NFL Week in Review - Week 2 (2019)
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Wasn't Carolina supposed to be a contender? They didn't look it last week, but everyone blamed that on it being Week 1. And now they're facing Tampa, who looked like 80% ABV¹ vs. San Francisco.
And the result was an ugly rock fight, where Tampa survived via a last-minute goal line stop on Christian “‘Run CMC’ is growing on me” McCaffrey. That they gave the ball to Son of Ed in that scenario (4th and 1 from the TB 2), rather than just let Cam Newton sneak for it says one of three things:
Rapey McCrablegs finished with an okay 208 yards and 1 TD on 16 of 25 passing.
Cam Newton for the second week in a row, turned more heads with his post-game sartorial choices than with his stats (25/51, 333 yds, 0 TDs)
Is there something about David Johnson that makes people forget he exists? How else does one explain Johnson, a former All-Pro, getting only seven carries in a game where Arizona was within one score up until the fourth quarter? At first I thought it was because Kliff Kingsbury (OFFENSIVE SUPER GENIUS) wanted to play someone else. But the Cards only had four other rush attempts. And three of them were from Kyler Murray.
So basically, what we have is a head coach bound and determined to play things His Way™. Screw whether or not the situation called for passes, passes and more passes.¹
Meanwhile, Lamar Jackson had his second straight big game, in a second straight win.(24/37 for 272 yds and 2tds, plus 16/120 rushing).
Not bad for a running back.
While it’s true that that the 49ers haven’t exactly faced a Murderer’s Row of opponents in these opening weeks, they handled those two opponents by a combined score of 72-34. Matt Breida and Whodat all-stars Raheem Mostert and Jeff Wilson Jr combined for 268 rushing and 2 TDs. And the Chosen One, Jimmy Garappolo , added 297 yards and 3 tds in the Niner win.
I swear: It’s like Marvin Lewis never left.
The ESPN write-up made this game sound like Detroit was being handled all game, up until the fourth quarter. Truth is, they were only in the game becauseSan Diego Los Angeles continually shot themselves in the foot. Multiple touchdowns nullified by penalties, multiple missed field goals, two turnovers in scoring position... The Lions didn’t win this game; the Chargers lost it.
It’s like they never left San Diego.
Discount Double Check and the Pack scored on their first three possessions. And didn’t sniff the endzone afterwards. Thanks to some sub par play from the Vikings, those points held up for the win.
Dalvin Cook’s career high 154 yards went to waste as Kirk Cousins continues to show why Washington was so ambivalent about giving him starting QB money (14 of 32 for 230 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs)
And who had “Week 2” in “Rogers yells at his new coach” pool?
Sometimes you have to take drama where you find it.
In this case, the drama was found in Houston having to hang on through some bad defense and worse offense, getting bailed out by Doug Marrone’s misplaced faith in Leonard Fournette. The Texans managed to stuff Fournette on a last-second (and frankly unnecessary) two-point attempt, preserving a one-point win.
Time-displaced Marlboro Man Gardner Minshew was decent enough in his first start (23/33 for 213, 1 TD, adding 56 yards on the ground).
Deshaun Watson took his usual beating while throwing for159 yards. Carlos Hyde added 90 yards rushing on 20 carries.
Oh, and Jalen Ramsey wants out of JAX. To think I wanted him instead of Zeke Elliot. #BulletDodged
Can it get any uglier for the Fish?
They travel to Dallas for Week 3.
And they traded their best remaining defender, Minkah Fitzpatrick, to Pittsburgh.
This could be a “Hide The Women and Children” ugly game for Miami.
Okay, getting rolled by the Cowboys is one thing. But the Bills?
[checks Eli’s stat line]
Yeah, that’ll do it.
And it looks like that wet fart of a game my be the swan song for Eli (at least as a Giant): As Daniel Jones has been tabbed as the Week 3 starter.
And the Eli stans are up in arms already.
I do hope Manning rides off into the sunset after this season. The world doesn’t need another Joe Namath in SF season.
The Seahawks are 2-0 for the first time in six years - a surprising stat given Seattle’s steady success levels under Pete Carroll.
