#NFL Week in Review – Week 13 (2019)

Welcome to the Week in Review.  Burning through leftovers one bite at a time.


Bears 24, Lions 20 (Traditional Thanksgiving)


Another year, another Thanksgiving where the Lions are desperately trying to stave off double-digit loses.  Along with another year of the Bears trying to stay mathematically alive in the playoff hunt, instead of playing it smart and tanking for draft picks.¹

And the two worlds meet on Thursday morning.  And, naturally, it was a tale of two halfs: Detroit and their third string QB dominating the first half, Mitchell Trubisky realizing in the second half A) he can do more than force it to Allen Robinson or check down to Tarik Cohen and B) He doesn’t have to try and imitate Jay Cutler to do A.

David Blough, despite being more-or-less pressed into action, acquitted himself well: 280 and 2 TDs, with one pick.²  But he did most of his damage in the first half, with the Lions’ second half possessions going: 3-and-out, 3-and-out, FG, punt, INT.  Outside of two big strikes to Anthony “He remembered I exist” Miller, Trubisky was content to dink, dunk and scramble his way through the second half.  If it works, it works, I suppose.

Good thing the NFL doesn’t have style points.

And Matt Patricia, Fratdouche Bill Belichick himself, is coaching himself both into a Black Monday pink slip and a place in the Belichick Coaching Tree next to such winners as Josh McDaniels³, Romeo Crenell and Charlie Weis.(4)


  1. Then I remembered The Raiders have their 2020 first rounder.  Carry on, Chicago.



  2. In case you were wondering, Blough’s backup for the day was TE Logan Thomas, who was drafted by Arizona as a QB.



  3. Though it was arrogance, more than lack of skill that did McDaniels in, in Denver.



  4. Given the NFL’s copycat nature, I’m frankly stunned there haven’t been more attempts at grabbing another Belichick by grabbing a coordinator with special teams experience.



 

Bills 26, Cowboys 15 (Traditional Thanksgiving)


And let the murmurs become a roar.

For the third time this season, Dallas scored on their first possession.  They didn’t score again until the fourth quarter, when the game was out of hand.  Dak played his worst game of the season - definitely his worst since Amari Cooper came on board.  The defense just could not handle Josh Allen - as I was afraid of.¹ Cole Beasley had his best game as a Bill, naturally (6-118, 1 TD).  And the Bills defense lived up to the hype: Outside of the Cowboys’ first and last drives, they got utterly shut down.

This goes down as Buffalo’s “best” win of the year.  But now it’s a fair question: Are the Cowboys really that good.  Or even just “good?” Dallas is now 3-6, after the hot 3-0 start that made Cowboy Nation think “Maybe this IS the year?”  A thought that was strangled in its crib with a three-game losing streak. We’re 2-6 outside of the NFC East, with those wins coming against Miami and Detroit.  We have one win against a team that was .500 or better when we played them (Week 7, vs. then 3-3 Philly)

Buffalo has a similar resume (racking up wins vs. lackluster competition), but they have three more wins than Dallas and have been consistently taking care of business vs. inferior teams. (them getting blown out by the Eagles looks more and more like a fluke as time goes on).

So naturally, eyes turns to Jerry Jones, who can’t be taking this well after going in on Jason Garrett and the coaching staff last week.  But he’s already said “no in-season changes.”  And why would he?  If he thought the obvious choices (Kris Richard or Kellen Moore) were ready for such, he’d have fired Garrett after the embarrassing Jets loss.  Definitely after being out-coached by Darth Hoodie last week. If was thought earlier on, that another trip into the brick wall that is the divisional round might not be enough to give him the axe, given Jerruh’s stubbornness, loyalty to Garrett and Al Davis-esque contrarian streak.  Now, getting to the NFC championship might not be enough. Whispers of the dreaded “Q-word”² have started. Much screaming cursing could be heard in the Cowboys’ locker room post-game. And Jason Garrett has spent a decade proving his is NOT the kind of coach who can settle a team down and get them moving in the right direction.  Bill Parcells, he is not.

Hell, at this point, he’s not even Norv Turner.³

Let the Lincoln Riley rumors begin in earnest.  But Jerry has to know he’s going to have to throw QB money at Riley to get him to leave Oklahoma, right?


  1.  If Jeff Driskel could give them fits as a runner, what chance did they have against a QB that could run on purpose?



  2. “Quit” for the slower among us.



  3. Come at me, bro.



 

Saints 26, Falcons 18 (TNF)


In this corner, we have the New Orleans Saints, coasting into the NFC South championship and hoping Drew Brees has a pinch of pixie dust left in his right arm.  And praying that FINALLY a receiver will step up as a true WR2 next for Michael Thomas¹, so they don’t have to commit Taysom Hill to it²

And in this corner, the Atlanta Falcons:  Playing out the string and hoping for a good enough showing that their head coach doesn’t get Black Monday’d.

