Freezer’s NFL Week In Review–Week 17 (2018)
Welcome to the Week in Review.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im4DzIqqJKE
This will probably be the last ride for quite a few players on both sides. Ryan Tannehill, Shady McCoy, whoever the hell is backing up Josh Allen this week. Veteran DT Kyle Williams has explicitly said this will be his last game. All will probably be looking for new homes next year. Wouldn't stun me if Adam Gase is among that crowd. His Dolphins teams have been...
"Meh" would be giving them too much credit. (note: He gone!)
But as much as this year has been deeply disappointing for the Fish, I'd have to say Bills Nation should be pleasantly surprised. Plenty of folks, myself included, though this squad was a candidate for "0-16: The Threequel" Granted, Nathan Peterman would've guaranteed them that.¹
And that being said: The Bills sent Williams out with a big win. Josh Allen literally saved his best for last (17/26 for 224, 3TDs, 1 INT, 2 rushing TDs on 95 rushing). They even let Williams catch a 9-yard pass.
The Dolphins basically played like a team just trying to ride out the clock and go home. If this truly is Tannehill's swan song as a Dolphin: Yeesh. (147 yds, 2 INTs).
Another year, another season as also rans. For both teams. Though in the case of Green Bay, I'm sure they're going to blame it all on former HC Mike McCarthy. This is pure "play for pride", as Green Bay can't even pull even on the season. The most the Cheeseheads can hope for is another suspiciously improved performance out of Discount Double Cross.
I for one, would not be surprised, nor sorry if Matt Patricia is a one-and-done HC. He's the NFL's answer to Chicago Bulls HC Jim Boylen: Thinks the swagger of his former boss also applies to him. Thinks because he comes from a championship staff, "You Should Listen To Me." Has to be be reminded "Yeah, but you're not Gregg Popovich/Bill Belichick." In Patricia's case: He's Jim Boylen, if Jim Boylen were also Fratbro Santa..
He’s also a winner, as the Lions lit up the Frozen Tundra. Rogers sat out the second half with a “concussion”, leaving Deshone Kizer to take the rest of the beating. This was a game where the Packers clearly tapped out at the opening kickoff. The Lions dominated in every offensive category, in a way you don’t really see outside of non-conference college ball.
One would hope that the Lions’ front office wouldn’t be swayed by Patricia winning such a blatant tank job. But we’ve seen dumber.
If the Texans have ambitions to be more than a one-and-done, a good start would be taking down the Jags and taking them down hard. They are an inferior team¹ and should be treated as such. Gonna be a weird experience for the Texans either way: Depending on how the day shakes out, they can be anywhere from the 1-seed to the 6.
I would say the Jags would put their all into playing spoiler, but with Cody Kessler under center... that might be too big an ask. I just hope Blake Bortles gets some sort of curtain call. He may have been a first-round bust QB, but he was their first-round bust QB!
And LO, did Bortles play the entire game! And proceeded to remind everyone why he spent the last month backing up Kessler (15/28 for 107, 1 INT). Meanwhile, the Texans were racking up milestones. JJ Watt recorded his 16th sack of the year, giving him four seasons with 15+ sacks (trailing only Reggie White with five). Deandre Hopkins became the fourth player with at least 100 catches, 1500 receiving yards and 11 TDs in multiple seasons.²
Leonard Fournette - who is looking more and more like a flash in the pan - sat out the game with an ankle injury. And it looks like the Jags are preparing to get rid of Fournette, voiding all his contract guarantees (about $7.5 million zapped))
But don’t worry, Jags Nation! Shad KHAAAAAAN!!! Has already said that Doug Marrone, GM Dave Caldwell and figurehead curmudgeon Tom Coughlin are all returning for 2019! Yay!
Because they couldn't jam all of the games with playoff implications into the afternoon slot, here we have the Patriots, who would need the Chiefs and Chargers to both lose to climb out of the #2 slot. The Jets would likely love to give Todd Bowles a going away present by knocking the Evil Empire into the #3 (possibly #4) seed. Maybe even hit Dreamboat with a heavy dose of YOU'RE OLD and send him into the playoffs with an injury.
Aaaand no.
The Pats claimed the ninth first round bye of the Brady/Belichick era, beating the brakes off the J-E-T-S-SAME-OLD-CRAP..