Usually I’d say losing Rapelisberger for the second half helped the Seahawks, but the Steelers looked to get a jolt of energy from backup Mason Rudolph. Once he entered the game, it went from a slog to a shootout. Losing James Conner probably hurt more (pun not intended).
The Steelers better hope Rudolph’s performance (12/19, 112 yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT) wasn’t a flash in the pan, because the elbow issue that knocked Big Ben out of the game requires season-ending surgery. Suddenly, trading Josh Dobbs doesn’t look like such a great idea.
The Colts hung on for a big road win vs. Tennessee, despite the best efforts of Adam Vinetieri (1/3 on extra points). Jake Brisket three 3 TDs, the last of which was set up by a 55-yd Jordan Wilkins run (Who seems to be good for one of these a year)
Marcus Mariota continues to be maddeningly inconsistent, following up last week’s strong showing with a 154 yd clinker. Adam Humphries, who was supposed to be the x-factor the Titans offense was missing, had one catch for -1 yards. Which brings his season totals up to three catches for 4 yards. #MoneyWellSpent
On a lighter note: I was today years old when I found out that one of the members of SWV is Eddie George’s wife. She sang the national anthem for the game, where George and the late Steve McNair had their numbers retired. Fun fact: The Titans are the first team in the NFL to retire 9 or 27.
Okay, seriously: Who the hell is Devin Smith? And can he do that shiz again? With Michael Gallop out with a knee injury, we’ll probably need the help.
But seriously seriously: If the Cowboys’ offense wasn’t looking so silky smooth right now, I’d be far more concerned about the defense. We’re gonna run into a team with a good defense¹, sooner or later. Gonna needs some stops.
But still, watching Dak pieface Josh Norman was pretty damn sweet.
Patrick Mahomes continues his assault on the record books (443 yds, 4 TDs) and fantasy teams (2 of those TDs and 172 of those yards went to Whodat Demarcus Robinson¹)
The Raiders jumped out to a 10-0 first quarter lead. The Chefs scored 28 unanswered in the second. Derek Carr threw INTs on back-to-back drives in the third and Oak Vegas never threatened again.
Takeaways from this game:
Okay, Whodats: You got hosed on a bad call. Again. That’s not why you lost.
You lost Drew Brees for at least six weeks. That’s not why you lost. It didn’t help, granted. But you weren’t looking that strong when he was still in.
You lost because:
I’m pulling hard for Teddy Bridgewater. Always have. Here’s hoping a week of practice will help. Because if this game is all he’s got, it might be time to dig out the paper bags again.
This game was 56 minutes of meh and four minutes of nail-biting drama. Big plays, big stops, leads swapped. That last part of the fourth quarter had everything the rest of the game didn’t.
Though if I’m the Falcons, I don’t feel good having to hang on to beat an Eagles team without Alshon Jeffrey and Desean Jackson for most of the game.
So where are those “experts” saying the Eagles were the class of the NFC East?
Haven’t been able to say the two worst teams in the league were both in the same division since Cleveland and Cincinnati were stinking the joint up in the early 00s.
And it gets “better” for the Jets: They lost backup QB/ temporary starter Trevor Siemian for the year with an ankle injury. Luke Falk is currently the only healthy QB on the roster.
Hey, J-E-T-S (YOU STILL SUCK): If you’re interested, we both know a guy.
Silver lining: The Jets and Dolphins made a little history. They are the first pair of 20+ point underdogs since 1987 Fun fact: Teams favored by 21 or more are 35-0 straight-up but only 11-22-2 against the spread.
Bucs 20, Panthers 14
Wasn't Carolina supposed to be a contender? They didn't look it last week, but everyone blamed that on it being Week 1. And now they're facing Tampa, who looked like 80% ABV¹ vs. San Francisco.
And the result was an ugly rock fight, where Tampa survived via a last-minute goal line stop on Christian “‘Run CMC’ is growing on me” McCaffrey. That they gave the ball to Son of Ed in that scenario (4th and 1 from the TB 2), rather than just let Cam Newton sneak for it says one of three things:
- Cam Newton’s physical decline is worse than the Panthers want to let on.
