#NFL Week in Review – Week 9 (2019)
Welcome to the Week in Review. I feel like adopting a cat.
I have to give credit to Kliff Kingsbury (SUPER GENIUS) and the young Football Redbirds. A month or so ago, I said they were boring - an evaluation I stand behind. Now, they’ve progressed to the level of “Still bad, but they’ll make you sweat to beat them.” Even with Kingsbury’s questionable time out calls.¹
You might say that’s damning with faint praise, but considering how dire they looked for a while, I can’t pay them or Kyler Murray a higher compliment. If for no other reason than I don’t want to come across like those who are taking Jimmy G’s admittedly strong game (317 yds, 4 TDs) as “proof” he’s the QB Niner Nation thought he was two years ago, when they threw all the money at him, rather than the game manager he’s mostly been when healthy.² Credit where it’s due: Garappolo showed up on a night where the vaunted Niners D’ was basically “Nick Bosa & The Pips.”³
What promised to be a shootout between El Hombre Magnifico and the One-Eyed Wonder turned out to be yet another reason for the NFL to apologize to the UK.
Even with Deshaun Watson limited by his eye injury, he dropped short-to-medium passes all over the Jaguars D. His 201 yds and 2 TDs supplemented Carlos Hyde’s season-high 160 yard rushing.
Minshew and the Jags got bullied on both sides of the ball, giving up four turnovers on top of the above offense from the Texans. They basically got punched in the mouth nearly every time they tried to stand up to the bullies in blue.
And this will be all the excuse they need to start Nick Foles after the bye. And it won’t help.
Dwayne Haskins’ first start wasn’t going to remind anyone of RGIII (14/22 for 144), but it was also a far cry from the car crashes his previous appearances have been. Imagine that: Prep time and coaching results in improved performance.
Adrian Peterson continues to give Father Time the finger (18-108).
And that’s pretty much where the positives ended for the Deadskins.
If Andy Reid got fired tomorrow, he could spend another 20 years just being a QB coach.
Seriously: The man turned Mike Vick from a running back who threw, to an actual passer. Turned Alex Smith from a first round bust to a Pro Bowler. And now he’s turned Matt Moore from a has-been Dolphin reject into someone Miami looks like idiots for giving up on.
Maybe he should volunteer to work with Kirk “4-27 vs teams with winning records” Cousins.
I mention this to keep from being the umpteenth guy to focus on Tyreke Hill swagger-jacking Damien Johnson’s 91-yd TD run:
https://twitter.com/NFL/status/1191085777364504577?s=20
You had one job Dolphins. ONE.
And, of course, this makes Dallas’ loss to the J-E-T-S WOW YOU SUCK look even more egregious.
This also leaves the poor Bungles as our last hope for “0-16: The Threequel.”
Matt Nagy says he’s not worried about job security after another Capital-U-Ugly loss.
Probably because he knows he’s a dead man walking. His offense - what he was hired for - looked atrocious. Again. Mitch Trubisky looked lost and a step behind all game. Again. Things are not looking to turn around any time soon.
To quote Urinating Tree: “You’re fucked.”
Lost in the sauce of the continuing Chicago Fail: Jordan Howard had himself a nice little revenge game: 19 rushes for 82 yards with a TD against the team who let him walk in free agency without a fight. A move that looks particularly Not Good given the Bears utter lack of a rush attack this season.
The Colts probably have two more wins with a more consistent kicker.
That is all.
I discovered this week that Christan McCaffrey (who has my vote for MVP) isn’t the only Son of Ed in the football game. Older brother Max is an XFL 2.0 WR draftee out of Duke, having had cups of coffee with five different NFL teams between 2016 and 2018. Younger brother Dylan is a QB at Michigan. Youngest brother Luke is a freshman QB at Nebraska.
Who does Ed McCaffrey think he is? A Zendejas?