And that was pretty much the capper for Todd Bowles’ time as Jets HC.
The search for relevance continues for Gang Green.
What looked like a late-season showdown between Cam Newton and Drew Brees for the NFC South crown has morphed into The Kegger and the Panthers trying to avoid going into the offseason on an eight-game losing streak. Opposing them is Teddy Bridgewater, auditioning for QB needy teams and wondering why teams are ignoring him AGAIN as a potential FA starter.
And it turns out, no: It wasn’t Taylor Heinicke under center. He got placed on IR with a hyperextended elbow. Instead we got undrafted rookie Kyle Allen, who acquitted himself well (16/27, 228 yds, 2 TDs). Granted, it was against a Saints team clearly clock watching and resting every starter they could get away with. But I think the Panthers will take it, all things considered.
Bridgewater, for his part, was a pedestrian 14/22 for 118, a score and a pick. How much prospective teams could get out of that, who can say?
Ron Rivera’s job shouldn’t be in that much trouble. But with a new owner, who knows?
This game had all the earmarks of a trainwreck. A Dallas team locked into the #4 slot, looking to get to Wild Card Weekend as healthy as possible.¹ A Giants team that is still ludicrously dedicated to the shambling zombie that is Eli Manning. Yeah yeah yeah, he hasn't looked as horrible as he has in recent memory... In recent memory. But the Giants are seriously considering using Younger Manning's run of not sucking as a rationale to bring him back for 2019. One would think the Giants would take this chance to see what rookie Kyle Lauletta can do.² But then, one would have thought they would've put some thought towards a post-Eli world some time in the last five years.
It's thinking like that that has resulted in the entire Eli Manning era being a choice between "Super Bowl Champ" and "Ass."
Aaaaand someone really needs to remind Jason Garrett that you play for pride when you have nothing else to play for - including playoffs. Or at least: Start everybody or rest everybody. Unless you want to tell me that Zeke Elliot is THAT much more valuable than everybody else on the team, from Dak on down. Really, both teams put a ridiculous amount of effort into winning a game that did neither of them any good.³ I shouldn’t complain about a game where Dak throws for 387 and 4. But I am. Because this game was a stat padder for Clappy The Clown. For when he goes down in flames next week, he can point to a 10-win season as part of the reason he should be spared the axe again.
Fuck that guy for making it so I can’t even enjoy road wins over rivals. The defense giving up 35 pts and 441 total yards to the Giants doesn’t help put my mind at ease.
And despite not playing, Zeke captured the rushing title with 1,434 yards. He’s the third Cowboy to win the title, along with DeMarco Murray (2014) and Emmitt Smith (1991-1993. 1995) and the second to do it more than once. (He also won as a rookie in 2016)
If this truly is Eli’s Big Apple finale, he goes out with 301 yards and 2 TDs. He’ll make someone a fine scapegoat in 2019.
So this is (probably) the swan song for Dirk Koetter. And (also probably) Steve Sarkisian. (NOTE: And defensive coordinator Marquand Manuel and special teams coordinator Keith Armstrong) And goodbye to a lost season for the Falcons and another season of frustrating uncertainty over Jamarcus Winston¹. This is a matchup that just screams "Let's just get this over with."
A matchup that turned out surprisingly competitive, with Atlanta pulling out the stops to avoid double-digit losses. Matt Ryan finished with 378 and 2 scores, along with a 5-yard TD catch from Mohamed Sanu. Rapey McCrablegs finished with 345 and 4 in the loss.
The Bucs will have some tough choices coming up. Well, a tough choice: Whether or not they should pick up Winston’s fifth-year option and give him one more season to prove himself, or cut their losses and look elsewhere. The choice as to whether or not to keep Dirk Koetter should be easy.²
Bit o’ Trivia: Mike Evans’ 1422 receiving yards is the new franchise record, passing the legendary Mark Carrier.
Update: The Bucs have already decided Winston is their man for 2019. To be fair, the pickings are slim for potential replacements and they absolutely will not be the first choice of either of Nick Foles or Teddy Bridgewater. Winston will try to do in 2019 what no Tampa Bay QB has ever done before: be resigned by the team. No Tampa drafted QB has ever gotten a second contract from the team. Not Doug Williams, not Steve Young, not Vinny Testaverde, not Trent Dilfer. No one. And that says far more about the franchise than the men they gave up on.