- Ron Rivera’s judgement is suspect at best.
Rapey McCrablegs finished with an okay 208 yards and 1 TD on 16 of 25 passing.
Cam Newton for the second week in a row, turned more heads with his post-game sartorial choices than with his stats (25/51, 333 yds, 0 TDs)
Ass By Volume
Cardinals 17, Ravens 23
Is there something about David Johnson that makes people forget he exists? How else does one explain Johnson, a former All-Pro, getting only seven carries in a game where Arizona was within one score up until the fourth quarter? At first I thought it was because Kliff Kingsbury (OFFENSIVE SUPER GENIUS) wanted to play someone else. But the Cards only had four other rush attempts. And three of them were from Kyler Murray.
So basically, what we have is a head coach bound and determined to play things His Way™. Screw whether or not the situation called for passes, passes and more passes.¹
Meanwhile, Lamar Jackson had his second straight big game, in a second straight win.(24/37 for 272 yds and 2tds, plus 16/120 rushing).
Not bad for a running back.
PROTIP: They didn’t.
Niners 41, Bengals 17
While it’s true that that the 49ers haven’t exactly faced a Murderer’s Row of opponents in these opening weeks, they handled those two opponents by a combined score of 72-34. Matt Breida and Whodat all-stars Raheem Mostert and Jeff Wilson Jr combined for 268 rushing and 2 TDs. And the Chosen One, Jimmy Garappolo , added 297 yards and 3 tds in the Niner win.
I swear: It’s like Marvin Lewis never left.
Chargers 10, Lions 13
The ESPN write-up made this game sound like Detroit was being handled all game, up until the fourth quarter. Truth is, they were only in the game because
It’s like they never left San Diego.
Vikings 16, Packers 21
Discount Double Check and the Pack scored on their first three possessions. And didn’t sniff the endzone afterwards. Thanks to some sub par play from the Vikings, those points held up for the win.
Dalvin Cook’s career high 154 yards went to waste as Kirk Cousins continues to show why Washington was so ambivalent about giving him starting QB money (14 of 32 for 230 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs)
And who had “Week 2” in “Rogers yells at his new coach” pool?
Jaguars 12, Texans 13
Sometimes you have to take drama where you find it.
In this case, the drama was found in Houston having to hang on through some bad defense and worse offense, getting bailed out by Doug Marrone’s misplaced faith in Leonard Fournette. The Texans managed to stuff Fournette on a last-second (and frankly unnecessary) two-point attempt, preserving a one-point win.
Time-displaced Marlboro Man Gardner Minshew was decent enough in his first start (23/33 for 213, 1 TD, adding 56 yards on the ground).
Deshaun Watson took his usual beating while throwing for159 yards. Carlos Hyde added 90 yards rushing on 20 carries.
Oh, and Jalen Ramsey wants out of JAX. To think I wanted him instead of Zeke Elliot. #BulletDodged
The Most Hated Team In The League 43, Dolphins Who Are Not Tanking 0
Can it get any uglier for the Fish?
They travel to Dallas for Week 3.
And they traded their best remaining defender, Minkah Fitzpatrick, to Pittsburgh.
This could be a “Hide The Women and Children” ugly game for Miami.
Bills 28, Giants 14
Okay, getting rolled by the Cowboys is one thing. But the Bills?
[checks Eli’s stat line]
Yeah, that’ll do it.
And it looks like that wet fart of a game my be the swan song for Eli (at least as a Giant): As Daniel Jones has been tabbed as the Week 3 starter.
And the Eli stans are up in arms already.
I do hope Manning rides off into the sunset after this season. The world doesn’t need another Joe Namath in SF season.
Seahawks 28, Steelers 26
The Seahawks are 2-0 for the first time in six years - a surprising stat given Seattle’s steady success levels under Pete Carroll.
Usually I’d say losing Rapelisberger for the second half helped the Seahawks, but the Steelers looked to get a jolt of energy from backup Mason Rudolph. Once he entered the game, it went from a slog to a shootout. Losing James Conner probably hurt more (pun not intended).
