NFL Week in Review – Week 5 (2019)
Welcome to the Week in Review. Where life finds a way (to make things late).
The narrative for the Rams so far this season (Hell, since the 2018 playoffs, really) has been twofold:
And yet, with all that in play, L.A. was still in control until the last five minutes of the game became NFL Botchamania. Seattle goes ahead on a Wilson-to-Carson pass, but fails the two-point try to stay up by one. They get what should’ve been a game-sealing INT with 2:08 to go. But they go an inexcusably-quick three-and-out to give the Rams the ball with about 90 seconds and just needing a FG to win.
A 43-yard FG that Greg Zurlein missed wide right.
The questions, they will continue.
It’s come to this for the Fucksnyders: Colt McCoy¹ starting. On purpose.
To the surprise of no one, it didn’t help: McCoy was 18/27 for 119 and a pick. The only Washington score came on an end-around from rookie WR Steven Sims. Which was pretty sweet, to be fair.
Also to the surprise of no one: The Racial Slurs’ 0-5 start was the last straw for Sack-Of-Rats-In-A-Human-Suit Dan Snyder, who called Gruden The Younger into the office at 5AM to fire him. It would not surprise me at all if Weasel McShitforbrains wanted Gruden out of the paint before he could pick up a cheap win vs. Miami.
...Goddammit, the Patriots are going to the Super Bowl again, aren’t they?
This matchup of young, thrown-to-the-wolves QBs rising to the challenge went to Kyle Allen and Carolina. Time-displaced Marlboro Man Gardner Minshew had the far better stats (374 yds, 2 TDs) but Allen (181, 1 TD) got the win.
Probably helped that he had Run CMC’s career day on his side (19-176 and 2 TDs rushing, 6-91 and a score receiving) In the loss, Leonard Fournette continues his career rebound (23-108, 1 TD). Where-Was-This-Guy-Last-Year¹ receiver DJ Chark chipped in with 8 catches for 164 yards and 2 scores.
A question no one was really asking (outside of their respective fanbases) was answered definitively: Between the two teams, the Bungles were clearly worse than the Cardinals, who got their first win of the season in Cincy.
Paul Brown’s Folly played into every weakness the Cards had coming in and refused to exploit any of them: Giving up a last-second drive to the up-and-down #1 pick, Kyler Murray. Sacking Murray just once, when he came in with a league-leading 20 sacks. Letting Murray, David Johsnon and Chase Edmons rush for a combined 252 yards. (They’d come in with 368 as a team).
This is like when we found out how much of a shitheel Donald Sterling was and we realized how bad Elgin Baylor had it all those years. Do we owe Marvin Lewis an apology?
Okay, Atlanta. You’ve decided you suck. Cool, cool.
Teddy Ballgame is 3-0 filling in for Breesus and seems to be getting better as he goes along. Following up last week’s big win vs. Dallas, he threw for 314 and 4 TDs in the victory. Alvin Kamara, while still not putting up the video game numbers many anticipated without having Mark Ingram round, was solid, adding 64 yards on the ground and 42 through the air.
Rapey McCrablegs, while not putting up last week's eye-popping numbers, was solid again (15/27, 204, 2 TDs, no turnovers). Maybe Bruce Ariens was what the doctor ordered?
Bridgewater’s old team, the Vikings, overcame this week’s mini-mutiny and Stefon Diggs’ “Yes, I Did/No, I Didn’t” trade demands, getting a needed win over the “Better isn’t the same as ‘good’” Giants. The vikes sacked wunderkind Daniel Jones four times and picked him off once, limiting him to 182 yards and a TD.
Kirk Cousins and Adam Theilen rebounded from last week’s beef-inducing disaster: Cousins had 306 yards and 2 TDs. Both scores went to Theilen, who had seven catches for 130 yards on the day.
Saquon Barkley can’t get back soon enough.