The Afternoon slate starts off a major domino: Younger Harbaugh and the Ravens trying to hold off Coach Bountygate and the suddenly scrappy Browns, hoping beyond hope the Football Gods smile upon them and they end up with the #2 seed. The Browns, justified in feeling themselves, are looking to both play spoiler and grab their first winning record in a decade, closing out one of the biggest one-season turnarounds in NFL history.¹
And indeed the Browns took the Nevermores down to the wire, before C.J. Mosley picked off Bakery Mayfield on a 4 down pass to seal the victory. Mayfield did all he could to score the upset, throwing for 376 and three scores. He also threw three picks, including the game sealer. Black Tebow threw for 179 yards and ran for 90 and 2 scores in the win.
The Ravens win the AFC North and will host, and eventually get whooped by, the Chargers. The Browns have to settle for a seven-win season and wonder what might have been had they not tried the inexplicable early season formula of Hue Jackson, Iago Haley and Tyrod Taylor.²
The Chiefs have a simple equation: Win and they're the #1 seed and the road to Atlanta goes through Arrowhead. Lose and they enter a nightmare web of "If x loses, then..." Which actually culminates in a rather simple "Lose + Chargers Win = Have fun next week in Nashville/Indianapolis!"
The Chiefs proceeded to make all that academic by smashing the hapless Raiders. Patrick Mahomes (281/2/1) finishes the season with 5,097 yards and 50 TDs. This makes him the third QB with 50 TDs in a season, joining Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. He also joins Manning as the only QBs with 50 TDs and 5000 yards in the same season. Can you say “MVP?” I knew you could!
Travis Kelce finished the season with 1327 yards, the most for a TE in a single season. A record that stood for about an hour. (More on that later)
Oakland, having (likely) already bid goodbye to the Bay Area, set their sights on playing spoiler¹. They failed. Chucky's nearly run out of coaches and front office staff to scapegoat, so we're gonna have A LOT of Raiders playing for their jobs.
The Steelers habit of playing down to their competition bit them in the ass hard in 2018. Then spun them around and socked them in the jaw. They're reduced to depending on the Browns to eliminate Baltimore for them. And even then, this squad isn't guaranteed to take care of business and knock off the Bungles.
But let's be fair here: A team that can only pull off a three-point win over a team with 196 yards total offense is not a team that should really have playoff aspirations. Coach Omar Epps is likely safe, barring the Rooneys having a sudden massive change of heart. But there are likely several coordinators cleaning out their offices as we speak.
And stop me if you've heard this one before, but this might be the year Marvin Lewis finally says "fuck it" and steps away from the No-Win Scenario that is being the Bengals HC under Mike Brown. (Note: “A mutual parting of ways”) It also wouldn't surprise me if this is Andy Dalton's last season with the team.
The Iggles face a simple scenario: Win and have the Bears beat the Vikings: They're the #6 seed. Anything else happens: see you at Mini-Camps. Either way: Nick "Jeff Fisher nearly chased me out of football" Foles looks to lock down his status as Free Agent QB #1.
Does this make Foles this generation's Earl Morrall?
Anyway, the Eagles held up their end of the bargain, putting an emphatic boot in the faces of the Racial Slurs. Makes me wonder what the Eagles will do if Foles leads them on another improbable championship run?
The Fucksnyders, limping to the finish line with QB #12/Kaepernick Exhibit #4. The horrendous amount of injuries Washington has suffered probably insulates Jay Gruden's hot seat. It probably shouldn't. The man has been the epitome of "Eh. I suppose" as a head coach. Never thought he was all that hot as a OC either, but that could just be me. Of course, this is all tempered with a hearty dose of "Fuck Dan Snyder."
The Bears win and the Rams lose, they (Chicago) gets the #2 seed and the first round bye. Anything else happens, they get the #3 and face the #6 seed (likely the Eagles, if they [bears] win) And would come in being the wildest of wild cards in the NFC. They have the defense to beat any and everybody. But they'll need Mitchell Trubisky to step up and make plays for them to win - especially given their MIA rushing attack.
The Vikings' path was simple: They win or the Eagles lose, they're in. They win AND the Seahawks lose, they get the #5 seed and an instant rematch with Chicago. They got neither. Bet they wish they had some of those early season stumbles back, right about now
The Chargers also came in with a simple scenario: They win and the Chiefs lose: They are the AFC West champs and the #2 seed. Otherwise, they're the #5. And they enter the playoffs as the strongest looking team in the AFC. It would stun no one if they made the Big Game At The End as a wild card.