Thanksgiving Night will not be on the list of “Please Don’t Fire Dan Quinn” games.  A couple of garbage time scores made the final respectable, but this was a game where the Falcons repeatedly shot themselves in the foot - be it by turnover (2 INTs and a fumble, two more if you count “on downs), bad play calls (Fourth and 1 in the red zone at the top of the second quarter?  Shotgun pass time!) or bad execution (Younghoe Koo with a missed FG and XP).

Some people will decry Quinn’s call to shelve a gimpy Julio Jones for the bulk of the game.  Those people am stupid. Risking an RGIII scenario for a game that gains them nothing in the short or long run is the kind of shit that bad coaches do to try and save themselves.³  And he probably had to talk Julio down to do it. And good on him for it.

Dan Quinn’s gonna make someone a good DC or HC next year or 2021.

With the win, the Saints became the first team in 2019 to clinch a playoff berth.


  1. Also for a pony.



  2. Like they really should’ve have done either once the Dez Bryant experiment blew up on the launch pad or when Teddy Bridgewater proved he could hold up in multiple games.



  3. Again: See RGIII and The Shanahans.



 

Niners 17, Ravens 20


Really, guys?  You couldn’t flex the matchup of the year (so far) out of the 1 PM slot?  What is flexing for, if not putting a game like this into the national spotlight?  The two biggest markets in the country: NYC and LA didn’t even get the game live.¹

The wind and rain helped turn the game into a ground-based rock fight, with Raheem Mostert (19-146, 1 TD) dueling Lamar Jackson (16-101, 1 TD) and Mark Ingram (15-59).  The weather and each team’s defense helped scuttle each other’s air attack (Jackon had 105 and a TD through the air, Jimmy G countered with 165 and 1.) In the end, it came down to Jackson leading a clock-killing six-minute drive deep into the fourth, setting up Justin Tucker for a game=winning 49-yard kick.

IF this is what we actually get come Super Bowl time?  I’ll take it! Though some more passing would be nice.


  1. NYC because the Jets and Giants were playing at the same time.  LA because LA actively doesn’t give a fuck.



 

Fucksnyders 29, Panthers 21


This was the third time Kyle Allen and the Panthers set themselves up inside the opponents’ five yard line, with an opportunity to tie or score a game clincher.

And this was the third time they’ve failed to take advantage.  Here: First-and-Goal on the Redhawks’ 1. Results? Run CMC (Who had been shut down all game) for -1, McCaffrey for -1, incomplete out of the shotgun (again: THEY’RE ON THE THREE), WTF backward scramble by Allen, resulting in a sack and a fumble.  Of course the fumble was redundant here.

Rookie Dwayne Haskins didn’t exactly emulate RGIII, but he did the most important thing a rookie QB can do:  He didn’t cost them the game (13-25, 147 yards, 5 sacks, but no turnovers), instead doing just enough to support Derrius Guice (10-129, 2TDs) and Adrian Peterson (13-99, 1 TD).

It feels weird to say the three-win Fucksnyders are the team trending upwards of the two, but here we are.

ETA: And that was the last straw for the new Carolina ownership.

 

Jets 6, Bungles 22 (TANK BOWL!)


Cinci switched back to the QB Mendoza Line, Andy Dalton, in a desperate attempt to stave off 0-16: The Threequel. To which I say, “WHY?”  Turn into the skid! Embrace the horror! Would anyone know Rod Marinelli was ever a head coach if not for the 2008 Lions? Hue Jackson‘s 2017 season with the Browns took him from just another on the pile of failed Browns and Raiders head coaches¹, to a legendary 1-31 stretch.

Right now, Zac Taylor is the latest example of NFL trend chaser ending up in a flaming wreck at the bottom of a cliff².  But pull that Ohfer? You’re immortal! There will never be enough 0-16³ teams for that “achievement” to pale! Go for the gusto!  Or in this case: Wallow in that good shit!

Or go out and beat the shit out of the Jets.  Either’s good, apparently.

The Jets, as a result, became the first team to ever lose to two teams who were 0-7 or worse in the same season (Recall they were also Miami’s first win.  Somehow that might be worse than 0-16...

And if Andy Dalton is a Bengal next year, there’s some serious Stockholm Syndrome going on in Cincy.


  1. Though the rare one who appears in both piles for completely different reasons.



  2. The trend here being “McVey Alikes”.



  3. Or 0-18, if the NFL gets their way.



 

Titans 31, Colts 17


It was inevitable that some f the players jettisoned by Miami in the offseason would be enjoying career years elsewhere.  That’s what happens when a team has a blatant fire sale. But I’m thinking no one thought Ryan Tannehill would be leading that particular pack.

Tannehill won his fifth game out of six starts, taking advantage of two bad Jake Brisket INTs, Adam Vinatieri’s continuing struggles. (1-4 on FGs) and generally playing support to a strong performance by Derrick Henry (26-149, 1 TD).

