NFL Week in Review – Week 4 (2019)
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So, Green Bay... I thought this year was supposed to be different. This was the year you were going to stop relying Discount Double Check playing Hero Ball and put more balance around him, including a defense that could make timely stops.
You did that in Weeks 1-3. What happened here? It's not like the Iggles were some of Joe Gibbs throwback juggernaut, though that's what you made them look like (Jordan Howard and Miles Sanders combinde for 159 yds on 26 carries, with 2 TDs for Howard) . That defense lapse, plus your Jason Garrett-esque abandonment of the run in the crunch (Five shots from inside the Eagles' 5 and you don't run ONCE?) forced Aaron Rodgers to don his tape again, only this time Philly was holding some "You're not 28 anymore"-colored kryptonite. Interception in the end zone, game over, drive safe!
Speaking as a Cowboys fan; YOU HAD ONE JOB, CHEESEHEADS!
The question going into Sunday was whether or not the Bills could give The Most Hated Team In America¹ a run. Maybe even sneak a win?
The answer to the former was “yes.” The latter: “Not with that QB. Either of them.” The Bills defence gave Brady all he could handle, making him look like an old man for the first time... Ever? (18-39, 150yds, 0 TDs, 1 INT). Frank Gore (trying to shew that he, not Adrian Peterson, is the Father Time defying GOAT RB of this era) added 109 yards on 14 carries. Along the way, he joined the 15K rushing club, along with the three men ahead of him on the all-time rushing list (Emmitt Smith, Walter Payton and Barry Sanders).
But Josh Allen threw three bad INTs before bowing out after a how-did-that-not-get-flagged helmet-to-helmet his from Jonathan Jones. Matt “Yep. Still Here” Barkley wasn’t that much better in relief (9-16, 127, 1 INT) Their lack of production on offense, plus a blocked punt return for the Pats, were all Darth Hoodie and co. needed for the win.
The Bills will go as far as Josh Allen takes them. But if he can’t step up his game vs. even good defense, he’ll just take them in circles.
Are Falcons opponents setting up invisible force fields inside their own 40 yard-lines? That’s the only explanation I can think of for the Dirty Birds’ inexplicable haplessness inside enemy territory. Their trips inside the Titans’ 40-yard line resulted in: Touchdown, Fumble, Turnover on Downs, Missed FG, FG, Turnover on Downs. And that’s not counting a third TOD from the Titan 46.
That also says “We don’t trust our kicker”, but that’s another story.
Marcus “*Flips Coin* Good Week!” Mariota threw three first half TDs and basically got out of the way and let the Falcons stop themselves time and time again. Again: These guys were supposed to challenge the Saints for the NFC South? These guys were a Super Bowl darkhorse? Yeah, still plenty of time to turn it around. But still!
Oh, THAT’S what the Browns’ offense is supposed to look like!
With the Ravens’ D looking like it was all hands on deck in stopping OBJ¹ (2 catches, 20 yards, 0-1 passing on a trick play), the Browns said “cool” and unleashed Nick Chubb (165 yds, 3 TDs) and Jarvis Landry (8-167) and just took apart a strong Baltimore D. Cleveland’s defense followed suite and shut down Lamar “Maybe I am just a running back” Jackson through the air (24/34 for 247, 3 TDs, but 2 INTs and 4 sacks). Though he did contribute 66 of Baltimore’s 173 on the ground, so it wasn’t all rainbows and lollipops for Cleveland.
So let’s see Sober Johnny Manziel² and the Browns do this two weeks in a row.
Detroit, as they are wont to do, came THIS close to pulling off the home upset. They had Patrick Mahomes stymied: They shut down his TD pass streak completely, held Lesean McCoy in check, and did some good things on offense.
They just forgot Patrick Mahomes can also run. Time after time, the reigning MVP extended plays and drives with fancy footwork, include a 15-yard scramble on 4-and-8 that saved the (eventual) game winning drive.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. That’s the Lions Way.
So when is Bob McNair going to admit he made the wrong choice in the Bill O’Brien/Rick Smith conflict?
So who had “Week 4” and “For the Rest of Season¹” in the “When Will Vontez Burfict get ejected for a cheap shot” and “How long will he be suspended for it” pools?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y46p1qKapjA
Seriously, though: That shot would’ve gotten Jack Tatum suspended.
Without TY Hilton and Devin Funches, Jake Brisket turned back into a pumpkin²: 24/46 for 265, with three TDs and an INT. But most of that was in the fourth, with the Colts furiously trying to rally and the Panthers content to hang back and let them eat clock.
Lacking Darius Leonard and Malik Hooker on defense probably didn’t help.