The Broncos close out a promising season pretty much smack where they were last year: With an unsettled QB situation and Vance Joseph on the verge of getting fired. (NOTE: No verge - totally fired) Elway's magic as a GM seems to have left with Gary Kubiak.
With a win or a Bears loss/tie, the Rams are the NFC #2 seed. Otherwise, they host a wildcard game as the 3. What was the odds-on NFC favorite a month ago is coming in on shaky ground. Jared Goff has suddenly and inexplicably regressed and wherever his mojo went, it took the Rams' offensive potency with it. And they simply do not have the defense to take up the slack.
The Niners have stayed remarkably competitive during this godforsaken, snake-bitten season. An upset would not be completely shocking to anyone (who doesn't play/root for the Rams).
In the end: This game was the Rams’ season in a nutshell: Overwhelming offensive firepower paired with a worryingly shaky defense and a game that felt closer than it should’ve been. And the Niners end up with the #3 draft pick.
Most people thought the Cards would suck this season. I don't think anyone thought they'd be -this dire. Of course, when it takes you half a season to remember you have an all-pro running back and HEY, maybe you should try and give him the ball more, that tends to hamper your success some. It also tends to hamper your employment prospects. (NOTE: Steve Wilks got future endeavored.)
The Seahawks were similarly written off, but for different reasons: Mostly that the Legion of Boom scattered to the four winds and Pete Carroll looked to replace most of them with a bunch of agent callbacks ("Hey, can you at least give my guy a tryout?"). Along, of course, with the Seahawks dire O-Line/RB situation. it may take three guys to replace Beast Mode, but it looks like Seattle has finally found the right three, and that's taken them to the playoffs. Granted, Pete's odd reluctance to turn Russell Wilson loose to do Russell Wilson things may limit them in the playoffs¹, but getting there is still more than most expected in September.
With the loss, the Cardinals locked down the #1 overall draft pick. It’s the first time they’ve had the first pick in the Common Era and the first since they drafted the immortal King Hill #1 in 1958, when they were still in Chicago.² They’ve drafted second overall in the common era once (Leonard Davis - 2001³) and third four times (Garrison Hearst - 1993, Simeon Rice - 1996, Andre Wadsworth - 1998, Larry Fitzgerald, 2004)
And here we come to the regular season finale: And the smrt guys at the NFL offices flexed an elimination game to the prime time capper: Both the Titans and Colts are in "Win and In" mode, and will know what their Wild Card scenario is. Derrick Henry's late season heroics couldn't have come at a better time, with Marcus Mariota's injury issues. They'll need him more than ever if they're to get past the Colts. Else, they'll have to depend on *shudder* Blaine Gabbert. Henry came through (16-93), but it didn’t help. The Colts controlled this game from start to finish, and only some big individual plays from Titans defenders kept things that close. Gabbert was ineffective with a capital I - (165/1/2). No guarantee Mariota would’ve made much more of a difference, but it’s safe to say he wouldn’t have been worse.
Andrew Luck & The Pips may be the second strongest team coming in to the AFC playoffs, outside of the Chargers. The win got them the #6 seed and cements Frank Reich as Coach of the Year and Luck as Comeback POTY. The Colts are now the third team since the merger to reach the playoffs after a 1-5 start (joining the 2015 Chiefs and 1970 Bengals)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im4DzIqqJKE
Dolphins 17, Bills 42
This will probably be the last ride for quite a few players on both sides. Ryan Tannehill, Shady McCoy, whoever the hell is backing up Josh Allen this week. Veteran DT Kyle Williams has explicitly said this will be his last game. All will probably be looking for new homes next year. Wouldn't stun me if Adam Gase is among that crowd. His Dolphins teams have been...
"Meh" would be giving them too much credit. (note: He gone!)
But as much as this year has been deeply disappointing for the Fish, I'd have to say Bills Nation should be pleasantly surprised. Plenty of folks, myself included, though this squad was a candidate for "0-16: The Threequel" Granted, Nathan Peterman would've guaranteed them that.¹
And that being said: The Bills sent Williams out with a big win. Josh Allen literally saved his best for last (17/26 for 224, 3TDs, 1 INT, 2 rushing TDs on 95 rushing). They even let Williams catch a 9-yard pass.