This was the most anticipated game of the week. For all the wrong reasons. This was the “Khalil Mack Revenge Game.” This was where Chucky’s chickens would come home to roost. This is where Mack would do Khalil Mack things and completely wreck the Raiders’ shit.
This is why they play the games.
The Raider game plan seemed to be “Don’t let Mack do shit.” They threw double and triple-teams at him at every snap. Held him to three tackles on the day. You’d think this would be a prime opportunity for Roquan Smith or Danny Travathan to step in and wreak havoc with the single coverage. Nope. They racked up the tackles (20 between them). But as a whole? Zero sacks, one QB hit.
Josh Jacobs - one of the players drafted with the bounty they got for Mack - ran for 123 and 2 scores. Derek Carr continues to give Oak Vegas the kind of perfectly adequate QB play that’s probably giving Chucky Brad Johnson flashbacks.
And yet, with all that, if the Bears had a starter level QB, they probably win this game. Or if the ground game wasn’t MIA (again).
Or if they hadn’t made it to London Friday afternoon. The Raiders did the same thing last year and were tired, sluggish easy pickings for Seattle. They learned from the experience and showed up in London straight from Indianapolis. Perhaps Da Bears should’ve learned from their mistake?
They gave Luke Falk one day of practice with the starters. They were counting so heavily on Sam Darnold being cleared for action that they didn’t give his back up and PT with the #1s until the last moment.
Are we SURE the Dolphins are the only ones tanking in the AFC East?
Okay, Ravens Nation. It’s time to be worried.
Yes, you won. But you went to overtime vs. the Steelers’ #3 QB¹. And teams seem to have figured out how to stop your passing attack, forcing Lamar Jackson to go back his fate-tempting run-heavy ways (14-70). And you were gifted the ball in OT, thanks to Coach Omar Epps’ WTF decision to defer after winning the coin flip.
This might be enough to take the AFC North. But if you want to be more than One-And-Embarrassingly-Done, you’re gonna need to step things up going forward.
The Steelers are 1-4 for the second time in the last thirty seasons. The only time they’ve made the playoffs after such a start was 1976 (They lost to Oakland in the AFC Championship). Unless Devlin “Duck” Hodges is secretly Kurt Warner’s clone, don’t expect such a turnaround in 2019.
You miss four field goals in the same game, you get cut. That’s the way it works.
Melvin Gordon saw his first action of 2019 (38 total scrimmage yards).
L.A. lost, at home, to the previously winless Broncos.
Coincidence? Yeah, probably.
And Discount Double Check does it to the Cowboys again.
He had help, granted, both from Dallas’ first half offensive impotence and the defense fading back into the ether after showing up for New Orleans. Dak and the offense turned it on late, but it was too little, too late.
Now, far be it for me to jump on the “Garrett Must Go” bandwagon¹. But give Golden Boy’s proven track record of getting bested by superior coaching, no matter the talent advantage, you can probably pencil in a loss to Darth Hoodie and a split with the Iggles. As I’ve been saying since Garrett survived 2018, it’s gonna come down to the playoffs. Wild Card Weekend ain’t gonna cut it this time. Or at least it shouldn’t, given Jerruh’s statements over the last couple of years.
Jerruh has said that Garret’s job is not in trouble. Let’s see if that stands if they mess around and drop a game to the Jets...
It is a sign of how bonkers Patrick Mahomes’ numbers have been that 321 yards and a TD is considered getting “shut down.”
Marlon Mack and the Colts’ defense laid down a signature win in Kansas City, holding the Greatest Show On Turf West to 324 yards, including 36 rushing. Mack had 132 yards on 29 carries to front a ball control attack that held the ball for 12 more minutes than the Chiefs.
The eleven penalties for 125 yards did not help the KC cause.
Was this the Colts stepping up or just a bad day for the Chefs? Could be both. But since the NFL doesn’t have style points, it doesn’t matter either way.