That was almost as freaky as finding out there’s a third Watt brother in the NFL.¹
So how many more times can Matt Stafford take putting up monster numbers in losing efforts before he follows his teammate, Calvin Johnson out the door?
And who leaves first, Stafford or Matt “Dudebro Belichick” Patricia?
It must be pretty damn frustrating to be a Bucs fan right now. Even when Rapey McCrablegs steps up and keeps the flood of turnovers to a trickle, they can’t seem to get over the hump against big time opposition. But they’re solid enough to not get blown out - half of their losses have been one score affairs. And their largest margin of defeat was 14 points (Week 1 vs. San Francisco). This year is a wash as far as any kind of playoffs, possibly even a winning record. But the second half of the season will be important: Tampa will have to decide whether or not Winston is worth extending, if he’s made the strides they’ve been looking for that says he’s the QB going forward.
Would probably help if the Bucs had ANY help in the running game:. The Bucs had 99 yards rushing as a team, which is right at their season’s average. They’ll need better than that to take the pressure off Winston and keep him from trying to play Heroball (read: forcing things and making with the turnovers)
And while my vote for MVP is squarely with Run CMC, there’ll be no argument from me if Mr. Ciara wins.
Did the Broncos break through because Brandon Allen provided a spark to the floundering offense... Or because the Browns are in full Browns mode?
Though that’s not fair: The Browns aren’t even looking like the Browns of recent vintage. They’re the early 2000s Raiders: Sloppy, undisciplined, and prone to absolutely baffling on-field choices (How the screaming yellow fuck does OBJ only have FOUR red zone targets on the season?). And full of psychos.
And it all starts with their rookie head coach, Dudebro Jim Tomsula. Hiring Freddie Kitchens as HC was clearly a mistake. Like Tomsula and Jim Zorn before, he was thrown into the captain’s chair with little experience to go on, found himself WAY over his head and floundered.
There’s nothing that says Kitchens can’t potentially put it together. But there’s also nothing saying he’ll do it in Cleveland. The only thing that could save him in my humble opinion, is if Jimmy Haslim doesn’t want the stigma of again having a quick trigger on an underperforming (to put it mildly) coach. The rub being that if that’s the case, that just makes two coaches in a row that deserved a quick hook that inexplicably didn’t get it.
Naturally, after changing offensive coordinators, it’s the Charger defense that wins the day
Shane Steichen's ball control scheme helped, but it was the defense holding Discount Double Check to his worst game in years (23 of 35 / 161 / 1 TD) and locking down Aaron Jones (30 yards rushing, 1 receiving) that was the real story.
But somehow this got overshadowed by The Athletic-fueled rumors of the Chargers being the team to realize the league’s pipe dream of a permanent London team. Whichever Spanos Brother Is Still Alive has refuted said rumor, but he really shouldn’t have to. A permanent London team would be a logistical nightmare. The league has a hard enough time dealing with the four UK games a year as is. Imagine pumping that up to eight? Not to mention there’s a reason every both teams get byes after each UK game. What are they going to do - give the London team eight - one for each road game they play?
Dear Leader and the rest of the NFL’s leadership needs to get over their collective hard-on for an international team. Or switch the focus to Mexico City if they REALLY must go international.
First of all, I want to know who the cinnamon toast fuck hs been out here talking about the Patriots defense as one of the all-time great Ds? Yeah, they’ve held every opponent (up to Sunday Night) under 14 points. But other than the Bills, they’ve also played a schedule full of patsies. The moment they hit a strong offense, we get this: Their first loss of the season.
New England just could not handle Baltimore’s ground attack. Mark Ingram went 15 for 115 and RB 8 added 61 and 2 scores. And with the defense unable to smother the opposition, it was on Dreamboat and the offense. And we just found out that that offense just isn’t that good. Newcomer Mohammad Sanu and Julien Edleman had 10 catches each, but for under 9 yards a catch. The running game was MIA - usually not a problem, as it’s just there to prop up Brady and the passing game. Obviously not this time.
