#NFL Week in Review – Week 12 (2019)
Welcome to the Week in Review. RIP, Rosie.
I know I’m supposed to feel some sort of way about this game other than *shrug*, but I just can’t. The Colts elected to play keep away with Deshawn Watson and the Houston offense, grinding it out with the run game. And I’m not sure how much of that was due to the fact that their only downfield threat - TY Hilton - is still at half-speed, and their only other reliable receivers - Eric Ebron and Jack Doyle - are tight ends who will remind no one of Travis Kelce or George Kittle.
And yet, the Texans could never generate a lead bigger than three points. Yeah, it’s all they needed but that doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.
And just when you think you can talk about the Falcons with some respect in your voice, they get kneecapped by the goddamned Buccaneers. It’s like they spent the previous two weeks getting our expectations up, only to run into a team we expected them to boat race and went “LOL JK WE STILL SUCK LOL”
Even with Rapey McCrablegs doing McCrableg things (two more turnovers, hot and fresh), they still trailed for most of the game .
But hey - Big Guy Touchdown!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-a6yabJWGa0
I could struggle to come up with something interesting about this game that doesn’t involve the Broncos’ ongoing QB futility or Josh Allen’s ongoing quest to be White Mike Vick. Or I could simply direct you to Brandon Perna and the That’s Good Sports YouTube channel. You don’t know “Long Suffering Broncos Fan” until you’ve seen Perna break down the latest Denver disaster.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNK1I9OH78w
Here’s how insane this season has been: The Giants still have Philly, Miami and Washington on the schedule and this STILL might have been their last, best shot at a win.
And say what you will about Cade McNown 2.0, his toughness cannot be doubted, gutting out that injured hip. Though how much of that is toughness is genuine grit and how much is Mitchy stepping up and how much is his knowing that every trip to the bench might be his last as a bear.
On the plus side, He remembered he has receivers other than Allen Robinson.
And if I may digress a bit: Daniel Jones could prove to be the reincarnation of Fran Tarkenton and I’d still say “YES, he was drafted too high.” The only team looking for a QB between the Giants at #6 and their second pick at 17 was Washington. And everyone knew their sights were set on Ohio State’s Dwayne Haskins. And they also thought the Giants were going to snap him up at 6. The Giants claimed there were at least two teams ready to jump in and trade up for Jones if the Giants did the expected things and either drafted Haskins or a defensive lineman. No one has a clue who those teams were.
The Giants could’ve claimed Jones at 17 (where many still thought was a reach) and grabbed someone like (the black) Josh Allen or Ed Oliver. Instead they drafted Clemson’s Dexter Lawrence at 17. Who has been invisible in 8 of the Giants’ 11
And speaking of QBs who may have played their last snap: Barring injury to Duck Hodges, Mason Rudolph should never play another game for the Steelers again.
Dude, you got benched for sucking that hard against the Bengals. TO THE SHAME CORNER!
(Five more games, Bengals! You can do it!)
What hangs more precariously in the balance: The Browns’ season or Dudebro Jim Tomsula’s job? Whatever the answer, Cleveland notched their second impressive win in a row in service of salvaging both. And no one committed aggravated assault this time!
The Browns feasted on Miami mistakes: Scoring two touchdowns on drives extended by bad, BAD Dolphins penalties and a third after an ill-advised (and worse executed) fake punt in their own territory. Must feel pretty good to be on the other side
OBJ and Jarvis Landry had TD catches in the same game for the first time as Browns. Dare I say that, with their backs against the wall, the young Browns have finally come together? I could, but if I did, Cleveland would find a way to make me look stupid for it.
The Saints. Should NOT. Have to lean on three missed Panther kicks (2 XPs and a FG) to steal a win.
But a win’s a win, I suppose.
And Michael Thomas continues to be the most slept-on receiver in the league. Maybe in a generation.
[Wordlessly places Oak Vegas into the “Not Ready For Prime Time” folder]
And yes, I am selling the Jets short. They’re the goddamned Jets.
So apparently, all the Redhawks need to be competitive is for Dwayne Haskins to not actively suck.
I suppose it helps when his opposition is one of the few QBs in the NFL worse than him.