The win put Tennessee a game back of Houston in the NFC South, with both games vs. the Texans still to come.  An outcome no one could’ve seen coming back in October, with Mariota still under center.

 

Bucs 28, Jags 11


The Tampa defense beat the Foles out of Jacksonville.

I said it and I’m glad.

 

Eagles 31, LOLphins¹ 37


It seems to me Carson Wentz has been coasting on A) his rep as a top 5 draftee, B) His MVP-level play in 2017, prior to his injury/legend-making stretch by backup Nick Foles.

Because the Carson Wentz of 2017 is looking more and more like an outlier and Wentz is looking like trash.  Granted, the Eagles’ utter lack of reliable receiving options and the even more dire state of their run game² aren’t helping, but results is results.

But as dogshit as they’ve been, they still control their own playoff destiny: They win out, they win the NFC East over Dallas, via common opponent tiebreaker.  And they’re the ones who get to be destroyed by whoever loses the NFC West.

But I can’t not give props to the Fish, who are playing hard and with pride.  They’re not the easy out 95% of teams in their position would be. That alone should earn Brian Flores a Coach of the Year point or three.

But calm down on the “Miami Special” hype.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qMvulMhuvI

 

It was a cool play.  It was not a Super Bowl changing play.  Slow your roll.


  1. I realized that if I was going to use that name, I was writing it wrong.



  2. Raise your hand if you forgot Jordan Howard plays for Philly now.



 

Packers 31, Giants 13


Discount Double Check + NFC East team = Green Bay wins.  #Science

But at least the snow was neat to look at.

 

Browns 13, Steelers 20


And cue the flood of “Duck Dynasty” blasts.

Not sure if this game is the beginning of the Duck Hodges era, but it sure as hell is the end of the “Mason Rudolph, Steeler” era.

And if it doesn’t drive the final nail into Dudebro Jim Tomsula’s coffin, nothing will.  Again: Dealing with the same owner that allowed Hue Jackson to survive 1-31.

 

Rams 37, Those Plucky Cardinals 7


Blake Bortles and Darrell Henderson were in the game at the same time. And it wasn’t because of injury.

That is pretty much shorthand for “The Rams are kicking your ass.”

 

Raiders 9, Chiefs 40


The NFL hoi polloi in Week 11:  Jon Gruden has the Raiders on the right track!  Playoffs are in their future!

Las Oakland: [loses their next two games 74-12]

Hoi Polloi: Hey, that Josh Jacobs is pretty good, eh?

 

Chargers 20,  Broncos 23


Even if you include the Drew Lock factor, this was another classic case of Chargers Gonna Charger.  Clawing back into the lead late into the game, they bailed out the desperate Broncos with a PI on Lock to Courtland Sutton pass, setting up Brandon McManus’ 53-yd game winner.

And yes, it was one game vs. San Diego Los Angeles, but in this one game, Drew Lock showed more potential than Brandon Allen and more current ability than Joe Flacco.

Could it be John Elway finally got it right?  Stay tuned!

 

Patriots 22, Texans 28 (SNF)


You’d think Darth Hoodie would throw one of these games to Bill O’Brien, if for no other reason than padding the stats on his Coaching Tree (see Bears/Lions above), so Bill O’Brien isn’t his most successful NFL protege by default.

[the game is actually played]

Ah.  Carry on, then.

O’Brien got his first win in six tries vs. Belichick. Deshaun Watson threw 3 TDs and caught another from Nuke Hopkins on a reverse option play. And with Tom Brady looking every bit the 42 year-old he is¹, the defense pretty much sat on the Pats until the fourth quarter.

With the win, the Texans place themselves in control of the NFC South and the #3 seed in the AFC playoffs.  The Pats lose their hold on the top slot to Baltimore with the loss. And with games to go vs. the Chiefs and Bills, there may still be a ways to fall for the Patriot Dynasty.


  1. Though at this point, it’s hard to see which is the true issue: Brady getting older and slower or that this may be the worst receiving corps he’s ever had as a pro?



 

Vikings 30, Seahawks 37 (MNF)


The week wraps up with a game where the loser might actually be the winner.  The loser falls to the #6 seed in the playoff hunt. Which will probably place them at the NFL East “winner” for the Wild Card round.¹

And the winner/loser is Seattle, who fended off a late charge from the Purple People Nibblers.  Losing Dalvin Cook for the second half definitely didn’t help the Vikes’ cause. Minnesota swapped blows with Seattle for as long as they could, but without Cook (Read: Without Cook making up for Kirk Cousins’ shortcomings)  it was only a matter of time before the Seahawks pulled away for good.

With The Seahawks moving into the #3 seed, there is every chance that there will be a rematch on Wild Card Weekend.  Count me in!


  1. Though, as things shook out, the five seed is currently held by San Francisco.



 

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