If Josh Rosen just said “Fuck This Shit, I’m Out” in January, it would not surprise me one bit.
Melvin “Well, that was time well spent” Gordon was active, but did not see action, in case you were wondering.
It was as if Lesser Gruden was telling the fans “Oh, you want som Dwayne Haskins? I’LL GIVE YOU SOME DWAYNE HASKINS!!!”
Good GAWD... Do we owe the Giants an apology?
When this season started, folks were split as to whether or not the Cardinals would be a triumph or a train wreck. I bet on both: Like the Wildcat or Chip Kelly, they’d set the league on fire for a few weeks, then once teams started to get tape on them, they’d get shut down hard.
What no one counted on is what the Cardinals currently are: Boring.
The most dramatic and exciting it’s gotten so far is the week 1 tie vs. Detroit (a feat that looks less impressive by the day.). They hung tough in a losing effort vs. Baltimore, then spent the last two weeks getting handled. Not Dolphins vs. Pats handled, but “It’s clear they have no shot” handled. The defense? Giving up 417 yds a game - a rate not seen in Cardinal Nation since 1940.
They’re not “Holy shit, they suck” bad like Miami. Or snake-bitten like the Jets or Steelers. They are squarely next to the Bengals in “*Shrug* I guess” bad territory.
Okay, LA. You lost a shootout. You lost a shootout to the Rapey McCrablegs and the Bucs. You gave Todd Gurley and Malcom Brown TEN CARRIES. You let Jared Goff drop back SEVENTY TIMES.
What. The. HELL. Rams?
But don’t get cocky, Bucs Nation. You know we’ve seen this movie before: Winston puts up big numbers, murmurs start that he’s finally turned the corner. The light has come on!. And then he follows it up with 180 yards and 3 turnovers.
At this moment, the Bears are better with Chase Daniels.
Search your feelings, Bears Nation. You know it to be true.
And the legend of Gardner Minshew: El Novato Magnifico grows.
It grows despite Leonard Fournette’s career-high 225 yards. Tends to do that when you lead a last-second drive for the winning field goal, on the road, vs. a Broncos defense that finally decided to show up.(5 sacks and 5 TFL).
ON the plus side for Denver, Von Miller notched his 100th sack, becoming the 35th overall and fourth-fastest¹ player (124 games) to reach that milestone.
On the minus: Of course once the Broncos D got going, Bradley Chubb suffered an ACL tear and will be gone for the rest of the season.
Denver is 0-4 for the first time in twenty years. And things don’t look to be getting better any time soon.
Write down the date November 3: That is the earliest Drew Lock can be activated off IR. I have no doubt Joe Flacco will have played himself into a 2020 TV job by that time.
There are only two explanations for WTF happened to the Cowboys offense:
Either way, the result was losing to a Saints team who didn’t score a touchdown. The play action passing game that fueled the Dallas attack up to this? Run at a third the previous rate! Zeke? A-Gap or B-Gap! On 90% of first downs, to boot! Tony Pollard, who Garrett hyped as “our” Alvin Kamara? Not a touch - run or pass! Deep shots? Nope! This was a game plan that would’ve made Scott Linehan go “Damn, son. Mix it up a bit.”
And, much like Denver above: This offensive regression came during a game where the pass rush finally showed up².(5 sacks, plus the first INT of the year).
Hopefully, this was a learning experience for the ‘Boys and they leave Linehan Ball in the past for good.
For the Saints, Teddy Bridgwater won his second-game as Breesus’ stand-in, despite not looking particularly sharp (23-30 for 193, 1 INT). But a steady dose of Kamara (17-69), clutch throws to Michael “Seriously, can’t anyone stop this guy?” Thomas (9-95) and a defense happy to accept Dallas’ gift of conservative play and you end up 2-0 in a stretch where Whodat Nation reasonably expected 0-2.
*moves Cincinnati from “Shrug” to “They Suck.”*
Seriously? They whooped your asses with the Wildcat? In 2019? TO THE SHAME CORNER WiTH YOU!
Eagles 34, Packers 27
So, Green Bay... I thought this year was supposed to be different. This was the year you were going to stop relying Discount Double Check playing Hero Ball and put more balance around him, including a defense that could make timely stops.
You did that in Weeks 1-3. What happened here? It's not like the Iggles were some of Joe Gibbs throwback juggernaut, though that's what you made them look like (Jordan Howard and Miles Sanders combinde for 159 yds on 26 carries, with 2 TDs for Howard) . That defense lapse, plus your Jason Garrett-esque abandonment of the run in the crunch (Five shots from inside the Eagles' 5 and you don't run ONCE?) forced Aaron Rodgers to don his tape again, only this time Philly was holding some "You're not 28 anymore"-colored kryptonite. Interception in the end zone, game over, drive safe!