Normally this would be the moment to declare the Pats run over. But we’ve seen that movie before. No matter how bad they look, you can’t count the Pats out until it’s January and they ain’t there. No matter how much we really really REALLY want to.
And with the loss, San Francisco is the last of the unbeaten teams. Mercury Morris readies his victory cigars.
Speaking as a Cowboys fan, that first quarter had me shook. How does a team look that bad coming off a bye? Dak throws a pick on the literal first play of the game? Another fumble before the first quarter is up? It looked like things could go bad and stay that way for Dallas. Then the Football Gods sent a four-footed miracle.
https://twitter.com/TheFakeESPN/status/1191542305859096576
The Giants kicked a field goal when the drive resumed. But Dallas seemed to use that break in the action to get it together. They scored a TD on their next drive, picked of Danny Dimes on the next drive and scored a field goal. The Giants never seriously threatened the Cowboys again.
The ‘Boys are 4-0 in the division. They’re 1-3 vs. everybody else. And we remind you that one win was Miami and one of those three losses was to the Jets. The Cowboys literally have the second half of the season to get things going strong. But I have NO confidence in Jason Garrett to do so. It’s that quandary that Cowboys Nation has been suffering with for years: Success means more Golden Boy. Failure means a wasted year and the prospect of a reset, likely with a new HC. But whatever happens, it’s gonna start this week, as Dallas hits a make-or-break stretch vs. the Vikings, Lions, Patriots and Bills. Then they finish the year with a stretch of division games.
And it just occurred to me that 9-7 might be enough to win this division. And get murdered in the Wild Card round.
Niners 28, Cardinals 25 (TNF)
I have to give credit to Kliff Kingsbury (SUPER GENIUS) and the young Football Redbirds. A month or so ago, I said they were boring - an evaluation I stand behind. Now, they’ve progressed to the level of “Still bad, but they’ll make you sweat to beat them.” Even with Kingsbury’s questionable time out calls.¹
You might say that’s damning with faint praise, but considering how dire they looked for a while, I can’t pay them or Kyler Murray a higher compliment. If for no other reason than I don’t want to come across like those who are taking Jimmy G’s admittedly strong game (317 yds, 4 TDs) as “proof” he’s the QB Niner Nation thought he was two years ago, when they threw all the money at him, rather than the game manager he’s mostly been when healthy.² Credit where it’s due: Garappolo showed up on a night where the vaunted Niners D’ was basically “Nick Bosa & The Pips.”³
He said he was trying to get a look at what the Niners were trying to run with his ill-timed time-out . All he ended up doing was turning a Cardinals goal line stand into a Niner touchdown.
Run-on sentence, away!
And Richard Sherman’s mouth.
Texans 26, Jaguars 3 (London)
What promised to be a shootout between El Hombre Magnifico and the One-Eyed Wonder turned out to be yet another reason for the NFL to apologize to the UK.
Even with Deshaun Watson limited by his eye injury, he dropped short-to-medium passes all over the Jaguars D. His 201 yds and 2 TDs supplemented Carlos Hyde’s season-high 160 yard rushing.
Minshew and the Jags got bullied on both sides of the ball, giving up four turnovers on top of the above offense from the Texans. They basically got punched in the mouth nearly every time they tried to stand up to the bullies in blue.
And this will be all the excuse they need to start Nick Foles after the bye. And it won’t help.
Fucksnyders 9, Bills 24
Dwayne Haskins’ first start wasn’t going to remind anyone of RGIII (14/22 for 144), but it was also a far cry from the car crashes his previous appearances have been. Imagine that: Prep time and coaching results in improved performance.
Adrian Peterson continues to give Father Time the finger (18-108).
And that’s pretty much where the positives ended for the Deadskins.
Vikings 23, Chiefs 26
If Andy Reid got fired tomorrow, he could spend another 20 years just being a QB coach.