Fun Fact: Patrick Mahomes is the 5th player in NFL history with more than 300 yards passing in each of his first 5 games of the season. Two of the other four are in the Hall of Fame (Kurt Warner, Steve Young). A third will be in as soon as he’s eligible (Peyton Manning). The fourth: Matt Ryan, AKA “Matt Stafford with playoff wins.¹”
Another Monday Night, another ugly blowout.
The Niners used 275 rushing yards, highlighted by Matt Breida’s 83-yard TD run on the Niners’ first play from scrimmage, and a pass rush (sparked by a finally healthy Nick Bosa) that harassed Sober Johnny Manziel into his worst game as a pro (8/22 for 100 yds, 2 INTs). They played like they all took a sip of whatever lets Richard Sherman put his all into absolutely hating his opponents (Especially when they don’t shake his hand¹).
If I’m the Browns, this is one of those games where I just have to admit I got mollywhopped and regroup for the next week.
And somehow, San Francisco is the last of the undefeated teams in the NFC and join the Pats as the league’s only unbeatens. Maybe Younger Shanahanigans and John Lynch have finally put their master plan into full effect? Or maybe the season is still young and they’ve still got time and space to crater? I know I’m better on the latter over the former.
Rams 29, Seahawks 30
The narrative for the Rams so far this season (Hell, since the 2018 playoffs, really) has been twofold:
- Have teams figured out Sean McVey’s offensive “genius?” Ever since getting shut down by the Bears in Week 14 of last year, teams have followed a similar pattern of attack: Shift defensive looks at the last second, so Jared Goff can’t receive instructions from the coaching booth. And play a four-deep zone, with the strong safety playing in-between what would normally be the second and third level, to disrupt the play action passing that fuels the Rams’ attack.
- What’s up with Todd Gurley and the run game in general? Gurley having only 15 carries isn’t notable in and of itself, given his still tenuous injury situation. But when his backup, Malcolm Brown, only has one? And heralded rookie Darrell Henderson hasn’t seen more than special teams duty since Week 2? Questions will be asked.
And yet, with all that in play, L.A. was still in control until the last five minutes of the game became NFL Botchamania. Seattle goes ahead on a Wilson-to-Carson pass, but fails the two-point try to stay up by one. They get what should’ve been a game-sealing INT with 2:08 to go. But they go an inexcusably-quick three-and-out to give the Rams the ball with about 90 seconds and just needing a FG to win.
A 43-yard FG that Greg Zurlein missed wide right.
The questions, they will continue.
Patriots 33, Deadskins 7
It’s come to this for the Fucksnyders: Colt McCoy¹ starting. On purpose.
To the surprise of no one, it didn’t help: McCoy was 18/27 for 119 and a pick. The only Washington score came on an end-around from rookie WR Steven Sims. Which was pretty sweet, to be fair.
Also to the surprise of no one: The Racial Slurs’ 0-5 start was the last straw for Sack-Of-Rats-In-A-Human-Suit Dan Snyder, who called Gruden The Younger into the office at 5AM to fire him. It would not surprise me at all if Weasel McShitforbrains wanted Gruden out of the paint before he could pick up a cheap win vs. Miami.
...Goddammit, the Patriots are going to the Super Bowl again, aren’t they?
It is amazing, when you think about it, how many castoff Browns QB stayed in the league long after their time in NFL Hell.
Jaguars 27, Panthers 34
This matchup of young, thrown-to-the-wolves QBs rising to the challenge went to Kyle Allen and Carolina. Time-displaced Marlboro Man Gardner Minshew had the far better stats (374 yds, 2 TDs) but Allen (181, 1 TD) got the win.
Probably helped that he had Run CMC’s career day on his side (19-176 and 2 TDs rushing, 6-91 and a score receiving) In the loss, Leonard Fournette continues his career rebound (23-108, 1 TD). Where-Was-This-Guy-Last-Year¹ receiver DJ Chark chipped in with 8 catches for 164 yards and 2 scores.