Speaking as a Cowboys fan; YOU HAD ONE JOB, CHEESEHEADS!
Patriots 16, Bills 10
The question going into Sunday was whether or not the Bills could give The Most Hated Team In America¹ a run. Maybe even sneak a win?
The answer to the former was “yes.” The latter: “Not with that QB. Either of them.” The Bills defence gave Brady all he could handle, making him look like an old man for the first time... Ever? (18-39, 150yds, 0 TDs, 1 INT). Frank Gore (trying to shew that he, not Adrian Peterson, is the Father Time defying GOAT RB of this era) added 109 yards on 14 carries. Along the way, he joined the 15K rushing club, along with the three men ahead of him on the all-time rushing list (Emmitt Smith, Walter Payton and Barry Sanders).
But Josh Allen threw three bad INTs before bowing out after a how-did-that-not-get-flagged helmet-to-helmet his from Jonathan Jones. Matt “Yep. Still Here” Barkley wasn’t that much better in relief (9-16, 127, 1 INT) Their lack of production on offense, plus a blocked punt return for the Pats, were all Darth Hoodie and co. needed for the win.
The Bills will go as far as Josh Allen takes them. But if he can’t step up his game vs. even good defense, he’ll just take them in circles.
Though, to be fair, it’s more that people can’t stand their fans, and maybe Dreamboat and Darth Hoodie, than the team itself.
Titans 24, Falcons 10
Are Falcons opponents setting up invisible force fields inside their own 40 yard-lines? That’s the only explanation I can think of for the Dirty Birds’ inexplicable haplessness inside enemy territory. Their trips inside the Titans’ 40-yard line resulted in: Touchdown, Fumble, Turnover on Downs, Missed FG, FG, Turnover on Downs. And that’s not counting a third TOD from the Titan 46.
That also says “We don’t trust our kicker”, but that’s another story.
Marcus “*Flips Coin* Good Week!” Mariota threw three first half TDs and basically got out of the way and let the Falcons stop themselves time and time again. Again: These guys were supposed to challenge the Saints for the NFC South? These guys were a Super Bowl darkhorse? Yeah, still plenty of time to turn it around. But still!
Browns 40, Ravens 25
Oh, THAT’S what the Browns’ offense is supposed to look like!
With the Ravens’ D looking like it was all hands on deck in stopping OBJ¹ (2 catches, 20 yards, 0-1 passing on a trick play), the Browns said “cool” and unleashed Nick Chubb (165 yds, 3 TDs) and Jarvis Landry (8-167) and just took apart a strong Baltimore D. Cleveland’s defense followed suite and shut down Lamar “Maybe I am just a running back” Jackson through the air (24/34 for 247, 3 TDs, but 2 INTs and 4 sacks). Though he did contribute 66 of Baltimore’s 173 on the ground, so it wasn’t all rainbows and lollipops for Cleveland.
So let’s see Sober Johnny Manziel² and the Browns do this two weeks in a row.
To be fair: Getting choked out by Marlon Humphrey probably didn't help.
$1 to Bomani Jones.
Chiefs 34, Lions 30
Detroit, as they are wont to do, came THIS close to pulling off the home upset. They had Patrick Mahomes stymied: They shut down his TD pass streak completely, held Lesean McCoy in check, and did some good things on offense.
They just forgot Patrick Mahomes can also run. Time after time, the reigning MVP extended plays and drives with fancy footwork, include a 15-yard scramble on 4-and-8 that saved the (eventual) game winning drive.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. That’s the Lions Way.
Panthers 16, Texans 10
So when is Bob McNair going to admit he made the wrong choice in the Bill O’Brien/Rick Smith conflict?
Raiders 31, Colts 24
So who had “Week 4” and “For the Rest of Season¹” in the “When Will Vontez Burfict get ejected for a cheap shot” and “How long will he be suspended for it” pools?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y46p1qKapjA
Seriously, though: That shot would’ve gotten Jack Tatum suspended.
Without TY Hilton and Devin Funches, Jake Brisket turned back into a pumpkin²: 24/46 for 265, with three TDs and an INT. But most of that was in the fourth, with the Colts furiously trying to rally and the Panthers content to hang back and let them eat clock.
Lacking Darius Leonard and Malik Hooker on defense probably didn’t help.
Though it will get appealed down to probably six.
Mixed metaphors ahoy!