Seriously: The man turned Mike Vick from a running back who threw, to an actual passer. Turned Alex Smith from a first round bust to a Pro Bowler. And now he’s turned Matt Moore from a has-been Dolphin reject into someone Miami looks like idiots for giving up on.
Maybe he should volunteer to work with Kirk “4-27 vs teams with winning records” Cousins.
I mention this to keep from being the umpteenth guy to focus on Tyreke Hill swagger-jacking Damien Johnson’s 91-yd TD run:
https://twitter.com/NFL/status/1191085777364504577?s=20
Jets 18, Tankfish 26
You had one job Dolphins. ONE.
And, of course, this makes Dallas’ loss to the J-E-T-S WOW YOU SUCK look even more egregious.
This also leaves the poor Bungles as our last hope for “0-16: The Threequel.”
Bears 14, Eagles 22
Matt Nagy says he’s not worried about job security after another Capital-U-Ugly loss.
Probably because he knows he’s a dead man walking. His offense - what he was hired for - looked atrocious. Again. Mitch Trubisky looked lost and a step behind all game. Again. Things are not looking to turn around any time soon.
To quote Urinating Tree: “You’re fucked.”
Lost in the sauce of the continuing Chicago Fail: Jordan Howard had himself a nice little revenge game: 19 rushes for 82 yards with a TD against the team who let him walk in free agency without a fight. A move that looks particularly Not Good given the Bears utter lack of a rush attack this season.
Colts 24, Steelers 26
The Colts probably have two more wins with a more consistent kicker.
That is all.
Titans 20, Panthers 30
I discovered this week that Christan McCaffrey (who has my vote for MVP) isn’t the only Son of Ed in the football game. Older brother Max is an XFL 2.0 WR draftee out of Duke, having had cups of coffee with five different NFL teams between 2016 and 2018. Younger brother Dylan is a QB at Michigan. Youngest brother Luke is a freshman QB at Nebraska.
Who does Ed McCaffrey think he is? A Zendejas?
That was almost as freaky as finding out there’s a third Watt brother in the NFL.¹
Though I guess he’s the second, technically.
Lions 24, Raiders 31
So how many more times can Matt Stafford take putting up monster numbers in losing efforts before he follows his teammate, Calvin Johnson out the door?
And who leaves first, Stafford or Matt “Dudebro Belichick” Patricia?
Bucs 34, Seahawks 40 (OT)
It must be pretty damn frustrating to be a Bucs fan right now. Even when Rapey McCrablegs steps up and keeps the flood of turnovers to a trickle, they can’t seem to get over the hump against big time opposition. But they’re solid enough to not get blown out - half of their losses have been one score affairs. And their largest margin of defeat was 14 points (Week 1 vs. San Francisco). This year is a wash as far as any kind of playoffs, possibly even a winning record. But the second half of the season will be important: Tampa will have to decide whether or not Winston is worth extending, if he’s made the strides they’ve been looking for that says he’s the QB going forward.
Would probably help if the Bucs had ANY help in the running game:. The Bucs had 99 yards rushing as a team, which is right at their season’s average. They’ll need better than that to take the pressure off Winston and keep him from trying to play Heroball (read: forcing things and making with the turnovers)
And while my vote for MVP is squarely with Run CMC, there’ll be no argument from me if Mr. Ciara wins.
Browns 19, Broncos 24
Did the Broncos break through because Brandon Allen provided a spark to the floundering offense... Or because the Browns are in full Browns mode?
Though that’s not fair: The Browns aren’t even looking like the Browns of recent vintage. They’re the early 2000s Raiders: Sloppy, undisciplined, and prone to absolutely baffling on-field choices (How the screaming yellow fuck does OBJ only have FOUR red zone targets on the season?). And full of psychos.
And it all starts with their rookie head coach, Dudebro Jim Tomsula. Hiring Freddie Kitchens as HC was clearly a mistake. Like Tomsula and Jim Zorn before, he was thrown into the captain’s chair with little experience to go on, found himself WAY over his head and floundered.