The answer appears to be “Suffering under the weight of Blake Bortles and Nathaniel Hackett”.
Cardinals 26, Bengals 23
A question no one was really asking (outside of their respective fanbases) was answered definitively: Between the two teams, the Bungles were clearly worse than the Cardinals, who got their first win of the season in Cincy.
Paul Brown’s Folly played into every weakness the Cards had coming in and refused to exploit any of them: Giving up a last-second drive to the up-and-down #1 pick, Kyler Murray. Sacking Murray just once, when he came in with a league-leading 20 sacks. Letting Murray, David Johsnon and Chase Edmons rush for a combined 252 yards. (They’d come in with 368 as a team).
This is like when we found out how much of a shitheel Donald Sterling was and we realized how bad Elgin Baylor had it all those years. Do we owe Marvin Lewis an apology?
Falcons 32, Texans 53
Okay, Atlanta. You’ve decided you suck. Cool, cool.
Bucs 24, Saints 31
Teddy Ballgame is 3-0 filling in for Breesus and seems to be getting better as he goes along. Following up last week’s big win vs. Dallas, he threw for 314 and 4 TDs in the victory. Alvin Kamara, while still not putting up the video game numbers many anticipated without having Mark Ingram round, was solid, adding 64 yards on the ground and 42 through the air.
Rapey McCrablegs, while not putting up last week's eye-popping numbers, was solid again (15/27, 204, 2 TDs, no turnovers). Maybe Bruce Ariens was what the doctor ordered?
Vikings 28, Giants 10
Bridgewater’s old team, the Vikings, overcame this week’s mini-mutiny and Stefon Diggs’ “Yes, I Did/No, I Didn’t” trade demands, getting a needed win over the “Better isn’t the same as ‘good’” Giants. The vikes sacked wunderkind Daniel Jones four times and picked him off once, limiting him to 182 yards and a TD.
Kirk Cousins and Adam Theilen rebounded from last week’s beef-inducing disaster: Cousins had 306 yards and 2 TDs. Both scores went to Theilen, who had seven catches for 130 yards on the day.
Saquon Barkley can’t get back soon enough.
Bears 21, Raiders 24 (London)
This was the most anticipated game of the week. For all the wrong reasons. This was the “Khalil Mack Revenge Game.” This was where Chucky’s chickens would come home to roost. This is where Mack would do Khalil Mack things and completely wreck the Raiders’ shit.
This is why they play the games.
The Raider game plan seemed to be “Don’t let Mack do shit.” They threw double and triple-teams at him at every snap. Held him to three tackles on the day. You’d think this would be a prime opportunity for Roquan Smith or Danny Travathan to step in and wreak havoc with the single coverage. Nope. They racked up the tackles (20 between them). But as a whole? Zero sacks, one QB hit.
Josh Jacobs - one of the players drafted with the bounty they got for Mack - ran for 123 and 2 scores. Derek Carr continues to give Oak Vegas the kind of perfectly adequate QB play that’s probably giving Chucky Brad Johnson flashbacks.
And yet, with all that, if the Bears had a starter level QB, they probably win this game. Or if the ground game wasn’t MIA (again).
Or if they hadn’t made it to London Friday afternoon. The Raiders did the same thing last year and were tired, sluggish easy pickings for Seattle. They learned from the experience and showed up in London straight from Indianapolis. Perhaps Da Bears should’ve learned from their mistake?
Jets 6, Eagles 31
They gave Luke Falk one day of practice with the starters. They were counting so heavily on Sam Darnold being cleared for action that they didn’t give his back up and PT with the #1s until the last moment.
Are we SURE the Dolphins are the only ones tanking in the AFC East?
Ravens 26, Steelers 23 (OT)
Okay, Ravens Nation. It’s time to be worried.
Yes, you won. But you went to overtime vs. the Steelers’ #3 QB¹. And teams seem to have figured out how to stop your passing attack, forcing Lamar Jackson to go back his fate-tempting run-heavy ways (14-70). And you were gifted the ball in OT, thanks to Coach Omar Epps’ WTF decision to defer after winning the coin flip.