Chargers 30, “We’re Not Tanking! Pinky Swear!” 10
If Josh Rosen just said “Fuck This Shit, I’m Out” in January, it would not surprise me one bit.
Melvin “Well, that was time well spent” Gordon was active, but did not see action, in case you were wondering.
Fucksnyders 3, Giants 24
It was as if Lesser Gruden was telling the fans “Oh, you want som Dwayne Haskins? I’LL GIVE YOU SOME DWAYNE HASKINS!!!”
Good GAWD... Do we owe the Giants an apology?
Seahawks 27, Cardinals 10
When this season started, folks were split as to whether or not the Cardinals would be a triumph or a train wreck. I bet on both: Like the Wildcat or Chip Kelly, they’d set the league on fire for a few weeks, then once teams started to get tape on them, they’d get shut down hard.
What no one counted on is what the Cardinals currently are: Boring.
The most dramatic and exciting it’s gotten so far is the week 1 tie vs. Detroit (a feat that looks less impressive by the day.). They hung tough in a losing effort vs. Baltimore, then spent the last two weeks getting handled. Not Dolphins vs. Pats handled, but “It’s clear they have no shot” handled. The defense? Giving up 417 yds a game - a rate not seen in Cardinal Nation since 1940.
They’re not “Holy shit, they suck” bad like Miami. Or snake-bitten like the Jets or Steelers. They are squarely next to the Bengals in “*Shrug* I guess” bad territory.
Bucs 55, Rams 40
Okay, LA. You lost a shootout. You lost a shootout to the Rapey McCrablegs and the Bucs. You gave Todd Gurley and Malcom Brown TEN CARRIES. You let Jared Goff drop back SEVENTY TIMES.
What. The. HELL. Rams?
But don’t get cocky, Bucs Nation. You know we’ve seen this movie before: Winston puts up big numbers, murmurs start that he’s finally turned the corner. The light has come on!. And then he follows it up with 180 yards and 3 turnovers.
Vikings 6, Bears 16
At this moment, the Bears are better with Chase Daniels.
Search your feelings, Bears Nation. You know it to be true.
Jaguars 26, Broncos 24
And the legend of Gardner Minshew: El Novato Magnifico grows.
It grows despite Leonard Fournette’s career-high 225 yards. Tends to do that when you lead a last-second drive for the winning field goal, on the road, vs. a Broncos defense that finally decided to show up.(5 sacks and 5 TFL).
ON the plus side for Denver, Von Miller notched his 100th sack, becoming the 35th overall and fourth-fastest¹ player (124 games) to reach that milestone.
On the minus: Of course once the Broncos D got going, Bradley Chubb suffered an ACL tear and will be gone for the rest of the season.
Denver is 0-4 for the first time in twenty years. And things don’t look to be getting better any time soon.
Write down the date November 3: That is the earliest Drew Lock can be activated off IR. I have no doubt Joe Flacco will have played himself into a 2020 TV job by that time.
Behind Reggie White (96), DeMarcus Ware (113) and Bruce Smith (115)
Cowboys 10, Saints 12
There are only two explanations for WTF happened to the Cowboys offense:
- Jason Garrett thought “This is how we beat the Saints last year, so we’re playing things that way.”
- Kellen Moore got “that lemon booty¹” in the face of his first real test and got ridicu-conservative.
Either way, the result was losing to a Saints team who didn’t score a touchdown. The play action passing game that fueled the Dallas attack up to this? Run at a third the previous rate! Zeke? A-Gap or B-Gap! On 90% of first downs, to boot! Tony Pollard, who Garrett hyped as “our” Alvin Kamara? Not a touch - run or pass! Deep shots? Nope! This was a game plan that would’ve made Scott Linehan go “Damn, son. Mix it up a bit.”
And, much like Denver above: This offensive regression came during a game where the pass rush finally showed up².(5 sacks, plus the first INT of the year).
Hopefully, this was a learning experience for the ‘Boys and they leave Linehan Ball in the past for good.
For the Saints, Teddy Bridgwater won his second-game as Breesus’ stand-in, despite not looking particularly sharp (23-30 for 193, 1 INT). But a steady dose of Kamara (17-69), clutch throws to Michael “Seriously, can’t anyone stop this guy?” Thomas (9-95) and a defense happy to accept Dallas’ gift of conservative play and you end up 2-0 in a stretch where Whodat Nation reasonably expected 0-2.
Another $1 to Bomani Jones.
Read: “Robert Quinn’s suspension is up”
Bungles 3, Steelers 27
*moves Cincinnati from “Shrug” to “They Suck.”*
Seriously? They whooped your asses with the Wildcat? In 2019? TO THE SHAME CORNER WiTH YOU!
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