The Dolphins basically played like a team just trying to ride out the clock and go home. If this truly is Tannehill's swan song as a Dolphin: Yeesh. (147 yds, 2 INTs).
- Though I firmly believe The Peterman would've left football completely if they kept hanging him out to dry like that.
Lions 31, Packers 0
Another year, another season as also rans. For both teams. Though in the case of Green Bay, I'm sure they're going to blame it all on former HC Mike McCarthy. This is pure "play for pride", as Green Bay can't even pull even on the season. The most the Cheeseheads can hope for is another suspiciously improved performance out of Discount Double Cross.
I for one, would not be surprised, nor sorry if Matt Patricia is a one-and-done HC. He's the NFL's answer to Chicago Bulls HC Jim Boylen: Thinks the swagger of his former boss also applies to him. Thinks because he comes from a championship staff, "You Should Listen To Me." Has to be be reminded "Yeah, but you're not Gregg Popovich/Bill Belichick." In Patricia's case: He's Jim Boylen, if Jim Boylen were also Fratbro Santa..
He’s also a winner, as the Lions lit up the Frozen Tundra. Rogers sat out the second half with a “concussion”, leaving Deshone Kizer to take the rest of the beating. This was a game where the Packers clearly tapped out at the opening kickoff. The Lions dominated in every offensive category, in a way you don’t really see outside of non-conference college ball.
One would hope that the Lions’ front office wouldn’t be swayed by Patricia winning such a blatant tank job. But we’ve seen dumber.
Jaguars 3, Texans 20
If the Texans have ambitions to be more than a one-and-done, a good start would be taking down the Jags and taking them down hard. They are an inferior team¹ and should be treated as such. Gonna be a weird experience for the Texans either way: Depending on how the day shakes out, they can be anywhere from the 1-seed to the 6.
I would say the Jags would put their all into playing spoiler, but with Cody Kessler under center... that might be too big an ask. I just hope Blake Bortles gets some sort of curtain call. He may have been a first-round bust QB, but he was their first-round bust QB!
And LO, did Bortles play the entire game! And proceeded to remind everyone why he spent the last month backing up Kessler (15/28 for 107, 1 INT). Meanwhile, the Texans were racking up milestones. JJ Watt recorded his 16th sack of the year, giving him four seasons with 15+ sacks (trailing only Reggie White with five). Deandre Hopkins became the fourth player with at least 100 catches, 1500 receiving yards and 11 TDs in multiple seasons.²
Leonard Fournette - who is looking more and more like a flash in the pan - sat out the game with an ankle injury. And it looks like the Jags are preparing to get rid of Fournette, voiding all his contract guarantees (about $7.5 million zapped))
But don’t worry, Jags Nation! Shad KHAAAAAAN!!! Has already said that Doug Marrone, GM Dave Caldwell and figurehead curmudgeon Tom Coughlin are all returning for 2019! Yay!
- Despite how some NFL media types try and pump up the Jags’ talent level.
- Jerry Rice, Marvin Harrison and Brandon Marshall are the other three.
Jets 3, Patriots 38
Because they couldn't jam all of the games with playoff implications into the afternoon slot, here we have the Patriots, who would need the Chiefs and Chargers to both lose to climb out of the #2 slot. The Jets would likely love to give Todd Bowles a going away present by knocking the Evil Empire into the #3 (possibly #4) seed. Maybe even hit Dreamboat with a heavy dose of YOU'RE OLD and send him into the playoffs with an injury.
Aaaand no.
The Pats claimed the ninth first round bye of the Brady/Belichick era, beating the brakes off the J-E-T-S-SAME-OLD-CRAP..
And that was pretty much the capper for Todd Bowles’ time as Jets HC.
The search for relevance continues for Gang Green.
Panthers 33, Saints 14
What looked like a late-season showdown between Cam Newton and Drew Brees for the NFC South crown has morphed into The Kegger and the Panthers trying to avoid going into the offseason on an eight-game losing streak. Opposing them is Teddy Bridgewater, auditioning for QB needy teams and wondering why teams are ignoring him AGAIN as a potential FA starter.