I’m not sure what the takeaway should be here: That Seattle won despite playing like crap or that Seattle played like crap and Philly still couldn’t take advantage?
Or maybe it’s “The Eagles’ passing game is ass right now. Is the cause Carson Wentz or his lack of reliable downfield targets at receiver?”
Or maybe “Rashaad Penny? I forgot about that guy!”
So who feels worse in this scenario: Marcus Mariota or whoever ultimately made the call to start Nick Foles?
It’s hard to say who cost the Cowboys more dearly: The refs or Jason Garrett’s decision making?
Seriously, getting taken down by the AFC’s #1 team¹ shouldn’t cause that much controversy. But when so many chances go by the wayside thanks to Golden Boy brand Conservative Play Calling and by the Refs giving the Patriots reach arounds, that’s gonna raise some hackles.
But I do know, if nothing else happens, Rich Bisaccia, Dallas’ special teams coach, needs to be fired yesterday. The fact that he wasn’t screaming at Tony Pollard to come out of the end zone, when everyone in the stadium and at home watching knew that kickoff was going to land at least five yards short of the goal line is a fireable offense in and of itself.
But this game was frustrating enough that Jerry Jones spoke up, with the harshest words he’s had for Golden Boy... Ever, really.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3Kwztz5lMQ
Jerruh’s words were such that they instantly spawned rumors that Garrett was gone as soon as Friday, to be replaced with Kris Richard, Rod Marinelli’s heir apparent. Also floating around is the idea that the Giants would likely snap Garrett up for their HC, should he and Jerruh part ways.
To the latter, Cowboys fans are basically responding with “Who else would you like to go with him?” Getting rid of Clappy The Clown AND foisting him on a division rival? Yes, please!
But, again, barring an unlikely deep playoff run, Garrett’s out come January. January can’t come soon enough.
If I told you Aaron Rodgers went 20 for 33 against San Fran, what would you figure his yardage as? 250? 300? Give or take either way?
Try 104. Explains the score, doesn’t it?
The Pack got dominated in every way possible, short of breaking out the gimp suits and dog collars. Jimmy G threw for 253 and 2 TDs, including a 61-yarder to George “How the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks is the Niners best receiving threat THAT wide open” Kittle Kittle finished with 129 on 6 catches. The defense turned Discount Double Check every which way but loose, sacking him five times and leaving him with a QBR of 8.5.
If the Niners aren’t the best team in the NFC, I’d like to see who anyone would put above them.
So basically, Jackson watched Packers/Niners and said “Hold my beer.”
RB #8 threw for five TDs and added 95 yards rushing to Mark Ingram’s 111 and a score. YOu don’t see one-man demolitions like this outside of college or Madden. Not that the defense let Jackson and the offense have all the fun, picking Jared Goff off twice and completely eliminating Todd Gurley and the Rams’ ground game (9-22 as a team).
The Ravens basically beat any idea of the playoffs out to the Rams’ collective heads.
Collective heads which are scratching at the Rams’ collective fall from grace. After an offseason of teams hiring McVay-alikes and wondering how teams would cope with the Rams with a year’s more experience and a healthy Todd Gurley (plus Malcom Brown and rookie Darrell Henderson to keep spell Gurley and keep him fresh for the stretch run). Apparently the answer is “Stand back and watch them trip over their own feet.” To me, it looks simple: McVay and the coaching staff don’t trust Gurley’s health. Without that trust, they shy away from the play action passing that was so devastating for most of 2018. Without that play action to free things up, Robert Woods and Cooper Kupp take turns being “The Only Rams WR That Showed Up.” (This week it was Woods). Without that passing game, the defense, which relied on being up big and being able just pin their ears back and go kill the QB, is getting stood up and pushed around.
These are things a so-called genius coach should be able to account for. Sean McVay hasn’t. Maybe after this offseason, he’ll come back stronger and wiser. But right now? He looks like a one-trick pony who’s been figured out.
Colts 17, Texans 20 (TNF)
I know I’m supposed to feel some sort of way about this game other than *shrug*, but I just can’t. The Colts elected to play keep away with Deshawn Watson and the Houston offense, grinding it out with the run game. And I’m not sure how much of that was due to the fact that their only downfield threat - TY Hilton - is still at half-speed, and their only other reliable receivers - Eric Ebron and Jack Doyle - are tight ends who will remind no one of Travis Kelce or George Kittle.