The Steelers better hope Rudolph’s performance (12/19, 112 yds, 2 TDs, 1 INT) wasn’t a flash in the pan, because the elbow issue that knocked Big Ben out of the game requires season-ending surgery. Suddenly, trading Josh Dobbs doesn’t look like such a great idea.
Colts 19, Titans 17
The Colts hung on for a big road win vs. Tennessee, despite the best efforts of Adam Vinetieri (1/3 on extra points). Jake Brisket three 3 TDs, the last of which was set up by a 55-yd Jordan Wilkins run (Who seems to be good for one of these a year)
Marcus Mariota continues to be maddeningly inconsistent, following up last week’s strong showing with a 154 yd clinker. Adam Humphries, who was supposed to be the x-factor the Titans offense was missing, had one catch for -1 yards. Which brings his season totals up to three catches for 4 yards. #MoneyWellSpent
On a lighter note: I was today years old when I found out that one of the members of SWV is Eddie George’s wife. She sang the national anthem for the game, where George and the late Steve McNair had their numbers retired. Fun fact: The Titans are the first team in the NFL to retire 9 or 27.
Cowboys 31, Fucksnyders 21
Okay, seriously: Who the hell is Devin Smith? And can he do that shiz again? With Michael Gallop out with a knee injury, we’ll probably need the help.
But seriously seriously: If the Cowboys’ offense wasn’t looking so silky smooth right now, I’d be far more concerned about the defense. We’re gonna run into a team with a good defense¹, sooner or later. Gonna needs some stops.
But still, watching Dak pieface Josh Norman was pretty damn sweet.
Not this week, granted...
Chiefs 28, Raiders 10
Patrick Mahomes continues his assault on the record books (443 yds, 4 TDs) and fantasy teams (2 of those TDs and 172 of those yards went to Whodat Demarcus Robinson¹)
The Raiders jumped out to a 10-0 first quarter lead. The Chefs scored 28 unanswered in the second. Derek Carr threw INTs on back-to-back drives in the third and Oak Vegas never threatened again.
Fourth year player out of Florida, in case you were wondering.
Bears 16, Elways 14
Takeaways from this game:
- Looks like the Bears have a kicker. For now.
- The vaunted Bronco D’ still doesn’t have a sack.
- If you’re asking Joe Flacco to throw the ball 50 times in a game, you are asking for trouble.
- How the hell is Bronco Nation not howling for John Elway’s head by this point?
Saints 9, Rams 27
Okay, Whodats: You got hosed on a bad call. Again. That’s not why you lost.
You lost Drew Brees for at least six weeks. That’s not why you lost. It didn’t help, granted. But you weren’t looking that strong when he was still in.
You lost because:
- You seem to have forgotten how to run the ball.¹
- Your defense is ass.
- 11 penalties for 87 yards.
I’m pulling hard for Teddy Bridgewater. Always have. Here’s hoping a week of practice will help. Because if this game is all he’s got, it might be time to dig out the paper bags again.
Maybe you should’ve ponied up for Mark Ingram, after all?
Eagles 20, Falcons 24
This game was 56 minutes of meh and four minutes of nail-biting drama. Big plays, big stops, leads swapped. That last part of the fourth quarter had everything the rest of the game didn’t.
Though if I’m the Falcons, I don’t feel good having to hang on to beat an Eagles team without Alshon Jeffrey and Desean Jackson for most of the game.
So where are those “experts” saying the Eagles were the class of the NFC East?
Browns 23, Jets 3
Haven’t been able to say the two worst teams in the league were both in the same division since Cleveland and Cincinnati were stinking the joint up in the early 00s.
And it gets “better” for the Jets: They lost backup QB/ temporary starter Trevor Siemian for the year with an ankle injury. Luke Falk is currently the only healthy QB on the roster.
Hey, J-E-T-S (YOU STILL SUCK): If you’re interested, we both know a guy.
Silver lining: The Jets and Dolphins made a little history. They are the first pair of 20+ point underdogs since 1987 Fun fact: Teams favored by 21 or more are 35-0 straight-up but only 11-22-2 against the spread.
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