And it turns out, no: It wasn’t Taylor Heinicke under center. He got placed on IR with a hyperextended elbow. Instead we got undrafted rookie Kyle Allen, who acquitted himself well (16/27, 228 yds, 2 TDs). Granted, it was against a Saints team clearly clock watching and resting every starter they could get away with. But I think the Panthers will take it, all things considered.
Bridgewater, for his part, was a pedestrian 14/22 for 118, a score and a pick. How much prospective teams could get out of that, who can say?
Ron Rivera’s job shouldn’t be in that much trouble. But with a new owner, who knows?
Cowboys 36, Giants 35
This game had all the earmarks of a trainwreck. A Dallas team locked into the #4 slot, looking to get to Wild Card Weekend as healthy as possible.¹ A Giants team that is still ludicrously dedicated to the shambling zombie that is Eli Manning. Yeah yeah yeah, he hasn't looked as horrible as he has in recent memory... In recent memory. But the Giants are seriously considering using Younger Manning's run of not sucking as a rationale to bring him back for 2019. One would think the Giants would take this chance to see what rookie Kyle Lauletta can do.² But then, one would have thought they would've put some thought towards a post-Eli world some time in the last five years.
It's thinking like that that has resulted in the entire Eli Manning era being a choice between "Super Bowl Champ" and "Ass."
Aaaaand someone really needs to remind Jason Garrett that you play for pride when you have nothing else to play for - including playoffs. Or at least: Start everybody or rest everybody. Unless you want to tell me that Zeke Elliot is THAT much more valuable than everybody else on the team, from Dak on down. Really, both teams put a ridiculous amount of effort into winning a game that did neither of them any good.³ I shouldn’t complain about a game where Dak throws for 387 and 4. But I am. Because this game was a stat padder for Clappy The Clown. For when he goes down in flames next week, he can point to a 10-win season as part of the reason he should be spared the axe again.
Fuck that guy for making it so I can’t even enjoy road wins over rivals. The defense giving up 35 pts and 441 total yards to the Giants doesn’t help put my mind at ease.
And despite not playing, Zeke captured the rushing title with 1,434 yards. He’s the third Cowboy to win the title, along with DeMarco Murray (2014) and Emmitt Smith (1991-1993. 1995) and the second to do it more than once. (He also won as a rookie in 2016)
If this truly is Eli’s Big Apple finale, he goes out with 301 yards and 2 TDs. He’ll make someone a fine scapegoat in 2019.
- Read: "Resting as many starters as they can get away with"
- As they really should've done the moment they were eliminated from playoff contention.
- As far as the Giants are concerned, a win would actually hurt, knocking them out of the top 10 of the draft.
Falcons 34, Buccaneers 32
So this is (probably) the swan song for Dirk Koetter. And (also probably) Steve Sarkisian. (NOTE: And defensive coordinator Marquand Manuel and special teams coordinator Keith Armstrong) And goodbye to a lost season for the Falcons and another season of frustrating uncertainty over Jamarcus Winston¹. This is a matchup that just screams "Let's just get this over with."
A matchup that turned out surprisingly competitive, with Atlanta pulling out the stops to avoid double-digit losses. Matt Ryan finished with 378 and 2 scores, along with a 5-yard TD catch from Mohamed Sanu. Rapey McCrablegs finished with 345 and 4 in the loss.
The Bucs will have some tough choices coming up. Well, a tough choice: Whether or not they should pick up Winston’s fifth-year option and give him one more season to prove himself, or cut their losses and look elsewhere. The choice as to whether or not to keep Dirk Koetter should be easy.²
Bit o’ Trivia: Mike Evans’ 1422 receiving yards is the new franchise record, passing the legendary Mark Carrier.
Update: The Bucs have already decided Winston is their man for 2019. To be fair, the pickings are slim for potential replacements and they absolutely will not be the first choice of either of Nick Foles or Teddy Bridgewater. Winston will try to do in 2019 what no Tampa Bay QB has ever done before: be resigned by the team. No Tampa drafted QB has ever gotten a second contract from the team. Not Doug Williams, not Steve Young, not Vinny Testaverde, not Trent Dilfer. No one. And that says far more about the franchise than the men they gave up on.
- AKA, the poor, rapey man's vince young.
- And it was, as Koetter didn’t even make it to Black Monday.