And yet, the Texans could never generate a lead bigger than three points. Yeah, it’s all they needed but that doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.
Bucs 35, Falcons 22
And just when you think you can talk about the Falcons with some respect in your voice, they get kneecapped by the goddamned Buccaneers. It’s like they spent the previous two weeks getting our expectations up, only to run into a team we expected them to boat race and went “LOL JK WE STILL SUCK LOL”
Even with Rapey McCrablegs doing McCrableg things (two more turnovers, hot and fresh), they still trailed for most of the game .
But hey - Big Guy Touchdown!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-a6yabJWGa0
Broncos 3, Bills 20
I could struggle to come up with something interesting about this game that doesn’t involve the Broncos’ ongoing QB futility or Josh Allen’s ongoing quest to be White Mike Vick. Or I could simply direct you to Brandon Perna and the That’s Good Sports YouTube channel. You don’t know “Long Suffering Broncos Fan” until you’ve seen Perna break down the latest Denver disaster.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNK1I9OH78w
Giants 14, Bears 19
Here’s how insane this season has been: The Giants still have Philly, Miami and Washington on the schedule and this STILL might have been their last, best shot at a win.
And say what you will about Cade McNown 2.0, his toughness cannot be doubted, gutting out that injured hip. Though how much of that is toughness is genuine grit and how much is Mitchy stepping up and how much is his knowing that every trip to the bench might be his last as a bear.
On the plus side, He remembered he has receivers other than Allen Robinson.
And if I may digress a bit: Daniel Jones could prove to be the reincarnation of Fran Tarkenton and I’d still say “YES, he was drafted too high.” The only team looking for a QB between the Giants at #6 and their second pick at 17 was Washington. And everyone knew their sights were set on Ohio State’s Dwayne Haskins. And they also thought the Giants were going to snap him up at 6. The Giants claimed there were at least two teams ready to jump in and trade up for Jones if the Giants did the expected things and either drafted Haskins or a defensive lineman. No one has a clue who those teams were.
The Giants could’ve claimed Jones at 17 (where many still thought was a reach) and grabbed someone like (the black) Josh Allen or Ed Oliver. Instead they drafted Clemson’s Dexter Lawrence at 17. Who has been invisible in 8 of the Giants’ 11
Steelers 16, Bengals 10
And speaking of QBs who may have played their last snap: Barring injury to Duck Hodges, Mason Rudolph should never play another game for the Steelers again.
Dude, you got benched for sucking that hard against the Bengals. TO THE SHAME CORNER!
(Five more games, Bengals! You can do it!)
Dolphins 24, Browns 41
What hangs more precariously in the balance: The Browns’ season or Dudebro Jim Tomsula’s job? Whatever the answer, Cleveland notched their second impressive win in a row in service of salvaging both. And no one committed aggravated assault this time!
The Browns feasted on Miami mistakes: Scoring two touchdowns on drives extended by bad, BAD Dolphins penalties and a third after an ill-advised (and worse executed) fake punt in their own territory. Must feel pretty good to be on the other side
OBJ and Jarvis Landry had TD catches in the same game for the first time as Browns. Dare I say that, with their backs against the wall, the young Browns have finally come together? I could, but if I did, Cleveland would find a way to make me look stupid for it.
Panthers 31, Saints 34
The Saints. Should NOT. Have to lean on three missed Panther kicks (2 XPs and a FG) to steal a win.
But a win’s a win, I suppose.
And Michael Thomas continues to be the most slept-on receiver in the league. Maybe in a generation.
Raiders 3, Jets 34
[Wordlessly places Oak Vegas into the “Not Ready For Prime Time” folder]
And yes, I am selling the Jets short. They’re the goddamned Jets.
Lions 16, Fucksnyders 19
So apparently, all the Redhawks need to be competitive is for Dwayne Haskins to not actively suck.
I suppose it helps when his opposition is one of the few QBs in the NFL worse than him.