There’s nothing that says Kitchens can’t potentially put it together. But there’s also nothing saying he’ll do it in Cleveland. The only thing that could save him in my humble opinion, is if Jimmy Haslim doesn’t want the stigma of again having a quick trigger on an underperforming (to put it mildly) coach. The rub being that if that’s the case, that just makes two coaches in a row that deserved a quick hook that inexplicably didn’t get it.
Packers 11, Chargers 26
Naturally, after changing offensive coordinators, it’s the Charger defense that wins the day
Shane Steichen's ball control scheme helped, but it was the defense holding Discount Double Check to his worst game in years (23 of 35 / 161 / 1 TD) and locking down Aaron Jones (30 yards rushing, 1 receiving) that was the real story.
But somehow this got overshadowed by The Athletic-fueled rumors of the Chargers being the team to realize the league’s pipe dream of a permanent London team. Whichever Spanos Brother Is Still Alive has refuted said rumor, but he really shouldn’t have to. A permanent London team would be a logistical nightmare. The league has a hard enough time dealing with the four UK games a year as is. Imagine pumping that up to eight? Not to mention there’s a reason every both teams get byes after each UK game. What are they going to do - give the London team eight - one for each road game they play?
Dear Leader and the rest of the NFL’s leadership needs to get over their collective hard-on for an international team. Or switch the focus to Mexico City if they REALLY must go international.
Patriots 20, Ravens 37 (SNF)
First of all, I want to know who the cinnamon toast fuck hs been out here talking about the Patriots defense as one of the all-time great Ds? Yeah, they’ve held every opponent (up to Sunday Night) under 14 points. But other than the Bills, they’ve also played a schedule full of patsies. The moment they hit a strong offense, we get this: Their first loss of the season.
New England just could not handle Baltimore’s ground attack. Mark Ingram went 15 for 115 and RB 8 added 61 and 2 scores. And with the defense unable to smother the opposition, it was on Dreamboat and the offense. And we just found out that that offense just isn’t that good. Newcomer Mohammad Sanu and Julien Edleman had 10 catches each, but for under 9 yards a catch. The running game was MIA - usually not a problem, as it’s just there to prop up Brady and the passing game. Obviously not this time.
Normally this would be the moment to declare the Pats run over. But we’ve seen that movie before. No matter how bad they look, you can’t count the Pats out until it’s January and they ain’t there. No matter how much we really really REALLY want to.
And with the loss, San Francisco is the last of the unbeaten teams. Mercury Morris readies his victory cigars.
Black Cats 37, Giants 18 (MNF)
Speaking as a Cowboys fan, that first quarter had me shook. How does a team look that bad coming off a bye? Dak throws a pick on the literal first play of the game? Another fumble before the first quarter is up? It looked like things could go bad and stay that way for Dallas. Then the Football Gods sent a four-footed miracle.
https://twitter.com/TheFakeESPN/status/1191542305859096576
The Giants kicked a field goal when the drive resumed. But Dallas seemed to use that break in the action to get it together. They scored a TD on their next drive, picked of Danny Dimes on the next drive and scored a field goal. The Giants never seriously threatened the Cowboys again.
The ‘Boys are 4-0 in the division. They’re 1-3 vs. everybody else. And we remind you that one win was Miami and one of those three losses was to the Jets. The Cowboys literally have the second half of the season to get things going strong. But I have NO confidence in Jason Garrett to do so. It’s that quandary that Cowboys Nation has been suffering with for years: Success means more Golden Boy. Failure means a wasted year and the prospect of a reset, likely with a new HC. But whatever happens, it’s gonna start this week, as Dallas hits a make-or-break stretch vs. the Vikings, Lions, Patriots and Bills. Then they finish the year with a stretch of division games.
And it just occurred to me that 9-7 might be enough to win this division. And get murdered in the Wild Card round.
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