Browns 24, Ravens 26
The Afternoon slate starts off a major domino: Younger Harbaugh and the Ravens trying to hold off Coach Bountygate and the suddenly scrappy Browns, hoping beyond hope the Football Gods smile upon them and they end up with the #2 seed. The Browns, justified in feeling themselves, are looking to both play spoiler and grab their first winning record in a decade, closing out one of the biggest one-season turnarounds in NFL history.¹
And indeed the Browns took the Nevermores down to the wire, before C.J. Mosley picked off Bakery Mayfield on a 4 down pass to seal the victory. Mayfield did all he could to score the upset, throwing for 376 and three scores. He also threw three picks, including the game sealer. Black Tebow threw for 179 yards and ran for 90 and 2 scores in the win.
The Ravens win the AFC North and will host, and eventually get whooped by, the Chargers. The Browns have to settle for a seven-win season and wonder what might have been had they not tried the inexplicable early season formula of Hue Jackson, Iago Haley and Tyrod Taylor.²
- In case you were wondering, the 1999 Colts and 2008 Dolphins share the biggest one-season swing at 10 games.
- When Tyrod Taylor is a distant distant third on the “What is wrong” list, you know things are bad at the top.
Raiders 3, Chiefs 35
The Chiefs have a simple equation: Win and they're the #1 seed and the road to Atlanta goes through Arrowhead. Lose and they enter a nightmare web of "If x loses, then..." Which actually culminates in a rather simple "Lose + Chargers Win = Have fun next week in Nashville/Indianapolis!"
The Chiefs proceeded to make all that academic by smashing the hapless Raiders. Patrick Mahomes (281/2/1) finishes the season with 5,097 yards and 50 TDs. This makes him the third QB with 50 TDs in a season, joining Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. He also joins Manning as the only QBs with 50 TDs and 5000 yards in the same season. Can you say “MVP?” I knew you could!
Travis Kelce finished the season with 1327 yards, the most for a TE in a single season. A record that stood for about an hour. (More on that later)
Oakland, having (likely) already bid goodbye to the Bay Area, set their sights on playing spoiler¹. They failed. Chucky's nearly run out of coaches and front office staff to scapegoat, so we're gonna have A LOT of Raiders playing for their jobs.
- Read: Hurt as many Chiefs as they can. It's what Al would've wanted
Bengals 13, Steelers 16
The Steelers habit of playing down to their competition bit them in the ass hard in 2018. Then spun them around and socked them in the jaw. They're reduced to depending on the Browns to eliminate Baltimore for them. And even then, this squad isn't guaranteed to take care of business and knock off the Bungles.
But let's be fair here: A team that can only pull off a three-point win over a team with 196 yards total offense is not a team that should really have playoff aspirations. Coach Omar Epps is likely safe, barring the Rooneys having a sudden massive change of heart. But there are likely several coordinators cleaning out their offices as we speak.
And stop me if you've heard this one before, but this might be the year Marvin Lewis finally says "fuck it" and steps away from the No-Win Scenario that is being the Bengals HC under Mike Brown. (Note: “A mutual parting of ways”) It also wouldn't surprise me if this is Andy Dalton's last season with the team.
Eagles 24, Fucksnyders 0
The Iggles face a simple scenario: Win and have the Bears beat the Vikings: They're the #6 seed. Anything else happens: see you at Mini-Camps. Either way: Nick "Jeff Fisher nearly chased me out of football" Foles looks to lock down his status as Free Agent QB #1.
Does this make Foles this generation's Earl Morrall?
Anyway, the Eagles held up their end of the bargain, putting an emphatic boot in the faces of the Racial Slurs. Makes me wonder what the Eagles will do if Foles leads them on another improbable championship run?
The Fucksnyders, limping to the finish line with QB #12/Kaepernick Exhibit #4. The horrendous amount of injuries Washington has suffered probably insulates Jay Gruden's hot seat. It probably shouldn't. The man has been the epitome of "Eh. I suppose" as a head coach. Never thought he was all that hot as a OC either, but that could just be me. Of course, this is all tempered with a hearty dose of "Fuck Dan Snyder."
Bears 24 , Vikings 10
The Bears win and the Rams lose, they (Chicago) gets the #2 seed and the first round bye. Anything else happens, they get the #3 and face the #6 seed (likely the Eagles, if they [bears] win) And would come in being the wildest of wild cards in the NFC. They have the defense to beat any and everybody. But they'll need Mitchell Trubisky to step up and make plays for them to win - especially given their MIA rushing attack.