Seahawks 17, Eagles 9
I’m not sure what the takeaway should be here: That Seattle won despite playing like crap or that Seattle played like crap and Philly still couldn’t take advantage?
Or maybe it’s “The Eagles’ passing game is ass right now. Is the cause Carson Wentz or his lack of reliable downfield targets at receiver?”
Or maybe “Rashaad Penny? I forgot about that guy!”
Jaguars 20, Titans 42
So who feels worse in this scenario: Marcus Mariota or whoever ultimately made the call to start Nick Foles?
Cowboys 9, Patriots 13
It’s hard to say who cost the Cowboys more dearly: The refs or Jason Garrett’s decision making?
Seriously, getting taken down by the AFC’s #1 team¹ shouldn’t cause that much controversy. But when so many chances go by the wayside thanks to Golden Boy brand Conservative Play Calling and by the Refs giving the Patriots reach arounds, that’s gonna raise some hackles.
But I do know, if nothing else happens, Rich Bisaccia, Dallas’ special teams coach, needs to be fired yesterday. The fact that he wasn’t screaming at Tony Pollard to come out of the end zone, when everyone in the stadium and at home watching knew that kickoff was going to land at least five yards short of the goal line is a fireable offense in and of itself.
But this game was frustrating enough that Jerry Jones spoke up, with the harshest words he’s had for Golden Boy... Ever, really.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3Kwztz5lMQ
Jerruh’s words were such that they instantly spawned rumors that Garrett was gone as soon as Friday, to be replaced with Kris Richard, Rod Marinelli’s heir apparent. Also floating around is the idea that the Giants would likely snap Garrett up for their HC, should he and Jerruh part ways.
To the latter, Cowboys fans are basically responding with “Who else would you like to go with him?” Getting rid of Clappy The Clown AND foisting him on a division rival? Yes, please!
But, again, barring an unlikely deep playoff run, Garrett’s out come January. January can’t come soon enough.
Which is not the same as “the best team”. Calm down, Ravens Fan.
Packers 8, Niners 37 (SNF)
If I told you Aaron Rodgers went 20 for 33 against San Fran, what would you figure his yardage as? 250? 300? Give or take either way?
Try 104. Explains the score, doesn’t it?
The Pack got dominated in every way possible, short of breaking out the gimp suits and dog collars. Jimmy G threw for 253 and 2 TDs, including a 61-yarder to George “How the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks is the Niners best receiving threat THAT wide open” Kittle Kittle finished with 129 on 6 catches. The defense turned Discount Double Check every which way but loose, sacking him five times and leaving him with a QBR of 8.5.
If the Niners aren’t the best team in the NFC, I’d like to see who anyone would put above them.
Lamar Jackson 45, Rams 6 (MNF)
So basically, Jackson watched Packers/Niners and said “Hold my beer.”
RB #8 threw for five TDs and added 95 yards rushing to Mark Ingram’s 111 and a score. YOu don’t see one-man demolitions like this outside of college or Madden. Not that the defense let Jackson and the offense have all the fun, picking Jared Goff off twice and completely eliminating Todd Gurley and the Rams’ ground game (9-22 as a team).
The Ravens basically beat any idea of the playoffs out to the Rams’ collective heads.
Collective heads which are scratching at the Rams’ collective fall from grace. After an offseason of teams hiring McVay-alikes and wondering how teams would cope with the Rams with a year’s more experience and a healthy Todd Gurley (plus Malcom Brown and rookie Darrell Henderson to keep spell Gurley and keep him fresh for the stretch run). Apparently the answer is “Stand back and watch them trip over their own feet.” To me, it looks simple: McVay and the coaching staff don’t trust Gurley’s health. Without that trust, they shy away from the play action passing that was so devastating for most of 2018. Without that play action to free things up, Robert Woods and Cooper Kupp take turns being “The Only Rams WR That Showed Up.” (This week it was Woods). Without that passing game, the defense, which relied on being up big and being able just pin their ears back and go kill the QB, is getting stood up and pushed around.
These are things a so-called genius coach should be able to account for. Sean McVay hasn’t. Maybe after this offseason, he’ll come back stronger and wiser. But right now? He looks like a one-trick pony who’s been figured out.
Comments
Post a Comment