with Jacoby Brissett’s steady regression a secondary cause. They don’t even have a playoff contender left on the schedule to play spoiler against. Better luck³ next year.
Yes, I know technically, they drafted Eli Manning and traded for Rivers.
Though, technically, Tom Brady can jump him with a couple of monster games.
Pun not intended
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