The Vikings' path was simple: They win or the Eagles lose, they're in. They win AND the Seahawks lose, they get the #5 seed and an instant rematch with Chicago. They got neither. Bet they wish they had some of those early season stumbles back, right about now
Chargers 23, Broncos 9
The Chargers also came in with a simple scenario: They win and the Chiefs lose: They are the AFC West champs and the #2 seed. Otherwise, they're the #5. And they enter the playoffs as the strongest looking team in the AFC. It would stun no one if they made the Big Game At The End as a wild card.
The Broncos close out a promising season pretty much smack where they were last year: With an unsettled QB situation and Vance Joseph on the verge of getting fired. (NOTE: No verge - totally fired) Elway's magic as a GM seems to have left with Gary Kubiak.
49ers 32, Rams 48
With a win or a Bears loss/tie, the Rams are the NFC #2 seed. Otherwise, they host a wildcard game as the 3. What was the odds-on NFC favorite a month ago is coming in on shaky ground. Jared Goff has suddenly and inexplicably regressed and wherever his mojo went, it took the Rams' offensive potency with it. And they simply do not have the defense to take up the slack.
The Niners have stayed remarkably competitive during this godforsaken, snake-bitten season. An upset would not be completely shocking to anyone (who doesn't play/root for the Rams).
In the end: This game was the Rams’ season in a nutshell: Overwhelming offensive firepower paired with a worryingly shaky defense and a game that felt closer than it should’ve been. And the Niners end up with the #3 draft pick.
Cardinals 24, Seahawks 27
Most people thought the Cards would suck this season. I don't think anyone thought they'd be -this dire. Of course, when it takes you half a season to remember you have an all-pro running back and HEY, maybe you should try and give him the ball more, that tends to hamper your success some. It also tends to hamper your employment prospects. (NOTE: Steve Wilks got future endeavored.)
The Seahawks were similarly written off, but for different reasons: Mostly that the Legion of Boom scattered to the four winds and Pete Carroll looked to replace most of them with a bunch of agent callbacks ("Hey, can you at least give my guy a tryout?"). Along, of course, with the Seahawks dire O-Line/RB situation. it may take three guys to replace Beast Mode, but it looks like Seattle has finally found the right three, and that's taken them to the playoffs. Granted, Pete's odd reluctance to turn Russell Wilson loose to do Russell Wilson things may limit them in the playoffs¹, but getting there is still more than most expected in September.
With the loss, the Cardinals locked down the #1 overall draft pick. It’s the first time they’ve had the first pick in the Common Era and the first since they drafted the immortal King Hill #1 in 1958, when they were still in Chicago.² They’ve drafted second overall in the common era once (Leonard Davis - 2001³) and third four times (Garrison Hearst - 1993, Simeon Rice - 1996, Andre Wadsworth - 1998, Larry Fitzgerald, 2004)
- Unless that was the plan: To keep Wilson fresh and doing just enough to win games and he takes the leash off next week.
- To be fair, they also had the second pick, where they took John David Crow.
- Who did turn out to be a stud tackle. For Dallas.
Colts 33, Titans 17
And here we come to the regular season finale: And the smrt guys at the NFL offices flexed an elimination game to the prime time capper: Both the Titans and Colts are in "Win and In" mode, and will know what their Wild Card scenario is. Derrick Henry's late season heroics couldn't have come at a better time, with Marcus Mariota's injury issues. They'll need him more than ever if they're to get past the Colts. Else, they'll have to depend on *shudder* Blaine Gabbert. Henry came through (16-93), but it didn’t help. The Colts controlled this game from start to finish, and only some big individual plays from Titans defenders kept things that close. Gabbert was ineffective with a capital I - (165/1/2). No guarantee Mariota would’ve made much more of a difference, but it’s safe to say he wouldn’t have been worse.
Andrew Luck & The Pips may be the second strongest team coming in to the AFC playoffs, outside of the Chargers. The win got them the #6 seed and cements Frank Reich as Coach of the Year and Luck as Comeback POTY. The Colts are now the third team since the merger to reach the playoffs after a 1-5 start (joining the 2015 Chiefs and 1970 Bengals)
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