This might be enough to take the AFC North. But if you want to be more than One-And-Embarrassingly-Done, you’re gonna need to step things up going forward.
The Steelers are 1-4 for the second time in the last thirty seasons. The only time they’ve made the playoffs after such a start was 1976 (They lost to Oakland in the AFC Championship). Unless Devlin “Duck” Hodges is secretly Kurt Warner’s clone, don’t expect such a turnaround in 2019.
After knocking Mason Rudolph out of the game, and possibly Week 6, with a hit of “Expect to hear from the Commissioner’s Office” quality.
Bills 14, Titans 7
You miss four field goals in the same game, you get cut. That’s the way it works.
Broncos 20, Chargers 13
Melvin Gordon saw his first action of 2019 (38 total scrimmage yards).
L.A. lost, at home, to the previously winless Broncos.
Coincidence? Yeah, probably.
Packers 34, Cowboys 24
And Discount Double Check does it to the Cowboys again.
He had help, granted, both from Dallas’ first half offensive impotence and the defense fading back into the ether after showing up for New Orleans. Dak and the offense turned it on late, but it was too little, too late.
Now, far be it for me to jump on the “Garrett Must Go” bandwagon¹. But give Golden Boy’s proven track record of getting bested by superior coaching, no matter the talent advantage, you can probably pencil in a loss to Darth Hoodie and a split with the Iggles. As I’ve been saying since Garrett survived 2018, it’s gonna come down to the playoffs. Wild Card Weekend ain’t gonna cut it this time. Or at least it shouldn’t, given Jerruh’s statements over the last couple of years.
Jerruh has said that Garret’s job is not in trouble. Let’s see if that stands if they mess around and drop a game to the Jets...
Mostly because A) I never got off and B) I’d still be on if they beat the Saints and Pack 90-0.
Colts 19, Chiefs 13
It is a sign of how bonkers Patrick Mahomes’ numbers have been that 321 yards and a TD is considered getting “shut down.”
Marlon Mack and the Colts’ defense laid down a signature win in Kansas City, holding the Greatest Show On Turf West to 324 yards, including 36 rushing. Mack had 132 yards on 29 carries to front a ball control attack that held the ball for 12 more minutes than the Chiefs.
The eleven penalties for 125 yards did not help the KC cause.
Was this the Colts stepping up or just a bad day for the Chefs? Could be both. But since the NFL doesn’t have style points, it doesn’t matter either way.
Fun Fact: Patrick Mahomes is the 5th player in NFL history with more than 300 yards passing in each of his first 5 games of the season. Two of the other four are in the Hall of Fame (Kurt Warner, Steve Young). A third will be in as soon as he’s eligible (Peyton Manning). The fourth: Matt Ryan, AKA “Matt Stafford with playoff wins.¹”
Why yes, I did include this fact just to take that shot at Matt Ryan. Why do you ask?
Browns 3, Niners 31
Another Monday Night, another ugly blowout.
The Niners used 275 rushing yards, highlighted by Matt Breida’s 83-yard TD run on the Niners’ first play from scrimmage, and a pass rush (sparked by a finally healthy Nick Bosa) that harassed Sober Johnny Manziel into his worst game as a pro (8/22 for 100 yds, 2 INTs). They played like they all took a sip of whatever lets Richard Sherman put his all into absolutely hating his opponents (Especially when they don’t shake his hand¹).
If I’m the Browns, this is one of those games where I just have to admit I got mollywhopped and regroup for the next week.
And somehow, San Francisco is the last of the undefeated teams in the NFC and join the Pats as the league’s only unbeatens. Maybe Younger Shanahanigans and John Lynch have finally put their master plan into full effect? Or maybe the season is still young and they’ve still got time and space to crater? I know I’m better on the latter over the former.
Ty for the kind words about the Vikings.
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